Parenting differences within marriage

[Flossie44]

Dh and I parent so differently.
We had 3 dc. Ones left home and two teens. He was insanely strict with the first dc. Was all about control.
Dc2, he’s favours beyond belief!! It’s so obvious that others outside the family mention it too!! It’s horrid for the other 2 and I’ve pointed this out a lot.
Recently dc2 has been so incredibly rude to me. Pretty vile in fact. I run around after her constantly and in return she talks to me like dirt, screams at me to shut up etc. She also talks to dc3 appallingly, often unprovoked.

I’m trying to hard to ‘parent’ her. Show her boundaries, and consequences. Every single time, dh undermines me!!
One example, she needed a lift at 8pm home. Originally it had been 5pm. I’d changed a load of arrangements with dc3 and her play date around in order to be able to collect dc2 at 5pm.
When she said it’s now changed to 8pm, I reminded her of all the things that needed to be changed for her, and said I’d go at 6:30pm.
Dh pipes up ‘don’t worry darling, I’ll come for you at 8pm!’

I was trying to get dc2 to think outside the box. To remember it’s not just her in this world. I’m trying to juggle. There had been so much back story to the arrangements and then dh undermines me.
She says I ‘gang up on her’. To which he tells her he agrees!!
It’s relentless!! I literally do ALL the parenting!! I’m done with it!!

Stop juggling and pandering.Let him run around after her and her whims and let's see how long it lasts. He has a choice, it's either your way or he's responsible for everything for her .

One example, she needed a lift at 8pm home. Originally it had been 5pm. I’d changed a load of arrangements with dc3 and her play date around in order to be able to collect dc2 at 5pm.
When she said it’s now changed to 8pm, I reminded her of all the things that needed to be changed for her, and said I’d go at 6:30pm.
Dh pipes up ‘don’t worry darling, I’ll come for you at 8pm!’

In my house I would have said 'oh I'm not sure if I can make 8pm, I'm doing X/Y/Z' and either asked DH or if I wasn't with him at the time suggested DD ask him. He was able to do it so why was he not an option? There is nothing wrong with changing an arrangement at all. It's not displaying lack of boundaries or preferential treatment.

I felt that he undermined me. I was trying to show boundaries. I’d already threatened to ground her. So I felt picking her up a bit earlier than she’d wanted (and later than already arranged) was a compromise.

It’s an hour round trip, and I’d be combining it by dropping dc3’s friend home at 5. She was expecting me to do 2 trips equalling 2 hours driving. It’s the expectation and then her demands without showing any care. She tells me to shut up most of the time. Yet think she can dictate my every move around her.

I felt that he undermined me. I was trying to show boundaries. I’d already threatened to ground her

I feel like there is a huge part missing from your post tbh. Why would you threaten to ground her for asking to be collected at a different time? In our house this is a yes/no/maybe/I will see what I can do kind of situation.

What’s wrong with her dad collecting her? Why do you have to do it all?

Dh frequently collects our 15 year old.

She’s been really awfully
Behaved recently. Really vile to her sister and I. I’d threatened to ground her for this attitude over the last few days. Separate to the issue around timings to collect her.
I literally run around everywhere after her. Often she calls to be collected and I drop everything and race off to her. I put her first so so so often.
Her rudeness recently meant that I’d threatened to ground her but I hadn’t. Then she got all sassy about times so I compromised.

Her dad works 60 hours a week plus is doing a Masters currently. He has an assignment that has to be in at midnight tonight. So he would jeopardise that to collect her. Yet wouldn’t ever let her be upset, so would do it.
I hate the manipulative behaviour

He just doesn’t seem to have my back at all

But he doesn’t seem to have anyone’s back?! Why is a family man doing a job for 60 hours per week and an MA?

That’s the source of your problems. Maybe your Dd is kicking off because her dad gives her no attention,?

It sounds really frustrating but also that you need to take a step back and stop running round after her so much. If your DH wants to do it then he can.

Not saying you shouldn't do anything for her but if your 2 younger kids are both teens then I am guessing she is 14/15, if not older? In which case she could be making her own way around a lot more.

No excuse for her rudeness though and I'd definitely be picking that up with DH if he is defending it.

It’s not your daughters fault you are also dropping off her younger sister’s friend. You chose to live rurally not her.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow and Bibidy - thank you for your support 💐

@Flossie44 I totally get what you mean and I think others are missing the point. Of course Dh can pick her up if he wants to, but he ought to be supportive of you and the efforts you’re making to improve her attitude. She does sound like she’s going through a particularly challenging period, and his acquiescing to her constantly won’t help.
In this situation I’d speak to him first to get a consensus, but I agree it’s exhausting.

and and leave them to it I reckon.

I imagine this is a very small issue, but it is appearing big because it's in a long line of other issues.

You'd probably normally be ok with your DH going to get your DD later, however, your increasing resentment towards your DH and how he parents is making 'normal' situations and reactions frustrate you.

You need a proper chat with your DH,

Ifeelmuchlessfat - thank you. You said it/explained it so much better than I have!! Yes pp have maybe missed what I was trying to say. It’s about the lack of someone by my side supporting my parenting. If he has an issue with the way I parent, then he should discuss it away from dc. Not undermine me in front of them. Surely this is just reinforcing the way she behaves towards me?!

Givemebackmylilo - you’re right, I have no prob running around after my children. We always knew it would be a downside of living rurally. But there are a lot of positives living here too. So I haven’t got an issue us doing anything for our children. All I ask for is respect and kindness. And if that’s not present, I feel there should be consequences

‘I literally run around everywhere after her’
Well more fool you then. Your shit husband can fulfill his promises to his golden child, opt out. What about this horrible man appealed to you?

@Flossie44

Ifeelmuchlessfat - thank you. You said it/explained it so much better than I have!! Yes pp have maybe missed what I was trying to say. It’s about the lack of someone by my side supporting my parenting. If he has an issue with the way I parent, then he should discuss it away from dc. Not undermine me in front of them. Surely this is just reinforcing the way she behaves towards me?!

Givemebackmylilo - you’re right, I have no prob running around after my children. We always knew it would be a downside of living rurally. But there are a lot of positives living here too. So I haven’t got an issue us doing anything for our children. All I ask for is respect and kindness. And if that’s not present, I feel there should be consequences

She does it because she can. Because daddy will swoop in or badger you to save her butt. I presume he interferes when you ground/discipline her too?

You need to have a firm ,serious and honest chat with him. Not just about how you feel and that he should support you as your husband and partner , but also that with this type of parenting she'll just end up being a rude, spoilt,unpleasant person. She's already halfway there. Is that what he wants for her and her future?

ObviousNameChage - thank you so much. I’ve tried saying this to him. But he just doesn’t get it.
He was very spoilt as a child, and still acts spoilt now. I’ve tried telling him that I refuse to bring up my children spoilt. They need boundaries and consequences. And need to be kind and respectful. It’s hard when he doesn’t do the same.