Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

When they start to leave..

21 replies

FlowersR · 07/07/2021 21:26

Hello :-) I just wondered how mums cope when teens start getting independent .. it feels like bereavement, you have lost their childhood selves for ever. New feelings of being spurned are hard to deal with! Like a rug pulled from under you .. Thank you.

OP posts:

AtAmber · 07/07/2021 21:32

Ds2 started at uni 4 years ago just after his 18th birthday. I cried every day for about 3 months. He did his year abroad in y2 and I missed him so much. He's finished uni now and has been home for 2 weeks. I'm already sick of him and wish he would move out! I think you just get used to them not being at home and then it feels strange when they are back.

mb05 · 09/07/2021 16:48

None of DC's have left home yet (too young, eldest is 16) but I am dreading it! It's going to be hard to adjust, I think it will devastate me!!

Original poster

FlowersR · 09/07/2021 20:40

Thank you x .. I guess it also depends what their characters are (and may be gender?) .. ie if they keep in touch often, tell you what they are doing, whats happening, or demonstrate they love and appreciate you etc .. although thats probably just sheer fantasy of the perfect child lol.. but an only son of a single mum.. he doesn't show emotion (except the usual negative) to me and doesn't keep in touch much when away.. he is away for a couple of months work experience.. then one year left at college (living at home) then wants to find work on the coast teaching sailing. .. Then I really will be on my own and all the parenting years will just be a half remembered dream!! Its adjusting to a momentous life change.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 09/07/2021 20:46

When DS1 went off to University it hurt my heart. Especially when a few weeks in he was hating it and wanted to come home and pack it all in.
We persuaded him to persevere a bit longer and he got his degree. But those first few weeks were awful, I just wanted to scoop him up empty his halls room and bring him home.
He's still in his University town but I hate driving past those halls!

LemonRoses · 09/07/2021 20:53

They don’t disappear. The relationship and their needs change gradually over a decade or so. They don’t need you less, they need you differently.

inmyslippers · 09/07/2021 20:54

I have nothing to offer...I cried in Morrisons
Looking at all the back to school stuff. Made me sad to think my child will one day fly the nest and go to uni....he's 3

Sparklingbrook · 09/07/2021 20:57

I don't think it can possibly be compared to bereavement but there were feelings and emotions I had never felt before that's for sure.

Helenluvsrob · 09/07/2021 21:00

No “ bereavement “ here. Just huge pride in the amazing adults they’ve become and a wee pat in the back for a job well done - it’s a mums job to make herself pretty much redundant 😂

Then they come pinging back and before you know it all your bills go up and and then hose is never tidy and the sick is never clean 😱.

Youngest back from uni. Middle one sadly back home as his relationship broke up due to the bloody pandemic (7yrs 😢)

Ragwort · 09/07/2021 21:05

I was delighted... I was so proud of my DS when he went off to Uni, he knew no one but soon made a good crowd of friends, found a part time job, he really thrived & achieved good grades... and to be honest I enjoyed the peace & quiet and lack of mess at home , he's back home now for the summer ..... he's coped well with all the Covid restrictions, the challenges of trying to find a placement for a year out ... I love the fact that he is becoming an independent young adult.

Sparklingbrook · 09/07/2021 21:05

I think in the same way that you know they’re ready for Reception class you know when they’re ready to go it alone as adults.

Original poster

FlowersR · 09/07/2021 21:40

Thank you for all the comments. Its the mixture of redundancy (after being so close and doing so much together as we home educated for a number of years).. and the changes in him and our relationship growing up and not really knowing what you mean to them (if anything) .. I mourn the loss of what we had, but yes, always very proud of him too.. and of course knowing he has to be self sufficient and grow up obvs.. but coming to terms with all that loss and change is bigger than the fact he is physically away I think!.. he reckons he is a bit "on the autistic spectrum" in regards to emotions and communication so that doesn't help the situation .. although that might be teenaged boy thing... I'm guessing that this is the time when having a partner/husband/friends/future plans kicks in to help.. things that dont apply. Anyway, thanks for commenting .. its been good to hear.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 09/07/2021 23:19

@Helenluvsrob

No “ bereavement “ here. Just huge pride in the amazing adults they’ve become and a wee pat in the back for a job well done - it’s a mums job to make herself pretty much redundant 😂

Then they come pinging back and before you know it all your bills go up and and then hose is never tidy and the sick is never clean 😱.

Youngest back from uni. Middle one sadly back home as his relationship broke up due to the bloody pandemic (7yrs 😢)

This ^

I don't recognise anything from your OP, and I find the comparison with a bereavement quite offensive, tbh.
It is fine (expected / normal) to miss them. It is quite usual to find some adjustments difficult. From what I read on here it isn't uncommon to have a little cry when you first drop them off or they leave on their own - though certainly not for all of us - however, you should be proud of the independent young adults you have raised.

They don’t disappear. The relationship and their needs change gradually over a decade or so. They don’t need you less, they need you differently.

Saracen · 10/07/2021 01:05

I think it is more stark for those of us who home educate, because we are used to having them around more of the time. Also, there is the adjustment to losing the role of home ed parent, which after a number of years can be a defining part of who you are.

Having two kids I haven't yet faced what you have, since the younger one is still at home and has special needs which suggest she'll need significant help for a long time to come. I was also fortunate that DC1's departure has been very gradual. I had dreaded the big "here one day, gone the next" departure. (My sister and I each left home pretty completely and never properly returned. I emigrated at 21. My poor mum!) But it wasn't like that at all with my eldest, who very slowly spent more and more time away. I've had time to get used to the idea.

This must be quite tough for you

Hufflepuff7 · 18/07/2021 21:22

I'm struggling if I'm honest. Dd is 20 next month. She's been in uni for 2 years but came home 4 months ago since no lectures.because if covid.

I'd got used to her being away eventually but now she's due to leave again I'm feeling I'm still responsible for helping her sort things out. I guess I'm finding it hard to leave go again :(

DinosaurDiana · 18/07/2021 21:23

I had a blip recently. The child that said they would never leave me upped and left. I was sad for a while but happy that she’s independent.
You have to find a new life to lead,

Litthefirealready · 18/07/2021 21:49

Ds18 has just moved to a nearby city, found himself a flat and a good job and has gone, all on his own. Has no friends there so has had to put himself out there and talk to people and ask for numbers and arrange things with people he doesn’t know. I’m incredibly proud of him. But oh my god the agony of letting him go. It’s so painful knowing that they are lonely, nervous, wondering if they did the right thing. But great when you get a text telling you what they have been up to, who they have met, what they cooked and so on.

lljkk · 18/07/2021 21:58

There's that other thread, where people are saying how they text their family at least a few times a week just to check in, and always at end of any trip away from home (maybe not including day trips, I wasn't sure).

I'm not like that. We never kept in touch like that. Not me with my folks nor me with my adult DC.

tbh, I really can't don't like idea of me being so important to DC. I want them to be more emotionally independent, at least as adults. I want them to have diverse ways of getting many kinds of support.

RoseRoseRoseRose · 18/07/2021 22:33

[Flowers] for you, OP, I am also the single parent of a single child and know just what you mean. It is a loss and it’s ok to grieve that. I hope that good things come your way as you move into this new phase of life.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 20/07/2021 08:20

You do get used to it. I was very out of sorts when DD went off to uni (2 years ago), I missed the buzz in the house. Her twin sister didn’t go to uni and missed her madly. It was nice there was still one DC here but it was a very different atmosphere without the chatter and laughter between them.

She’s just finished her second year and is loving her uni city so much that she’s decided to spend most of the summer there. I’m thrilled she’s met such a lovely group of friends and it’s worked out so well for her as she is quite shy and didn’t know a soul the day we dropped her off.

I can see her staying there after graduation.

As for contact ... we spent a weekend with friends who have a DD at uni and I was stunned at the amount of daily messages/phone calls they made to her. And the nan ringing them to say she couldn’t get hold of her!

I rang DD on the way home to say I thought we’d been a bit remis with calls etc. I WhatsApp every other day or so, prob ring once every 7/10 days. she replied she’d hate that level of contact, too intense and she knows where we are if she needs us.

Mydogisagentleman · 20/07/2021 08:37

Our only DD went to university last year. She contacts us sporadically for a moan about her ex flat mates and her course, or to share some achievements but apart from that we don’t hear from her from one week to the next unless it’s to arrange when we are going to drive to collect her.
She is due back next week, can’t wait to see her, but I know she’ll be irritating us within a day of being back.
I’m glad she is happy,healthy and independent

rishisboater · 20/07/2021 08:40

It's a loss of sorts and one I can relate to with mine. I don't like the word bereavement being used though as many on here have actually experienced that.

I think if you frame it that they just need you in a different way that can help. But it is hard to deal with the fact they'll never be tiny again and need you in that way

Flip