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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How would you respond to this - advice gratefully received.

26 replies

123fushia · 01/08/2021 17:09

DD 19 - she has lots of good friends and has just finished her first year at uni. Spending time between home and her part time job, and her new uni house during the summer. She has met a like minded boy at uni who she seems very fond of. All fine so far but she talks about staying at his, and eating together in bed after work etc. It un nerves me that she keeps on talking like this - is that mad?! Is it good that she is so open? I would NEVER have even mentioned it to my parents at that age. Am also worried about the chance of her becoming pregnant but haven’t voiced that to her yet. She is pretty responsible and has common sense but can’t help worrying. She has no siblings. I have had a word with myself about trying to think differently about this but would really appreciated some Mumsnet wisdom please.

OP posts:

Billybagpuss · 01/08/2021 17:13

She’s 19 you have to step back, smile and say that’s nice dear.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/08/2021 17:14

I think that sounds fine, eating in bed, it’s not like she’s going into detail about their sex life.

However I would have a chat about contraception!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/08/2021 17:15

I know she’s 19 but a pregnancy would impact on you and your DH as well as her at this stage so def mention it.

Intherightplace · 01/08/2021 17:19

I'd definitely have the pregnancy conversation but be pleased she's talking to you as long as you don't have to hear the gory details

I'd like to meet him, but you probably have to step back and wait for them to be ready for that and know there's nothing you can do even if you hate him

MrsEko · 01/08/2021 17:19

It's nice that she feels so comfortable in your relationship that she can talk to you about her new relationship.

My own mother made it quite clear to me that if I got pregnant, she woke looking after any babies. She had her own full life. And I've done the same over the years. Made it known that I am not financially or practically supporting a baby.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/08/2021 17:32

@MrsEko but would you actually be like that if a baby arrived!! I say the same to my DDs but deep down I know I couldn’t behave like that if it did happen.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/08/2021 17:35

She is 19 and an adult. I would assume she has contraception sorted. Be glad she is being open with you and not having to feel like she is doing something wrong.

Bagelsandbrie · 01/08/2021 17:40

I would assume she has a fair understanding of the birds and bees and contraception at 19 surely! I would just laugh and say that’s way too much information for me if I felt uncomfortable about what she was sharing and stick my fingers in my ears and go la la la… but then I find humour always works well with my 18 year old dd. Otherwise I wouldn’t say anything.

Freshapples · 01/08/2021 17:43

I have a 19yo too and yes this is par for the course. Think yourself lucky that they're not eating dinner in bed together in your house!

AnyFucker · 01/08/2021 17:45

You never had the “birds and bees” chat and talked about contraception when she was younger ?

Wearywithteens · 01/08/2021 17:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

2Hot2Handle · 01/08/2021 17:52

My DSS was online not long after he moved in with his Dad and I and told me he was ordering free condoms from a website and did I think he should get a normal sized pack, or a larger pack. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but actually felt quite flattered that he felt comfortable in sharing that with me. I wish my convos with my parents had been more open and I didn’t feel sex was something to be embarrassed about.
Embrace it! Means you can talk about safe sex, consent and important stuff, if it’s open between you. Keep the convos brief and casual, laugh along the way and change the subject, if it gets uncomfortable!

Rogue1001 · 01/08/2021 17:53

Sorry, but I agree with AnyFucker. How cane you NOT have talked about sex/contraception/respect/choice/relationships etc etc etc etc before she went to uni????

And if you have done, it's nice that she's surreptitiously telling you

Mischance · 01/08/2021 17:57

I am sure that you have talked to her in the past about contraception - if not, school will have done.

She is a young adult, behaving like a young adult. What is there about what she has said that is troubling you?

I had 3 DDs and saw them through their teenage years. I cannot imagine having been remotely concerned about this.

DinosaurDiana · 01/08/2021 17:59

It’s good that she is so open, so don’t stop it, but I would drop in a contraception reminder in a light hearted way.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/08/2021 18:01

I’m sure the OP would have chatted about all this years ago but there’s no harm in revisiting that.

Puffalicious · 01/08/2021 18:03

What on Earth is the issue? She's 19, an adult, sharing with her mum. We're not back in the dark days here

Planty13 · 01/08/2021 18:03

Surely at 19 the pregnancy conversation is not needed? She is an adult now and I assume you already talked with her about this years ago.

She is obviously happy as is sharing that with you. I’m not sure why you are posting.

hardyloveit · 01/08/2021 18:06

Not sure why you feel that way op? I will love it if both dd talk to me openly like that. She's not going into sex detail etc

girlmom21 · 01/08/2021 18:13

She's 19. The 'birds and bees' chat isn't needed. Chill out and let her enjoy her new relationship and be glad she's comfortable telling you about it.

MrsEko · 01/08/2021 18:35

[quote BigSandyBalls2015]@MrsEko but would you actually be like that if a baby arrived!! I say the same to my DDs but deep down I know I couldn’t behave like that if it did happen.[/quote]

I think so. I've got my own stuff going on. I've got a career and friends and we travel a lot. I'm not ready to give that up to help raise a baby. I very much feel like I've just got my freedom back from bringing up my own dc and this is my time where I am able to do things that I want to do.

I'm not saying that I'd shove dd out into the gutter or refuse to babysit in the ordinary way but she would need to get a job and I would not be the one looking after the baby whilst she did that.

toocold54 · 01/08/2021 19:07

She could be sleeping around but she sounds like she is in a good relationship and has a good head on her shoulders.

It’s lovely that she is so open with you. I would have never talked to my mum about my boyfriend (I ended up having a child by her age). Although what she has said doesn’t sound too intimate.

Original poster

123fushia · 01/08/2021 22:11

Thank you all for your messages. You’ve helped me to put things in perspective. I’ll have a lighthearted reminder chat about keeping safe next time it comes up, and then leave it to her to make the right choices. Thank you so much again for your wise insight! Just been told she’s bringing him home this week. He sounds really nice so it will be good to meet him. X

OP posts:

stayathomer · 01/08/2021 22:13

Best of luck OP, your daughter sounds lovely

brittleheadgirl · 01/08/2021 22:21

Your daughter sounds lovely and also she's clearly enjoying life which is great.

Thank your lucky stars you don't have my dd. She tells me everything and loves nothing more than a 'debrief' with me after any date or 'encounter' With much detail!!
She's 20

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