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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 year old girl dating 17 year old boy HELP!

15 replies

Em1987 · 09/07/2021 00:51

Hello fellow Mums!

So, I am going to just get right to it and not sugar coat anything.
My daughter who is 14 and a male "friend" who is 17 have been getting very close for the past 6 months. I noticed it and kept my eye on it, along with explaining that this was not going to be going any further due to the age difference. I explained why and very bluntly did so. But of course they continued to become closer (i wasn't a fool to think my word would be law) a mother can only hope!
I have spoken with his mum who is very worried about the age gap and she wanted to keep them completely apart. I agreed but I also told her that it wouldn't really be possibly as they have the same group of friends and live very close by, plus they would only lie about it.
So now myself and his mother are both pretty worried and unsure what to do.

My first thought is to get my daughter on some form of contraceptive, but i am really fighting with that in my own head as I don't want her to see it as a free pass. On the other hand, I do not want any teenage pregnancies. I have spoken very openly with her on the sex stuff and she has very honestly admitted she was thinking about it. I have done the whole wait until you find someone you love and wait until you are older, we have had a very serious talk about it. She is a very mature 14 year old with the body of a full grown woman. He is a very mature 17 year old and honestly a lovely lad. But still, there is that age gap which really really frightens me.

So lay it on me, mums! Help me figure this one out because I just don't know what to do and feel like I am stuck in a mix of different options and feelings.

OP posts:

HerMammy · 09/07/2021 00:55

I think it needs made clear to him that at 14 she is clearly underage.
In my DD16s circle no boy of 17 would date a 14yr old, why isn’t he dating girls his own age?
That’s an S6/S3, absolute no no (don’t know english equivalent of school years)

babbi · 09/07/2021 01:00

Agree with PP , both of them need to be told in no uncertain terms that sexual activity at her age is illegal and he runs the risk of being prosecuted .

That said , I understand you not wanting to issue an apparent “ free pass “ but if make sure condoms were available.
Damage limitation …

I feel for you .. parenting is tough at this age

babbi · 09/07/2021 01:01

** I’d make sure

Original poster

Em1987 · 09/07/2021 01:12

Thank you for responding so quickly. It's a nightmare situation and they both know that I am not one bit happy about it. I have explained to both of them very clearly and bluntly that she is underage and he would be the one to take the fall (i think). It's difficult as the more I push against it, the more she will hide from me and that's when all kinds of other problems can come into play. We have a very open and honest relationship and she can tell me absolutely anything, sometimes things i really do not need to know lol But i am happy she trusts me enough. I'm just fighting with myself about it and it's keeping me awake not knowing if i am doing the right thing or the wrong thing.

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 09/07/2021 01:25

I think you need to be realistic here.

You can't keep them separate without driving her away from you. Make sure there are condoms freely available while also pointing out that she is under age and her bf could face charges if anything progresses.

If she is a mature 14, the age gap is not that much. she's growing up and you need to be calm, offer advice and support, make sure she understands her decisions and isn't being coerced.

redtshirt50 · 09/07/2021 01:51

You could maybe try and find similar stories online (if you can) about that age gap and the boy getting in trouble?

I know of a boy who was 19 and started a relationship with an underage girl and when the mother found out she reported him and he is now on the sex offenders list for 3 years. The situation was a little different because they were doing it in secret and the age gap was bigger, but stories like that could help educate them as to the risk.

Although honestly, the age gap isn't that big and would be totally normal in an adult relationship. As long as she feels comfortable and he is respectful then maybe going more down the route of safe sex and make sure you're ready etc is a better route.

bitheby · 09/07/2021 02:03

My parents got together at that age, mum got pregnant at 15 and had a termination. My grandparents were very against the relationship but that just made her all the more determined to marry him once she was 18. She abandoned her education really to get married.

I know this isn't helping but it's a cautionary tale. They did stay together if that's any consolation...

RainbowMum11 · 09/07/2021 02:04

Safety and consent are the things to push, my DD is a lot younger but I was that girl.
Be understanding, talk about how she can be safe - physically and mentally.
She is very young,, but above anything else being able to talk to you is a huge thing.

SupermanInk · 09/07/2021 02:07

He’s not a lovely lad or mature.
My son is 17, he and his friends wouldn’t even think about dating a 14 year old. They'd think it was very weird, wrong and embarrassing. I would be very concerned and would do everything I could to stop them seeing each other. If it’s meant to be, they can wait a while. I gave no doubt this lad will move on very fast leaving your daughter feeling heartbroken. Sorry you’re having to deal with it.

wordsareveryunnecessary · 09/07/2021 15:23

I would contact the school safeguarding lead for help.

SheriffCatman · 09/07/2021 17:22

They're close in age so if you were comfortable with him, I'd say don't stop them from seeing each other. That forbidden fruit will become too sweet for the both of them. Have a really open and honest discussion with her about consent, maturity, contraception etc.
I know it's not a nice thing to think, but if they want it to happen they'll find a way. It's better to be prepared for the worst

Christmasfairy2020 · 09/07/2021 18:36

Wait til he turns 18 and is going out drinking it will phase out. She needs to go for an appointment with sexual health though

Weebleweeble · 09/07/2021 18:59

Why is there such an age difference in the group of friends. Friends are usually of one age group due to school friendships.

Original poster

Em1987 · 09/07/2021 19:20

Thank you everyone for responding, it has been a great help. The group of friends all vary from 14-17 it seems. When I was younger it was the same for me and my friends, we all hung around together at our different ages, I honestly don't see that as a problem but that may be because it never was for myself. I do plan on having the implant put in for her as tablets can be missed/forgotten/lost and even pretended to be taken.
I know i can not possibly stop it which is why I have decided to go down this route. His mother is also in agreement and we have spoken a number of times about it over the past week. Do i wish he was younger or her older? Yep. Do i wish they would wait until she is of legal age? Absolutely. Sadly my wishes are not going to be granted and I am not stupid to think otherwise. So as much as I don't like it, I have to do what is needed to keep them both safe.
Thanks again everyone I really do appreciate the help you have given :)

OP posts:

ufucoffee · 09/07/2021 19:30

When I was that age we all had older boyfriends, it was the norm at school. I didn't have sex until I was 16 though and didn't feel pressurised to. However, some of my friends did when they were 15. I wouldn't stop them seeing each other but I'd make sure he knows what you think. I also wouldn't be providing contraception. She's old enough to sort it out for herself if she needs to, but you providing it is telling her the expectation is that she will have sex with him.

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