I have not posted for years, but now feel the need for the great Mumsnet advice that I know is here.
My son turned 16 in June. His behaviour started changing around Christmas time. I thought he was just unusually grumpy, typical teenager, fed up with pandemic, and suffering the winter blues. He has been very tired in the mornings and claimed to be feeling unwell. Magically he has been better at midday, after some more sleep. I was worried about his health and him isolating himself more and more.
To go back a little. He has always been very active, social, had many friends, been very engaged, and always had a project to work on.
He is fascinated with electronics, keen on tools, interesting in welding, wiring things, metal works, you name it.
Then just before his 16th birthday he told me that the reason he has been isolating himself from the family is that he has been getting drunk in his room alone after everybody has gone to sleep. He has been hungover almost every morning. He has also been smoking weed, he said nearly daily for two months. I spoke with him at length, and we both thought he was suffering from depression, because he said nothing gave him joy. There was no purpose to anything. Being drunk or high at least made him feel something. He agreed to come to the GP and get a referral for his depression. We are on the waiting list, and he has been seen once for an assessment.
He has not had any alcohol or weed now since the end of May, he says.
I dont know what to think because this behaviour was going on under our noses, and we suspected nothing. The only thing is that he is more like his usual self now, out with friends, seeing his girlfriend, busy on projects. His behaviour is much better, not like it was between Christmas and May. His eyes are alert, and he is talking to us again.
The problem is of course still there, as he needs to be seen for his depression.
However, there are aspects of his personality that I think is not helping:
- He is impatient. He cannot see beyond the joy today. He wants something right away, and cant wait.
- He gets bored easily, which is why he is working on project after project. He needs to be entertained and have something to do all the time. He cannot relax.
- He has an "addiction personality". He will eat the same dish day in and day out for months until he is fed up. He loves online shopping, and will spend time looking for interesting things to buy, then wait eagerly, and lose interest quickly, then look for something new to order. He started smoking, drinking and smoking weed. He has stopped the latter, but finds it hard to also stop smoking. I have bouht nicotine gum.
- Eating. He is not interested in food, and it is difficult to find food he likes. He used to love food, and would eat anything, broccoli, fruit platters, fish, anything!
-Self destruct - all his choises make it look like he is no self destruct.
-Illegal things are more fun. He ordered a kit to convert a bike to a motorbike. It is not road legal. He does not yet have a 125cc bike licence. He spent time installing the engine onto the bike, and now it drives perfectly. He wants to ride it, he insists, although he knows he will get a driving ban if caught. He says he does not care. He is weeks from getting his license and his friends are waiting for him to be able to join them riding. He says he does not care, even if he is only weeks away from his license, as riding his bike is fun. And he does not care about the consequences. Besides he says, it is his problem not ours, so why should we care? It is impossible to talk to him.
I honestly dont know what to do. Tomorrow is his theory test. I worry he will be in such a frame of mind that he wont go.
He says "If you want let me ride this bike with an illegally fitted engine then I will become a drug addict again, and there is nothing you can do."
What can we do? Any thoughts? He is not really very rational, and not really very reasonable...