DS19 says I make him feel like crap

[addictedtomafs]

My DS has come back from uni and I feel I’m constantly having a go at him, he obviously feels the same hence his comment.

Some of the things I find annoying /unacceptable: he spits in public, eats like a pig, (huge mouthfuls) swears when talking and listens to music (blasting it) with sex references and swear words. He refuses to wear earphones and doesn’t feel he should be different when he’s at home. He says this is him and I should accept it. SD doesn’t say anything and I find DS behaviour annoying.

You know addicted I really get it. You have to live with him and it's a constant irritation isn't it seeing such bad habits. I'm similar with my son who I feel I am constantly correcting him with similar things like not washing enough, awful eating habits and being lazy. I have no solution but I am hoping as time passes his habits will improve. I try to move away when I am getting annoyed and avoid too much confrontation which can escalate. I'm like you I guess. I didn't bring him up like this and feel it is still my job to correct him. Take some time out for yourself.

He refuses to wear earphones and doesn’t feel he should be different when he’s at home. He says this is him and I should accept it.

And I'm sure you do accept that this is him but that you don't have to live with it. It's obviously time he looked for somewhere to live that's not your home. I think we've evolved to find our children irritating once they've reached a certain age. Ultimately, your house, your rules and if he doesn't like it then he needs to find a place where he can behave exactly as he chooses.

My dd is back from uni 2nd year and she's also insisting on carrying out her party lifestyle (doing f all, listening to loud music, laying in bed texting her boyfriend all day long.) it really irritated me when she first came back. She's got a job now so is out of the house in the day and seems to have calmed down a bit and things are improving. I will not have swearing and I still insist on table manners I'm a mum after all not her best mate.

I assumed from your title that you were a pushy parent being overly critical of a child that is doing their best in life but not succeeding to your expectations.

Not that your son has returned from uni & is blessing you with disgusting behaviour!
Spitting in public is rank & inflicting loud music on your household is very inconsiderate.

I'd be complaining if I were you...

@addictedtomafs

My DS has come back from uni and I feel I’m constantly having a go at him, he obviously feels the same hence his comment.

Some of the things I find annoying /unacceptable: he spits in public, eats like a pig, (huge mouthfuls) swears when talking and listens to music (blasting it) with sex references and swear words. He refuses to wear earphones and doesn’t feel he should be different when he’s at home. He says this is him and I should accept it. SD doesn’t say anything and I find DS behaviour annoying.

NO. Not acceptable to spit in public or anywhere. My son did this and I told him not when he was with me.

Tell him to behave himself the spoiled brat

Which year of uni is it, we found the 1st year quite hard but it did settle, then 2nd year slightly better.

He may be an adult but he is still living under your roof, so things like the way he eats, let that go, the swearing he will have to learn when it’s appropriate and when it’s not ‘does he speak like that around his lecturers etc? The music, he needs to keep to his room at a volume that doesn’t interfere with the rest of the household.

A calm conversation about readjusting to being back home is needed. Is he preparing his own food etc. It’s hard slipping back into ‘child’ mode again and everyone needs to transition away from parent child into respectful cohabitants

And I’m sure the only reason you’re making him feel like crap is fundamentally he knows that everything you’re complaining about he is being unreasonable.

Re spitting in public. I'm sure this is an offence following tb which was prevalent in some areas eons ago. Now with cv it will not be tolerated by some people if he does it in a public place and you should tell him to stop immediately. He could be spreading disease and it is abhorrent!

Was he always like this or is it his new uni persona? Either way it's unacceptable.

We had a blow up a few years ago when Ds split up from his gf and came back to live with us at the age of 22.
One night after he had a bit to drink everything blew up. Apparently he didn't feel welcome in ' his own home' (the same home he left at 17 and only stopped in a few nights since then) I made him feel like crap too.
It was time for home truths and I dont regret it.
I told him that actually he was not welcome if he carried on behaving the way he was doing. No one in the house is his servant. We should not be tipping toeing around him if in case he gets upsets. ( the list went on a bit more) He was told he sort his act out tonight. I said I wanted him back home and would be very happy for him to be there but I didn't want a spot brat a thing like a child when he is in fact a man. I reminded him that I had no legal obligation to look after him but was more than happy to support but I wanted respect for doing that. If that was too much like hard work find somewhere that will put up with your nonsense.
A few more words were said, he got defensive.
However when I was still in bed next morning he came into see me. Lots of tears and apologies from him. Things immediately took a turn for the better.

Op things are worse in your home than mine were.
If he is
If he is spitting in public he is acting like a disgusting pig and I would tell him you didn't bring him up like that. Same with the swearing. Both ds prempt any swearing by apologies if they are recounting a tale where there was swearing in the dialogue.
I would remind him he is an adult not some feral street child and if he cant act like one in his own home then find go and find some lodgings that will put up with that nonsense.

He can live like he wants - just not in your house.

I'm scared. My DS is going to uni in October. Is this what I have to look forward to?

I'm scared. My DS is going to uni in October. Is this what I have to look forward to?shock
Not necessarily but I would be challenging them if they over step boundaries straight away rather than putting up with it until it gets too much and exploding!

@HmmmmmmInteresting

I'm scared. My DS is going to uni in October. Is this what I have to look forward to?

No not necessarily and OP does sound pretty extreme. With Dd she was trying to push boundaries, lots of passive aggressive little things when we were awake at our usual time and didn’t walk around in the dark and keep super quiet until gone midday because she’d been up until the early hours. It was more niggly things and it took prob about 4 weeks to settle down then just as she was being nice again it was time for her to go back.

Yep. DD is end of year 2. I agree that they settle back just before they return to uni. It’s hard for her and us. Hard to parent and hard to be independent while living with your parents. It’s my least favourite parenting era.

Yeah its really weird when they come back home, you spend all that time missing them and then they drive you to distraction when they come back home.

Honestly the best answer for him is to get a job, DS has become much more considerate of for example the hours he keeps, noise and mess. Loads of employers are looking for casual staff at the moment even full time hours. Get him in touch with an agency, they'll sort him out by the end of the week.

DD has work . Just a shame it’s wfh.