Hi,
Another post from me- we’re kind of in crisis mode here and I’m struggling to think clearly.
We have DD16.5. Recently diagnosed with depression, on meds (not sure if they’re working tbh because of some other stuff that was happening the same time as she started them 3 months ago). She has a lot of friends, drives and has her own car (we’re not in the UK and this is common here at her age) holds down a summer job and plays a sport. Since she got her license she’s been driving herself everywhere rather than having to get rides from DH and me. Recently had to ban a toxic friendship she had because it was dragging her down severely and she seems to be adhering to that being stopped. Secretly I’m hoping she is relieved a little about it. She is also in therapy but up until 2 weeks ago hadn’t talked in any depth about anything with her therapist who said she was holding back. Also- she is now dressing completely in boys clothes (possible gender confusion that she refuses to speak about to anyone:(
So that’s the (complicated) background - it’s been a highly stressful month:(
She has a few different friend groups going, always has had, but most friends are her own age and only a few can actually drive themselves because she is one of the older ones in her grade. Since we had a huge crisis with her 3 weeks ago she has still been working and doing her sport. She has made good friends with her work colleagues - most are her age or the grade above but last night she went out after work (6pm) to grab food with them locally. That was fine. Got to around 8.30pm and I check the app we have to track her (a condition of the freedom she has plus she’s driving now) and she’s now on the local Main Street- I text and she informs me they’re getting ice cream afterwards. Okay with that although point out of she changes location she should check in at least. Now it’s past 10 (her curfew in summer is 11) and I see her phone pinging up and down the high street. She’s with colleagues who are at least 18 or 19 (in college as far as I know so maybe even 20) and they’re just hanging around together.
My question - we’re trying to rebuild trust with her after we had to read her messages to find out about the toxic friendship. We are encouraging her to see her core friend group which are all her age and we’ve known them for years. We are honestly extremely worried and sad about stuff we found out but are trying to give her space to figure stuff out. Neither DH and I are comfortable with her jumping into newer friendships with 19 year olds, however ‘nice’ they are. Would any of you let you 16 year old DD hang with at least 2 19 year old female friends if you didn’t know them?
Last night I ended up asking her to come home. She did so with no argument but when she got home proceeded to burst into tears and tell me she can’t stand being home, that I’m giving her anxiety every time I text her when she’s out because she is being honest and transparent about where and who she’s with, she hates being home with us in the house (what happened two weeks ago was very traumatic for all of us) and she hasn’t had one happy day this summer so far.
Up until 3 weeks ago I thought I knew her very well and we had what I thought was a fairly open and honest relationship. I’m devastated that this seems to have broken down and she cannot bear to be home. DH isn’t sorry he checked her messages (we knew something was very wrong with the toxic friendship) but he also is worried sick. In the last 6 months she has changed so much we don’t recognize her:(
How do you all navigate different types of friendships your teens have once they start having more physical freedom? When they’re driving themselves (bear in mind she is still only 16) how much checking in do you do? We don’t want to smother her but at the same time she is going through a lot right now and teens need friends.
All advice welcome. Thanks for reading this far!