DS 15 doesn't have a single friend

[drumandthebass]

My 15 year old, Year 10 son doesn't have a single friend. He has not seen anyone outside of school for about 2 years now. When he started secondary school he had plenty of friends. He had about four friends from primary who went to the same secondary and he made plenty of new friends.

Two of the boys from primary he remained friendly with for about two years and they walk to school together, along with about 6 other boys, but other than this he has no contact with them.

One of these boys (lets call him Jack) he has known since about 2 years old and they were best friends. In fact it was Jack who was always more dependent on my DS and when they started secondary he wanted to call for my son in the mornings, (even though it's out his way), because he didn't want to go on his own. He continues to call for my son, but I think this is out of habit and when I leave for work in the morning I see him standing on the corner of our street and he doesn't knock for DS until the very last minute and then they walk off with the other boys.

I know the other boys meet up together outside of school as I have bumped into them all hanging about in the village we live in, including Jack, who actually lives a few miles away. I also know from Jacks mum they went to one of the boys houses to watch some of the Euros matches.

It breaks my heart that DS isn't liked enough to be included in anything. It particularly upsets me that his oldest friend no longer likes him enough to want to include him.

I don't know what has happened or why he isn't liked and I have gently and subtly asked DS why he doesn't see anyone out of school and he just shrugs. He is impossible to talk to and he just doesn't open up about anything. He says he is happy and he does actually seem happy, but I sometimes wonder whether he is just very good at hiding unhappiness.

We try to encourage him to make contact with these boys to see if they want to do something but he never does, but that could possibly be because he knows he's never included in anything.

Also at the beginning of lockdown 2020 we bought him a games console so that he could play with friends. He told "Jack" and asked for his username, which he did give him, however, it has always said that he is offline. I know this to be untrue as his dad was moaning to my DH that he's always gaming. I have been told that he probably has another user name which DS doesn't know of.

I'm sorry for waffling and apologies if i'm not making things particularly clear, but I'm just trying to give as much Information as possible.

DS is a very closed book and doesn't share his feelings at all. He is a very funny, loving and thoughtful boy but impossible to talk to and doesn't express his feelings at all. Its not unusual for him to text me when he's at home to ask me something or to tell me something because he's embarrassed to ask (even though its not necessarily embarrassing!)

I just wished he could open up and I suppose I'm looking for advise on whether I should keep trying to talk to him or just let it lie?

He doesn't doesn't have any interests and other than us dragging him out with us he just sits in his room gaming on his own.

Its breaking my heart and I don't know what to do

Sorry its so long

Oh god I feel for you. It is so difficult managing friendships and not easy when they’re teens and you can’t arrange play dates. I don’t know what to suggest other than trying to get him to practice talking with you more often. The more comfortable he feels talking and the more he does it in loads of different scenarios the more his confidence will grow. Does he have any hobbies? Does he talk in school?

It's really hard seeing your child struggle with friendships. My DD has SEN and her friendships tend to be very changeable and complicated.

How close is your DS to being age 16? Perhaps getting a part time job would help him meet other people. Normally people suggest joining clubs but it gets harder as they get older, unless there's any particular sport he enjoys enough to take further and join a team.

I’m so sorry my heart breaks reading this as I can see this in one of mine.

All I can suggest, which admittedly is utterly pointless at the moment. Is trying to broaden horizons with outside stuff, volunteer, part time job (I know these aren’t common anymore), I would have said scouts but I think he’s too old for that.
He’ll find his people.

I'm sorry op. i do understand your worry. Would it be worth asking his form tutor whether he has anyone he gets on with at school and whether he seems happy at school?

Thanks all for replying. He will be 16 in April. We have also suggested getting a little job, (DH knows a few people who could help him). He just says no to everything.

I have spoken to school a couple of times and they have said he is a happy boy at school and hangs around with others.

I know I am probably worrying excessively but it's so hard to see and deep down he must be feeling some sadness

I would ask jacks parents as you seem to know them if they can ask their son what happened. Be clear you're not asking them to intervene and they need to be subtle about it, but explain your concerned and don't know what's happened so finding it hard to help him. Sadly 15 is a tough age for friends but he will meet his people after school I guess.

Find him a hobby so he can meet similar minded people maybe

I'm so sorry. I can identify with some of this as my 12 yr old often finds himself on the edge of friendships, or will make arrangements to play online and be let down. It seems particularly hard for your DS as he is older and this has been going on for a while now.

The only way to help him, I think, is to not talk too much about the current situation (it doesn't sound as if much can be done to help sadly) but instead encourage him to find something outside of school where he can have the opportunity to meet others. My DS is into Warhammer, for example, and his club have just started to meet for games again. They chat and game online too. He really enjoys building and painting the models which takes him away from screens for a bit which also helps. That's just an example, but maybe there would be something similar you could think of, to help build a social circle outside of school.

If I think of anything else I'll pop back and post as situations like this are heartbreaking and I really feel for you and your DS.

He doesn't doesn't have any interests and other than us dragging him out with us

I know you are trying to help but his mum dragging him out when he’s 15 doesn’t seem like any fun. It’s certainly not a way for him to develop interests of his own.

If he seems happy then leave him to it. I don’t think being forced to ‘play’ with other boys by his mum is going to do anyone any good, especially at his age.

Apologies for random shocked emoij!

Has he definitely never been invited to stuff? Any chance he was at first, but just didn’t want to go?

I wonder if he really wants friends.
My DS is very quiet and hardly opens to us adults but he seems well liked by his friends, even though he doesn't see them outside of school. He seems to have an active social life online, though.

Some people really aren't very sociable.

My brother was very much like this growing up and through secondary school. Then he went to uni in a different city and really found his people. The friendship group live all over the country now but are still great friends 10 years on, game together, meet up regularly etc. Having that group of friends has given him the confidence to make friends in the city he has now settled in, as well.

Keep supporting your DS, I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before he grows into himself.

Hi OP, my DS is also 15 and in year 10. He does sometimes meet up with a friend outside school and he games with friends, but not very often. The thing is that, like you say, he seems happy with things as they are. He sounds similar to your DS - funny, loving, thoughtful and not chatty / open is a perfect description of him!

He plays football and cricket for clubs outside school, but he's not friends with his team mates outside of training and matches.

As I say, he doesn't seem unhappy so I don't interfere. I'm very sociable but of course we're all different - I sometimes think I'm projecting my own feelings on to him. Maybe you're doing the same? My DH is an introvert so he's more understanding of DS. I can't help fretting about him a bit.

I'm hoping my DS will come out of his shell a bit in sixth form / uni.

He's not unpopular if "Jack" calls for him every morning and he walks to school with a large group.

The fake profile from jack
may just have been because your son was new at gaming and Jack didn't want to end up playing with someone who was rubbish, and now it's never been changed.

I do sympathise as my ds has just left school and fallen out with his best mate, so I have been doing the boosting his morale talks, but I'm confident he'll find another group when he goes to college.

If you're son is happy it sounds like he's in a group of mates who aren't necessarily his type of people, but because they've been mates for so long so he's just happy to tick along as he is.

Is it because these other boys are doing stuff they shouldn't be doing ?
That could be a possibility,.or is it that he's just not that bothered ? Friendships change a lot at this age, maybe he has outgrown them ?
He could naturally just prefer his own company, l am sure in the future he will be out and about all more. I wouldn't over worry.

I really feel for you, I’ve worried about my DS gaming and not doing anything else but he is lucky enough to have a good group of friends- it must be heart breaking to see your DS alone all the time.

Can you organise something at your house every few months and invite a couple of his school friends to that? We occasionally do pizza night/bbq and sleepover and let them all camp in the living room.

My DS has also recently joined a gym which has given him something else to focus on and definitely made him more confident- some of them are pay as you go so he could maybe ask one of the other boys if they wanted to go as well?

For some reason I’ve noticed my DS opens up more about his feelings when we’re out walking the dog- I think it’s because it’s less intense and he’s quite shy so prefers to have heavy conversations that way. Can you try the same with your DS? Or borrow someone else’s dog?

Good luck OP, I’m sure your DS will find his people soon and things will feel better x

Dd was the same at this age.

Things which worked for her….playing minecraft on a server. She met girls her own age on there and they all played well together. They had headsets, etc so could actually chat to each other and ended up meeting at quite a few gaming conventions.

She moved school for sixth form and made a good group of friends there.

Difference is Dd said she was lonely and unhappy. Are you sure your ds is unhappy? He might not be. Especially if school are saying he hangs out with people. I had friends at school but didn’t really see them much out of school, I was happy in my own company.

I hope this doesn’t come across as mean but you’ve written

He is impossible to talk to twice in your post.

I’m sure he’s a lovely boy but if he’s not very talkative the other boys may feel that they don’t get much out of his company. They can be very shallow at that age.

I wouldn’t go digging to find out anything. Just make sure he has a safe place at home and knows he can talk to you if he ever wanted to. I’m sure he’ll find “his people” eventually.

Your OP sounds as though I've written it, your DS sounds exactly the same as mine. We try to encourage him to text a friend and meet up but he just doesn't want to, and hasn't seen any friends outside of school for at least a couple of years. We genuinely don't know whether he's happy on his own and doesn't want to see friends outside of school or whether he doesn't have any close friends who want to hang out with him. He's a closed book. It's so difficult isn't it. Sorry that's not much help at all, but you're not alone.

I'm really aware it must seem to my friend that her dd is left out. Her dd is not disliked. But she's so low in confidence I think that when someone says, who wants to do this, she never says "me". Or she'll say, no, she doesn't like that game or that place. I'm always on at dd to make sure you invite her, as I know she's been depressed. But a lot of the time, she just doesn't seem able to join in. So I think I'd probably try and get him to work on social skills a bit. A part time job might really help. My nephew was like this and is a lot happier since he started working. He has a part time retail job.

Maybe he just doesn't enjoy hanging around doing what the other lads are doing outside of school? If they call for him on the way to school and he hangs around with them at breaks , then maybe that is just all the social interaction he needs?

Sorry clumsily put but he may not be disliked. Just lacks the confidence to join in.

Op my ds told me when playing xbox you can select to show as offline when you are playing - it might be because you want to focus on a game, for privacy. Or avoid invites if in a mission, so it might be worth your son still sending an invite to join when on xbox even when showing offline

Plus my dc are in same boat, I absolutely sympathise!

Thank you everyone for replying and offering advice.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken - I have wondered if he is hard work before so you didn't offend.

He was until this last year, quite immature compared to other boys and I also wondered whether he was a bit annoying and childish. He certainly was at home sometimes

He does lack confidence and I think he is desperate to to fit in.

I know that if someone came knocking on the door to go out he would jump at the chance - He actually admitted that last summer.

I guess I need to leave him to it, it just breaks my heart to think that he might be looking at other kids with their mates and desperately wishing it was him. I think it would also be easier for me to accept if he was more open about how he feels.

Thanks everyone for your kindness