I apologise in advance if this is long.
I'm a single mum now, lost daughter @. 40 wks stillborn. 2 miscarriages then son born. He's been my world. At 1-2 years I had mother's instinct that something wasn't quite right. Always had that feeling. Over the years I have been sent on parenting courses, he's seen Camhs and Midlands psychology both for like 10 mins each and they say he is fine. School say he is troublesome but fine. Bullied from year 4 upwards. No relationship with dad.
At age 3-4 I had cancer and major surgery. 2 years later a stroke. And had other surgeries. I also have anxiety and depression which is up and down. No other family except my parents which died 3 years ago and last year. I have a great best friend who lives 30 mins away.
So now at nearly 15 years he is getting worse. He is controlling, manipulative, bullies me. He thinks my rules are idiotic and so doesn't stick to them. He's been off school a lot due to what he terms anxiety. He gets angry and has anger issues. He can trash the house, he shouts a lot, bangs doors, stamps floors, throws things like hoovers and ironing boards, calls me names, Won't let me walk away to ignore, he follows and will stop me going into a room by standing in doorway. Always been a challenging child. Very hard work. Many who see him say he is autistic. But teachers and specialists say not. He lacks remorse and empathy. I went to Gp who referred to Camhs or sent it back saying he's not bad enough. He is on waiting list for counselling with action for children. We are also on waiting list for him worn relate for individual counselling for him followed by relate but waiting lists for both are at least another 8 weeks. Friday I had to call police for his behaviour. At that point he packed bag and said he was leaving and not coming back. Rang police and reported him missing. It's second time he has run away. He gets angry when he disagrees with something I say or I say something he dislikes. So I spend the evening distraught and worried on my own. His friend eventually found him and he eventually agreed to stay at theirs as he didn't wanna come home. I am living daily nearly on lorazepam to deal with the stress. I am struggling to cope. Early years are involved but just tell me to be tougher. I can't . He won't engage with them. Referred to inetensive prevention, they refused. I don't know how to get through the next 6 weeks with him. He seems to dislike me and thinks I don't care but I do, he is my world. He says he can't help how he behaves. I disagree but he won't listen and won't help himself and is adamant that until he gets counselling he won't change. He is intelligent t it doesn't apply self at school.
Any ad ice please? I feel so broken and helpless