15 year old with no friends.

[Enpen75]

My 15 year has struggled for years to make real friends in school and out of school. She does have a group she hangs out with in school and sits with for lunch etc but no matter how many times she asks them to do something at the weekends or after school they always let her down. She’s spent her birthdays alone after them arranging sleep overs they haven’t turned up to. She’s asks me if a friend can stay round and then when the day comes they cancel. They all do other things together and hang out after school etc but she’s never invited. She’s honestly just a normal kid, she’s not mean, she’s funny, she’s clever, she’s mature. If anything she’s probably too mature for kids the same age. She does get on really well with adults and can easily sit and talk to my friends no problem. But I know she’s desperate for a real friend because she’s told me numerous times. She breaks my heart everyday when she comes home from school! Her sisters bringing her friends home daily and she said she wishes she was doing the same 😪

We keep telling her with every year it will change but it’s been the same for a few years now and seems no better. Don’t know what to do for her anymore.

My DD is the same. She is now 16 and is leaving school with only one friend (and even then they only see each other every now and then). I would say the same things about my DD as you do about yours. My DD is very socially awkward though. I have just got her some counselling due to anxiety and the counsellor (who works with autistic kids) said she is textbook autistic girl (the signs are different to boys). My DS is also autistic so I shouldn't be surprised but I was sure she was not on the spectrum. If your DD has always struggled with friendships could this be a possibility?

My dd is autistic and has no friends. She’s 10 not one single friend. It’s heart breaking so I know the feeling ☹️

My DD has just left school and has no friends out of school.
She had friends on the bus and in school, but never went out with them after school.
I hope she’ll find a pal at college but it’s a long time without company of your own age until September.

So hard to watch. I’ve seen out of school hobbies work really well - a weekly sport/craft/whatever where the emphasis is on the activity rather than making friends. Increases confidence and friendships can develop in a less pressured way.

Thank you both for your replies. We have talked (me and dad) about her maybe having autism. She probably does have other ads traits. We are just scared of how to approach the subject with her. I was thinking of speaking to the school and asked her if she wanted me to do that but she said no because that’s something you would do in year 7 🙄

She was part of a youth group before lockdown but they’re still closed unfortunately. She got on well with the kids there for a while but still spent most of her time there with the adults!
It’s so upsetting isn’t it!! I love hanging out with her and will do so for as long as she wants but it’s not the same. I know she wants to go and hang out with kids her own age 😪

My DD is the same and has been throughout most of senior school. It breaks your heart doesn’t it. She has a lovely boyfriend now which has helped also a volunteering job and a part time job have helped a lot. I am hoping uni is better for her. Interestingly I feel she has some asd traits.

Oh poor love. I was quite similar so can really empathise. I got dumped unceremoniously by my primary school friends when we got to about 16. I then latched on to a pair of girls who were best friends with each other and became their third wheel. They put up with me and were pretty good to me really (I'm still good friends with one of them now) but I got excluded from a lot of things they did with the wider friendship group. I remember being heartbroken hearing everyone in the sixth form common room (including my two friends) chattering away about parties etc that I was just never invited to. I thought everything would magically improve at uni when I could start fresh, but it was actually pretty similar.

The main thing I think I would do differently is, as a pp suggested, try and get involved in more activities and make friends like that. Also to be more comfortable in my own skin and care less about what other people think (easier said than done I know) - in hindsight I think I probably came across as a bit desperate and try-hard, especially at uni.

I still don't have masses of friends and find group friendships difficult. I've realised that I'm better off with a few good friends and I'm actually pretty happy with my own company, and that's ok too. I'm happy, employed, married etc - successful by most measures! So there is hope for your DD.

Ah that is sad, op. I can imagine how you feel. I was a bit like that as a child but it improved later. I really hope it will for your daughter. In the meantime encourage her to be independent, follow her interests and -never be a people pleaser. She will make friends.

You're a nice mum.

This is one of my worries as we have told her for years that it will get better and it never does. Its always been next year when you’re mixing with different kids in different classes you will be fine. Kids she’s known outside school have joined her school and she’s been happy thinking they can be friends but they seem to find other friends. She was friends with a girl who she went to primary school and this girl used to come to our house to walk to school every morning but now she walks past with another girl 🤷‍♀️ I honestly don’t know what goes through ppls minds to do something like that!
I’ve messaged our local theatre and asked if they can take volunteers as theatre is something she’s really passionate about. 🤞

Getting on better with adults than peers can be an indicator for autism. Sounds like I was at that age and I'm autistic but not diagnosed until I was an adult. Just wanted to say that it's so good that you are taking an interest and trying to help her. My parents didn't try to help at all which just added to the pain.

It's easier to talk to people about a shared interest than just chat so can you find some activities that she can do alongside other people? Even online stuff at the moment?

Yes @bitheby you’re right that she finds it easier when she finds someone with a shared interest. She does talk to other teens online about things like musicals, podcast or bands.

I was also going to suggest some voluntary role, to take up some of her time.
Also a church group? Some have young people’s sessions which she might enjoy even if not religious - presumably they’ll have to be nice and kind?

Get her involved in explorer scouts.

Can she find some online friends?

If you're completely honest or look at it objectively op, is there anything she could be doing that might be considered off putting?

I was like this. Looking back I can see that I was very insecure and needy, and it showed. I made people uncomfortable. I was desperate and tried too hard and people kept me at a distance. I wasn't "cool".

I can see these things now.

If children she likes are cancelling plans with her regularly it's really really sad to say but she may have social and communication issues that mean she is isn't behaving "normally " and not reading cues wrll.
I'm so sorry op I feel so sad reading this I think that re autism it would be a real mistake to brush it under the carpet. A close relative of mine was not diagnoses as aspergers until an adult and he wishes so much he had known earlier.

If she is diagnosed it is a tool to help resolve things .

I would get her into a lot of out of school activities but also I would get her assessed for autism

@TourdeTarte

If you're completely honest or look at it objectively op, is there anything she could be doing that might be considered off putting?

I was like this. Looking back I can see that I was very insecure and needy, and it showed. I made people uncomfortable. I was desperate and tried too hard and people kept me at a distance. I wasn't "cool".

I can see these things now.

If I’m being totally honest my daughter can probably be a bit sarcastic. She is quite blunt in her way of putting things across. She’s opinionated and her interests are probably not the average interest of a 15 year old. She loves theatre, musicals, art galleries and that type of thing. Things like Love island make her cringe.

She may have come across as needy, or to be honest I think it’s probably been the opposite and she’s come across as disinterested in them in the past. She may have come across as standoffish to them but I think that’s just a part of her not wanting to get too close because she’s scared of being let down again.

My dd sounds exactly like yours. It is heartbreaking to see. I hope that your dd finds some friends soon. You sound like a lovely mum. She’s lucky to have you.💐💐

My DD is 16 and sounds similar with lack of friends. She did have a small group of quieter slightly alternative friends she sat with at lunchtime but none of them live close to us so they rarely met up outside of school even pre covid. DD has one best friend who she meets up with about once a week (dd is quite immature and seems almost obsessed with her best friend). I am worried she has a crush on her and dread to think how she would cope if they fell out. DD struggles to chat and make small talk. Also worried about this and possible autism. Take care OP.

My dd found it tough with friends until sixth form really. I wouldn’t say friendless, but she struggled and was excluded a lot.
Once she met people on her level things were much smoother & she started getting more invites, etc. She’s still quite wary of people as to whether they like her or not.
She may have some ASD traits, they are different in girls.
Also loads of girls like musicals, art etc, she needs to find some likeminded people!

Thanks to you all for your replies! Even though I hate to think there’s kids out there in the same situation I’m glad she’s not alone.

Ive signed her up for some acting classes so she’s on a short waiting list for them and ive also messaged my local theatre to ask what age she can start to volunteer for them. I’m also going to speak to a head teacher in school who helps run the duke of Edinburgh award scheme so trying to keep her busy and get out there to meet new people!

Wouldn’t it be lovely to get all these kids who are struggling together and show eachother it’s not just them! I think they’re going to grow up a lot more resilient and hopefully will see how brilliant they really are 🥰

You could be talking about my dd. She’s 14. Only has one real friend - sits with a large group but says they don’t really talk to her she is always on the out skirts and her biggest fear is picking teams or pairing up in pe. I am so sad for her . To think she can go all day without speaking to anyone. I don’t see how it will
Ever change and she is quite shy she doesn’t want to do
Any extra activities

Yes, your right, would be lovely if they could all meet up. We could find, that they are too shy to communicate with each other! I think that it’s fantastic, that you are setting her up with lots of different activities, to help her with the social aspect of life. There must be at least person, who she could connect with. Sometimes, all you need is one person to connect with. I really hope that this happens for your dd and all our dd’s too. I know that my dd really misses having friends and the social aspect as well. I really feel for her. I must admit, l do get a bit jealous, when l see groups of girls together and wish that it was dd and her friends. We all have to feel positive that it will happen for our dd’s .