At my wits end with 14 YO

[Currysauceandchips]

Bit of a tearaway. He was meant to be staying at a friends tonight after final day at school. Him and his friend still not back at the house at 10.30pm, so we rang him and marched him home from the park at 11pm!!
He is in his room fuming and I am in mine doing the same!!
He cannot be trusted to ever do what he is asked i.e. back at friends house by 10pm. What is he playing at? He is ruining our marriage!! DH is his dad!!

He isnt ruining your marriage. He is being a teenager.

I bet he is fuming, that's his street cred gone. If he was sleeping at a friend's, how did you know he was out?
If him staying in a park till half 10 is ruining your marriage, I'd say your marriage has other problems tbh.

You mean a teenager wants to have fun with his friends?
Oh no!
This must be a disaster entirely unique to you and your situation and it obviously means he's going to become a comicbook supervillain and blow up the galaxy.

Or he's just being a teenager. Get over it.

I'm guessing this is not the first time he has done something like this ?

My daughter is 11 and she has been self isolating as one of the kids in her year 6 tested Positive, so she has been doing online lessons for the last week( even though she has tested negative) 🙄sorry I had to add that 🙁.
Her behaviour has been shocking and she thinks it’s ok to still be up at midnight/ 1 am watching Netflix because there’s no school.
She has been a little horror.

A bit harsh of the other pps OP. I hear you. You want to trust them and for them to be where they are supposed to be. Staying out later and sleeping over is a privilege not a right and they have to earn trust. I would have been cross too. I certainly wouldn't want my 14yr old in a park at 10 and definitely not at 11.

I also get why you said that about your marriage. I have a strong marriage but going through a tough time with a teen tests a marriage as they play one off against the other.

Thank you for your understanding Hegartyhell

BillyRaywasapreachersson My marriage is strong thanks but our DS is causing some friction! We don't have 'other problems'!

Oh that was a bit cruel of you OP

Bloody hell op I wouldn’t be happy about that either! Not sure why everyone is acting like you are a weirdo! It’s so hard. Just keep telling him the more he acts trustworthy the more freedom he will have. It sinks in eventually. I’ve had trouble like this with my teen just keep calm, don’t scream at them and keep re-enforcing your boundaries. My daughter has improved after a challenging couple of years.

Boundary testing is one of those necessary but excruciating life stages. Saying he’s ‘ruining’ your marriage is giving him an awful lot of power. He needs to feel you’re bigger and more powerful than him and that you WILL put the brakes on when necessary. Unbelievably enough, he both wants and needs you to care enough to be pissed off and to take action. If he feels he’s actually the powerful one, he’ll play up to that but be scared at the same time. Hold firm. Is the tension with your DH around how to manage his behaviour (your son’s, that is!)

Agree with the above poster. Never let them know how much they affect you as it does give them power. I read a book called ‘10 days to a less defiant child’ that really helped me too.

What on earth was he doing in a park at night?

It's normal for fourteen year olds to push boundaries and they lose track of time.

@Currysauceandchips firstly what time did the other boys parents say they had to be back? At this age parents have different rules. You can't really expect your son to go to his mates house at 10pm if his mate is allowed out until 11. If my 15yr old stays at his friends I ask what time they have to be in. If I don't agree with it he doesn't stay. I also ask my 15yr old to let me know when their in so I know he's safe.