Supporting DD in first relationship woes

[Hellandhighwaters]

Just wanted some advice from others around supporting my dd age 17 through her first relationship woes. I have stepped back and allowed her to deal with it all, without interfering and just offering advice when she asks - but I would also like to tell her just to dump him and move on!!

They met in school and have been together since before the first lockdown and he has (restrictions allowing) been a permanent fixture at our house over the last 16 months. He has always been smitten with her and they have a lovely friendship. However, since he started a part time job last month, he has been distancing himself and not wanting to see her, making excuses about being tired and not coming around, not replying to her messages etc. He went to a ‘work party’without her that involved an overnight stay at a girls house a few weeks ago with other work colleagues. DD was not happy about it, but as she is not controlling, did not object. Since then, he has taken her picture of them together off his social media . When dd questioned him about their relationship, he said that he wants to stay together and said his work friends thought she was ‘psycho’ for being upset about him removing the photo. I know she is not happy and I strongly suspect he has found someone else. He has always been so attentive towards her before.

I know relationships don’t last and if he has found someone else, that’s what happens, but I’m so annoyed with him for upsetting my dd. He has become like a member of the family and we’ve included him in family events etc. How have you handled this situation with your children?

That's horrible of him to say that his work mates thought she was a 'psycho'. Why the fuck was he talking badly about her to them? And then why the fuck did he tell her what they said? Of course they're going to say that when he has not told them that he has been distancing himself, not responding as much etc. I'd be so hurt by that alone even disregarding how he has been acting. That brings alarm bells to me, firstly it's a bit disrespectful to talk badly about your partner to others but if you do 1. It should only be to one or two trusted friends to let off steam 2. You shouldn't feed back their judgements! And secondly calling someone names (even if it's 'they said' it's still implicit that he agrees) when they question your behaviour usually shows a level of defensiveness that indicates you know your own behaviour stinks - he is deflecting rather than acknowledging or explaining.
Not sure what to advise your daughter as she has to draw these conclusions herself but I'd just concentrate on questioning whether she would treat a boyfriend in that way and enforcing her own boundaries about what behaviour she will accept, rather than trying to change herself or make him change

Thanks @DrinkFeckArseBrick. You have put into words what I was thinking. She discovered he’d taken their picture off his social media whilst he was at work. She’d messaged and asked him to ring her when he had a minute and then cried when he’d replied that he just ‘didn’t like the picture anymore’ and she tried to discuss how his behaviour has been making her feel. Some of his work mates over heard the discussion and I think he’d had a chat with a few of his colleagues after coming off the phone. You’re right to say that he shouldn’t have told her what they’d called her. She really is not a ‘psycho’ and has never been over possessive or stopped him doing things. That made my blood boil when she told me!

I know she needs to come to her own conclusions about whether she wants to continue things. My worry is that she has lost some female friendships over lockdown and won’t let go of this relationship because of everything they’ve been through over the pandemic together. I’ve always talked about walking away with your respect if you’re being mistreated. I don’t know whether she’s ready to listen to me just yet…

Just be there for her, it’s the most awful feeling in the world to see your teen suffer over someone who’s turned into someone who just isn’t worth it. Be strong for her, gradually she will realise and it’ll be painful but she will get over him.

It's awful I've just been through similar with my dd.. you feel helpless to take the pain away

Mine is now almost 23 and I handled it before it started really! I've told her from a young age (age appropriate!) that we don't put up with being treated badly by men, we know our worth, we don't let men call the shots and we don't give second chances for poor behaviour - ever. And we dump boys who are giving us the runaround

It's sunk in as we've had a fair few heartbreaks over the years and she has always, always called out being treated badly and dumped them. Last one was about 8 months ago. Someone she'd been with for 18 months. He was a lovely lad but he was drinking more and more with mates, cancelling arrangements last minute with her and just seemed stuck in a rut she didn't want to stay in. So she finished the relationship even though it made her sad

So my advice would be trying to in-still some firm boundaries in your daughter and teach her that she mustn't put up with this nonsense. Have the courage to finish it because she's worth more

And that's probably one of the best lessons you can teach her

As someone who had a pretty shit relationship where I wasn’t respected and was manipulated into feeling insecure when I was fresh out of school with a slightly older boy; I really wish my mum had told me to bin him off. I spent too long thinking the relationship would get better and our feeling would grow. It actually just got worse and he became quite abusive.

My mum was too soft, thought the ‘kiss and make up’ route was better than the get rid. I eventually got rid.. and with that I had my pictures that I was emotionally manipulated to take put online.

Tell your daughter that if she feels like she not being respected then to put this relationship down as a trial run, she knows what traits to put on her list of ‘cons’ when meeting another lad now. He sounds like an arse.

Thanks @PenelopeP1tstop and @MyMabel. I don’t think I can stand back and see her messed around for too much longer. She’s such a pretty girl, with a fun personality and deserves to be treated well. I hate to see her doubting herself. She could do so much better! I have held back so far, but might get her older sister to have a word if things continue. She’s made some new friends at college and has her own part-time job. I’ve been encouraging her to see her new friends and take on extra shifts. At least, she’s got things to do if they break up. I thought he would have had a bit more respect for her to tell her if his feelings have changed. He seemed so in love with her. I feel so sad because he did help her so much last year and I get on well with him, but she has to know her worth. It will hit her hard even if it is her decision to split up with him.

@Hellandhighwaters I know how you feel you just want to scream at the boy not to mess your dd around but don't it will make it harder for her if you say anything.
I have felt like that many times about my dd in the past and once acted on it and it didn't last long after that but It was different reason she has asthma and I found a photo of her smoking and lost the plot. I cringe now when I think back to it.
We have to let them make their own decisions and just advise them.
Think about this did your mum ever get involved in your relationship when you where a teenager.

Thanks for your advice @Andi2020. I know I won’t say anything. I had a similar experience a few years ago when I tried to stop my dd talking to an unsuitable boy who was pursuing her ( he had a girlfriend) and took her phone off her. She just downloaded an app on her IPAD instead and talked to him behind my back. It ended messily!! She said afterwards that she had known my advice was right, she just didn’t want to listen at the time. Hopefully I’ve said enough about respecting herself in relationships in the past that she will know when the time is right to end things.

One thing they don’t tell you when you become a mother, is that you effectively have to go through all the pain of adolescence again, only it’s actually worse, because it’s not your pain, it’s the pain of the person you love best in the whole world, and it’s almost completely out of your control to alleviate it!

@Temp023 That is so true, I wish I could take all her pain away! I didn’t tell my mum too much about my relationships - but didn’t really have my first serious boyfriend until I was 18. My dd and bf were 15 and 16 when they got together and I’ve watched them grow up together. Because of the pandemic they didn’t get to experience the wider world and stuck to each other, spending a lot of time at home. I’ll always be grateful to him for making her happy when everything was so uncertain for all teens last year. It’s obviously time for him to move on. I’ll just have to be ready on the sidelines to support her.