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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Curfew for my year 11 daughter

25 replies

Belo · 06/07/2021 22:26

I would love to hear from other parents as to what Time they expect their children to be home for in the evening. My daughter has been lucky and has been able to get a summer job (post GCSEs) so she now thinks as she can afford Uber’s home she should be able to stay out as late as she wants. I feel uncomfortable with her coming home after I’ve gone to sleep in case there is a problem. Unfortunately I find it really hard to stay up past 10.30/11 pm as my alarm goes off for work at 6 am and my days are pretty full on and stressful with work.

Apparently myself and my husband are the strictest out of all her her friends parents. Unfortunately we don’t know many of her friends parents but from the ones we spoken to we do seem to be the strictest. She says I’m not letting her grow up. As she has already been drunk a couple of times I’m nervous.

I would like her to have some freedom but I want to make sure I’m giving it to her in a safe and responsible way.

OP posts:
NotMyCat · 06/07/2021 22:30

I didn't have one, which probably doesn't help! But there were rules. I was living away at college at 16 and the curfew there was 11pm for 16yo or no curfew if your parents signed a form

I had to be home by the time I said, and not one minute late, and also say where I was going. We had (or still have!) a code word, so if I rang my dad at 2am and said (not the actual word) "is Dave there?" He would come and get me or sort a taxi, no questions asked. I think I used it once and he came tyres screeching into a club car park Blush

Then the sensible stuff like have a charged phone, have a spare tenner somewhere apart from your bag, don't leave your friends, don't get into a taxi you haven't ordered, etc etc

woodlands01 · 06/07/2021 23:03

I live very remotely and had slightly different experiences with DD and DS. Before they could drive they both needed taxi-ing to and fro which we did as remote living not their choice. Often stated over with friends, quite often at late notice. I went to bed with phone so could respond to any issues. One of me and DH would not drink so we could pick up. Gets more complicated when older, can drink and can drive. DD out clubbing, needing pick up at 2/3am - ok as at weekend. She was ok in the week, home reasonable or organised enough to stay with friends and let us know. DS bit different, tends to be out late but will drive home. I goto bed with phone but DH falls asleep on sofa til he arrives back. Very tricky - have tried to give them freedom but I work and am up at 6am, DH works from home so bit different and can be up later. Still tricky and they are older 18/20. I have moved beyond waiting up as I need sleep so phone at bedside is a permanent fixture, even when DD at uni. DH will wait up if they are being evasive.

Ducksurprise · 06/07/2021 23:10

Yabu. Leave your phone on, or do what I did and leave the unknown by everyone else's landlines on. Its not reasonable for her to be home so you can sleep.

toastantea · 06/07/2021 23:17

I feel uncomfortable with her coming home after I’ve gone to sleep in case there is a problem.

If there is a problem when you were awake what would happen? She would phone you? So leave your ringer on for her to be able to phone you if she needs to when you are asleep.

NotMyCat · 06/07/2021 23:26

I only ever had to ring my parents twice for help at late hours, and that's in 20 years Smile
My dad did used to mutter a sarcastic "morning" as I came in at 3am though Blush when I was 18

ContessaVerde · 06/07/2021 23:27

I heard a woman talking about agreeing a time to be home by (say 1am) then you set an alarm by your bed, go to sleep, and the young person has to be back in time to get into your room and turn off the alarm. If not you get woken up and find out what’s going on.
Personally I’m still on giving lifts home.
I have friends who had bad experiences with cab drivers as young women, so I don’t think that cabs are always the answer, especially if she’s drinking.

She might not always be able to call you if something goes wrong.

Original poster
Belo · 07/07/2021 07:29

Thanks for your responses. For those of you who go to sleep - do you set a time when your child needs to be home or do you leave it open ended?

By the way - my daughter is 15 - not 16 for another couple of weeks.

OP posts:
Seeline · 07/07/2021 07:38

I would say during the holidays, 11 pm for weeknights is the latest I would allow. Frida/Saturday I may allow later to be negotiated in a case by case basis (possibly with me doing the pick ups rather than using an Uber). Times in this instance would depend on what she was doing, where she was and who with.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/07/2021 08:03

Totally depends on where DS was going as to how late he was allowed to stay out ,having his own money did not factor into it. Not later than 11 for week nights though. Where is she going?

Original poster
Belo · 07/07/2021 17:07

She spends a lot of time in parks with friends. I really don't feel comfortable with that after dark but it seems to be where all the teenagers around here go. Tonight she's going to somebody's house to watch the football. They're probably about 30 minutes drive away. She thinks 11pm is too early to come home. She says if she has to leave so early she doesn't want to spend her money on an Uber so she will catch the bus/train! If we let her stay out later then she says she will pay for an Uber.

OP posts:
Original poster
Belo · 07/07/2021 17:08

@ContessaVerde

I heard a woman talking about agreeing a time to be home by (say 1am) then you set an alarm by your bed, go to sleep, and the young person has to be back in time to get into your room and turn off the alarm. If not you get woken up and find out what’s going on. Personally I’m still on giving lifts home. I have friends who had bad experiences with cab drivers as young women, so I don’t think that cabs are always the answer, especially if she’s drinking.

She might not always be able to call you if something goes wrong.

I really like this alarm idea!
OP posts:
Radio4ordie · 07/07/2021 17:12

I didn’t have one but was very responsible keeping my parents up to date with where I was, who I was with, when I was coming back. However I would very, very rarely be out past 11pm on a school night because I’d have been shattered the next day.

LtDansleg · 07/07/2021 17:19

I wouldn’t give a curfew at that age. Not on weekends anyway. Unless she’s making a racket coming in and waking everyone up, not being able to sleep is your issue rather than hers

Sleepinghyena · 07/07/2021 17:23

I disagree with some pp. I would have a just turning 16 yr old back home for 10pm so I could go to sleep, not be disturbed by them coming in, and not be worrying they had forgotten to lock the door...

BigSandyBalls2015 · 07/07/2021 17:52

10pm Shock, blimey that’s a bit strict!

motogogo · 07/07/2021 18:02

10 on weekdays, midnight weekends unless I had specific information as to where they were and why so late. Generally with her best friend so her mum and myself shared lifts. They rarely went to parks and part of the deal was a text with address and postcode where they were. Older dd never pushed boundaries so non issue

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/07/2021 18:09

Wow I'm shocked in the opposite direction to others on here - my DD is the same age as the OP's and I think the people saying she should be allowed out drinking as late as she likes, and that coming home in Ubers drunk after her parents are asleep is fine as long as she doesn't wake them up must be other 15 year olds!

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/07/2021 18:17

I'd say 10pm is a perfectly reasonable cerfew for a 15 year old who's hanging out in a park, not at a named venue/ house party, and I wouldn't want my daughter that age taking Ubers at night on her own whatsoever - only with a group of friends. Thankfully hanging out in parks isn't really a phenomenon in our rural area (it tends to be at one another's houses or kind of club houses on friends farms - DD hasn't got involved with the later yet but it's the equivalent of town kids in parks and tends to be a certain set. Lots of drinking.

I used to teach secondary and overheard plenty of conversations about what went on in parks - even allowing for bragging etc it'd make your toes curl if you weren't doing the same yourself as a teen - children of 14 and 15 getting falling down drunk and smoking weed and in some cases having lots of outdoor sex with sometimes multiple partners, apparently...

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 07/07/2021 18:20

For watching the football at a named friend's though I'd be fine with picking her up at midnight as a one off (not usually on a school night when I have an early shift next day, but a "special" reason).

Frenchfancy · 07/07/2021 18:29

15 year old do not get to hang around the park in the dark. It simply isn't safe.

Mine would have to home before dark or be picked up by one of us from a friend's house (so before our 10:30 bedtime. Or sleep over at a friend's. Friends parents tend to be stricter than we are so I have no problem with sleep overs.

Frenchfancy · 07/07/2021 18:31

The idea of a 15 year old getting an Uber on her own late at night sends shivers down my spine.

bonbonours · 07/07/2021 18:32

15? No way mine would be out late without me knowing exactly where she was and when I was picking her up! And that would definitely be no later than 11 or 12 for a very special occasion (not for hanging around the park!)

MadKittenWoman · 07/07/2021 19:16

Hanging around a park at that time is ridiculous, but I'd be fine with her being at someone's house and getting an Uber home as long as she was quiet when she came in and locked up. I used to be out about twice a week until 3:00 at 16. Will she agree to you tracking her whereabouts on 'find my', or similar, if you're worried? That's what we did with DS.

Callingallskeletons · 07/07/2021 19:21

I had to be home by 10pm as a teen, any later and there would be hell on
This changed when I went to college and started staying out/working in a pub but still always had to let DM know where I was if I wasn’t coming home etc

Our DC are still young, I’m dreading this stage by the time DD is hitting teenager years

mrsmoppp · 07/07/2021 20:05

My dd is 17 and I ask she be home by 10:30 on weeknights so as not to disturb the rest of the house.

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