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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

dd friendship group drama!

19 replies

alexvalentine · 15/07/2021 20:39

my dd14 is in a group of 4, and there's one girl in the group who keeps on making insensitive comments and just being very padantict, annoying and just slightly rude if you ask me, dd says that deep down she is a nice person, she just has a very loud personality, which means she has lots of enemies. My dd has lots of other friends outside of the group, none of which like this girl, dd wants to become closer with these friends but finds she can't due to this other friend in her group. Dd's best friend in her group of 4 completely agrees, and finds this friend very patronising, but neither of them know what to do, as they in no way want to hurt this girl's feelings, but they would like to make new friends and maybe drift slightly. My dd just says there's no way she can do that because she never wants to make anyone upset or angry with her. Any advice??

OP posts:
Marmite27 · 15/07/2021 20:40

Pedantic

Marmite27 · 15/07/2021 20:41

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

It’s one of those things your daughter is going to have to work out for herself. Is the benefit of not being friends with this girl worth the guilt of excluding her?

TeenMinusTests · 16/07/2021 06:17

Split her time between the girl and the other group?

backtonormalonedaysoon · 16/07/2021 06:32

Are you asking how they can dump a friend because she's unpopular with the wider social circle? Leaving her with one or no friends? Without feeling guilty?
Sorry to be blunt but your daughter sounds kinder than you

cansu · 16/07/2021 06:36

You are basically asking how this girl can be excluded or dumped from the group. No there isn't a way of doing this nicely. Imagine now if it was your dd being squeezed out because she was a bit annoying.

romdowa · 16/07/2021 06:37

If your daughter doesn't want to hang out with this girl , then she should just stop doing so. Be less available and eventually it will fizzle out. I don't agree with making kids and teens be friends with everyone. I'm an adult and I certainly do not have to talk or interact with anyone If I don't want to and I feel kids should have the same autonomy. Your daughters feelings come before other people's here.

pilates · 16/07/2021 09:42

Don’t get involved. Your daughter has to learn how to deal with her own friendship issues. It sounds like the friendship has run its course.

TeenMinusTests · 16/07/2021 09:54

@pilates

Don’t get involved. Your daughter has to learn how to deal with her own friendship issues. It sounds like the friendship has run its course.
pilates I guess it depends on what you mean by 'involved'.

Personally I think discussing with teenage DC the different options and possible outcomes of those options, and then letting them make their own decision is surely just what a parent should be doing.

Original poster
alexvalentine · 16/07/2021 21:56

@cansu

You are basically asking how this girl can be excluded or dumped from the group. No there isn't a way of doing this nicely. Imagine now if it was your dd being squeezed out because she was a bit annoying.
i didn't just say she was a bit annoying, dd says she is rude and has made comments about her and her dying grandad that were very insensitive, i'm not going to get involved, but she's asked me what i think she should do, so i came here because i have no idea what i would do in her situation
OP posts:
Original poster
alexvalentine · 16/07/2021 21:58

@backtonormalonedaysoon

Are you asking how they can dump a friend because she's unpopular with the wider social circle? Leaving her with one or no friends? Without feeling guilty? Sorry to be blunt but your daughter sounds kinder than you
that's not what i'm saying, she said she just wants to make more friends and get away from people who make rude remarks (like this girl) but she says her friends get annoyed with her when she tries to make other friends so she doesn't know what to do
OP posts:
PeterIsACockwomble · 16/07/2021 21:58

Advice is to remind your DD not to say or do anything deliberately unkind, and for her to remember how it feels to be excluded by people whom you think are your friends.

After that, let her get on with it. Is she your first/only child?

Billybagpuss · 16/07/2021 22:02

If she’s 14 I’m guessing year 9?

This will sort itself out with you not having to intervene at all. Firstly they are just nearing the end of a very difficult year and are due to have 6 weeks off. They need it and the change of pace will give her chance to meet up with other people etc.
Secondly they are going into year 10. The timetables change completely as does the focus towards GCSEs. They won’t be in each other’s pockets as much unless they’ve weirdly all chosen the same subjects and will again naturally drift in and out.

GoWalkabout · 16/07/2021 22:03

She is basically being bullied into not having other friends, so you need to say its ok to want to see this girl less. Yes the girl might be nasty about it but it does not sound as though she has a lot of social power.

Original poster
alexvalentine · 16/07/2021 22:05

@PeterIsACockwomble

Advice is to remind your DD not to say or do anything deliberately unkind, and for her to remember how it feels to be excluded by people whom you think are your friends.

After that, let her get on with it. Is she your first/only child?

Yeah she's my first and only child, i'm not going to get involved or anything, i just want to give her some advice or reassurance because she says she feels really unhappy and out of place with her friend group atm, and she asked me what she thinks she should do x
OP posts:
FrogWaa · 16/07/2021 22:27

It's probably not a bad lesson for the girl to learn that if you're rude to people you won't keep friends.

Op I'd advise your daughter to be very straightforward and when the girl tried to stop her making friends that she won't be doing that. Either the girl gets over it or she doesn't. It's not your daughter's problem. She doesn't need to dump the girl just be available, when she's available, if she wants to be.

FrogWaa · 16/07/2021 22:29

As in, straightforward with the girl, and tell her that she'll make friends if she wants to.

PeterIsACockwomble · 16/07/2021 22:39

OP, Year 9 is about as bad as it gets, friendship-drama wise.

I asked if your DD is your only first/child because people with multiples see so much of this stuff that they only really tune in when it's something massive. I learnt with my first girl that it's better not to get involved, at all, in friendship issues, other than in the most general of terms or if there is systematic bullying (which could, unfortunately, include your own child being a bully).

These things do mostly sort themselves out. Good generic advice is to be kind (whilst not being a doormat) and sensitive to the feelings of others. It's also worth reminding her that she can be friends with whoever she likes, and that it is her choice, not anyone else's.

shellstarbarley · 22/07/2021 20:28

It is so hard you have my sympathies OP. My DD has had issues with a friend since yr 7 and she is now 15, they are on and off like lightswitch this friend treats my DD so badly but is very manipulative and always manages to wheedle her way back in. My DD is actually so much happier when the other girl is off the scene. When my DD meets new friends and gets in new friendship circles this other girl always follows and ends up pushing my DD out by turning the other girls against her. The latest group is a foursome my DD and her so called friend an old friend from yr 7 and a newcomer - all the other 3 are from my DD's set and new friends she had made, her so called friend started coming between them and turning them against my DD a couple of weeks ago just in time to take control and become the queen bee of the group just in time for the summer holidays,
So called friend arranged for the 3 of them to meet in town today and excluded my DD. So called friend has just made a snapchat story which apparently is only visible to my DD to piss her off and it has worked she is distraught. Fact: teenage girls can be so horrible. Dumping is hard with certain characters they will always wheedle their way back in and make trouble!!

Original poster
alexvalentine · 22/07/2021 23:24

@shellstarbarley

It is so hard you have my sympathies OP. My DD has had issues with a friend since yr 7 and she is now 15, they are on and off like lightswitch this friend treats my DD so badly but is very manipulative and always manages to wheedle her way back in. My DD is actually so much happier when the other girl is off the scene. When my DD meets new friends and gets in new friendship circles this other girl always follows and ends up pushing my DD out by turning the other girls against her. The latest group is a foursome my DD and her so called friend an old friend from yr 7 and a newcomer - all the other 3 are from my DD's set and new friends she had made, her so called friend started coming between them and turning them against my DD a couple of weeks ago just in time to take control and become the queen bee of the group just in time for the summer holidays, So called friend arranged for the 3 of them to meet in town today and excluded my DD. So called friend has just made a snapchat story which apparently is only visible to my DD to piss her off and it has worked she is distraught. Fact: teenage girls can be so horrible. Dumping is hard with certain characters they will always wheedle their way back in and make trouble!!
I feel you OP, this age seems particularly hard for friends groups with girls, hopefully everything will sort itself out eventually, good luck to you and your dd
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