Need some really good advice for 16 year old suicidal son

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Our son is depressed, under camhs and takes antidepressants. He treats us like something on the bottom of his shoe, inhales aerosols, smokes weed, has stolen a lot of money from his younger brother. He regularly threatens to kills himself and today blamed me and his dad if he does.

He always says he didn't asked to be born, rarely washes, only gets out of bed to eat or go and meet his 1 friend. He doesnt adhere to curfews.

I have tried camhs crisis but they won't help as he refuses to talk to anyone at all. Early help suggested mentor but same issue, he won't talk. His answer is always 'ill just kill myself'. No one seems to be able to offer any real help and I'm sick of reading all the suggested web links on mental health, drug use etc etc.

Can anyone help? Please

I can’t offer any help but couldn’t not respond.

Is there anyone you can speak to, to help you deal with this?

It sounds very hard and I’m sorry.

I've tried shout, camhs crisis, the police, webchats. None have helped us. I'm really losing hope.

I'm assuming that deep down he just wants to feel normal and happy.

Talk to him about the effects of the aerosol abuse and weed is having on his mental health. How he needs a healthy lifestyle to feel mentally stronger. More exercise, more sleep, more nature. Would a dog help? Giving him a purpose.

I've just watched the Chris Packham documentary where he walks the river Itchen to Winchedyer and he really opens up about his autism, the loneliness, depression and suicidal thoughts. He said nature and his dogs saved his life.

If it were me, I would take him on holiday to somewhere remote, in Wales or Scotland.
Try to encourage walks, family communication. He must be feeling so desperate and not sure what to do. How long has he been like this?

Thank you. Hes had depression for about 4 years but things have got steadily worse over the last year. We got a dog which we hoped would help but he refuses to take him out. We've booked an active holiday for August but are really worried he'll refuse to come at the last minute.

He also has an asd diagnosis though he now says he has he doesn't have it. He of course struggles most with social communication.

It’s so hard. I don’t know what more you can do that you haven’t already mentioned other than to keep on telling him you love him and give him a hug every day if he’ll let you.

I have been in a similar situation with my son but without an asd diagnosis- he did eventually get better and happier though after a couple of difficult years. I hope your son manages to find his way out of depression too and that things get easier for both of you x

My heart goes out to you. I have nothing helpful to add just wanted to reply to you.

I think what I meant to say is that however hard you want to fix things for him, it’s beyond your control. All you can do is love him even on his worst days and make sure he knows he is loved. In time hopefully he will choose to seek help and learn to be kinder to himself (and you).

I think the idea to take him on a break somewhere really remote is a great idea. Ensure he's no aerosols or weed on him and "detox" him - not just from the substances but from life generally - like a reset.

Could he have a personality disorder and not depression? It requires a different therapy.

Sorry you are going through this, it's utterly exhausting and soul destroying.
If you haven't already, I suggest joining a private FB group called Parenting Mental Health. It's been a lifeline for me, a really great source of advice and support.

I second the message above from @Krook. Join the group x

Thank you. Your comments are helpful. Ill keep you posted and I'll join that FB group.

There’s an article in today’s Guardian :

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jul/09/our-adopted-daughter-has-rejected-us-how-can-we-help-her?utm_term=ba3ba52c085cfbd70d63f549c8b00b98&utm_campaign=GuardianTodayUK&utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&CMP=GTUK_email

Different situations but the way you write struck a chord. The parents here feel such impotence and I get that you do from your words. The advice, to give the support your child can accept, is good I think.
And to try and accept that it’s ok to do your best.

I just remembered a book that helped me- look up Lost Connections by Johann Hari- it’s a very well researched book about the modern causes of depression- it is helpful to read if only so that you’re not blaming yourself and understand the wider context of what your son might be feeling.

I expect if he struggles socially or with communication that may be causing a lot of his unhappiness but it’s really something only he can tackle- hopefully he will find his place in the world as he gets older and that will help him to manage his depression.