I'm too controlling and don't know how to stop

[Unusualusernames]

As background, my dad died suddenly when I was 8 so I struggle with anxiety. I went totally off the rails as a teenager and because my mum was suffering from MH issues she left me to it and I made a lot of mistakes that still impact me to this day. I'm 45.

My daughter is 15 and is starting to want a lot more independence. They finished school early yesterday and she messaged me and her dad go ask if she could go to McDonald's with her mates. Where she wanted to go was in the next borough where there have been lots of incidents. We said she couldn't go.

Her dad is also quite strict . He admits this and says it's down to him coming from West Indian culture where you would have to do what you were told (his words not mine).

We said she couldn't go and she came home and cried hysterically and said she is unhappy because we never let her do things her friends do. I feel terrible because she has a point. I know it's mostly about my anxiety that I can't let go and I feel like a terrible parent. I just want her to be happy and I don't know how to move forward.

I know this will sound ridiculous to lots of people but it's something I'm really struggling. I know she needs to be given more independence but I couldn't bear it if anything bad happened to her I just love her so much.

I guess I'm posting this to ask if anyone has any advice on how I can let her go a bit while managing my own anxiety. Or even just anyone else who struggles like this because I feel so alone in feeling like this?

I do totally understand. My way forward was to be really honest with ds around why I was anxious and then find a compromise. You will always worry it is part of being a parent! At 15 we were always prepared to pick up and drop off. We wanted to know where he was and have a set time to be home. Now he is 20, we have a when can I worry time, so if he is out with friends he will say I will be back by 1am and if he is not he is ok with me sending a text to check in. A lot of it is trust, so she does come home when agreed, she does go where you know she is. Once you have trust you will feel less worried. You have to give her the opportunity to spread her wings and show you that it will be ok. You also have to give her the space to sometimes get it wrong, if you keep communication open then these are easier to deal with.

It's good you recognise that this is your anxiety and not fair on your daughter. I had wonderful but anxious parents who struggled to let me grow up, and it resulted in my leaving home at 17 so that I could do normal teenage stuff.

We all worry about our kids as they gain independence, we all 'love them so much' ad we all couldn't bear it if something bad happened to them. These things are normal to feel, so put your feelings in perspective and stop using them to justify over-protectiveness.

It gets easier the more you do it. You build trust both ways. If it's always a blanket no, your daughter won't trust your judgement, and you create a risk for her to sneak off into a risky situation, because she isn't learning how to rationally evaluate risk and what is normal and OK to do at her age.

You just have to accept you'll feel worried but let her do reasonable things anyway, your uncomfortable feelings are your problem, not hers.

I do sympathise more than it sounds . It's a difficult age to parent. It's when things really start to change, and some of those changes are hard. My son at 14 started going out with his older friends to under 18s club nights in a rough town and I used to worry sick until he came home. But I weighed this up against the effects of isolating him from his friendship group, and let him go.

Try this book- www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-Life-bestselling-teenagers/dp/1846680875?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I had a strict childhood and didn’t want to repeat with dd- and found this book invaluable for understanding teens and adapting my parenting… and maybe you need to think about some counselling for your anxiety? It could help to talk all this out with someone new and give you some tools for letting her have her independence. At 15 you need to act fast, because otherwise you’ll lose her

It is nerve wracking of you think of all the things that could go wrong, but you need to let her spread her wings or you are going to lose her when she is old enough to say she isn't going to put up with it anymore. It does get easier the more you realise they aren't 12 anymore.

Open communication is key. You need to accept it is perfectly normal for 15 year old to go to McDonald's. She needs to tell you what the plans are so you can advise her how to be careful. You need to tell her your concerns and ask her to agree to reasonable boundaries/safeguards - such as she needs to stay with friends you know at all times, call you immediately if there are any problems, call you and let you know if plans change (and you need to be OK with this too), have emergency cash tucked into back of purse/phonecase, tell her to give her friends your number incase of emergencies, text now and again to day all is ok/having fun etc.

But the key thing i will repeat is you need to accept what she is asking to do is completely normal and nearly every 15 year old in the UK is going out with friends to McDonald's! (Or similar) and this is your problem not a problem with what she is asking to do.

The longer you hold her back the more of a disservice you do her, as all her friends will be growing in independence and social confidence, learning how the world operates socially today in a way you can't teach her. My parents kept me on a tight leash, I was so green when I was eventually let out I blame my naivety, lack of social confidence, trying to hide it, pretending to be like everyone else for things that happened to me. You need to find the balance and start letting her go now.

My mum used to stop me from doing reasonable things with my friends at reasonable places and times .. so I used to wait until she was asleep and go out them - and hang out with people I really shouldn’t have been and in awful places! A McDonald’s with my school friends would have been far safer than hanging out at the park at 10pm with drop outs. Choose your path wisely!

You are afraid of losing her so you don't allow her space, but in doing that, you will lose her in a different way.

How can she learn if never given any opportunity?

You just need to confront the anxiety, her going to McDs in the afternoon with some friends at aged 15 - when she has asked your permission and consulted you - is surely fine? It must have been very hard for her to miss out on a very innocuous thing like that when all her friends were going!

Mine is aged 12 so just ending year 7 and she is starting to go 10 miles on a bus with friends into our local town to McDs and shopping.

Have some rules. So you know where she is and what time she is coming home

Have a code word. Anytime she rings you and says it, it means "I need out of this situation" and no questions asked - make sure she can ring you for help any time without causing arguments/anger, she is much more likely to ask and also tell you what's happened
We had one when I was a teenager and even now I could still ring my dad and use it at 1am and he would come and get me if needed

Think realistically - she is safer in McDonald's with loads of people about than hanging around a park at night or you not knowing where she is

I think our job as parents is to keep careful oversight, to always take an interest and know what is going on, and concern ourselves with what they are doing, set some minimum requirements - eg they must say where they are going and when they will be back, have their phones on etc, they must stay in a group etc.

But within that framework which we help them with it is up to them to find their way and learn.

Would it help you to think that you are not just letting her go off roaming - you are exercising some control. You will set a framework and (hopefully, if you can create a good rapport with her) she will then roam within that framework?

@Nextchapterofmybook

My mum used to stop me from doing reasonable things with my friends at reasonable places and times .. so I used to wait until she was asleep and go out them - and hang out with people I really shouldn’t have been and in awful places! A McDonald’s with my school friends would have been far safer than hanging out at the park at 10pm with drop outs. Choose your path wisely!

I had parents a bit like Next's. It just meant that when I was allowed off the leash, I made the most of it. I had to sit on my hands a lot when Dd was that age, as I didn't want to be the same with her as my parent's had been. I'm anxious too, even now when she comes home, and goes out on the town, I'm not quite settled til I hear her come in. I see the apron strings that tie us to our children as being elastic rather than string, if that makes sense. Hard though, I do sympathise. FWIW my DD is now very independent and sensible, so something must have gone right.

Every time she asks you something and your instinct is no - try to think of ways compromise. How can she be allowed to do this safely?

● You could take her and pick her up.
● You could ask a trusted friend/relative to take her or pick her up if you can't.
● There are family tracker apps (it tracks everyone, including Mum and Dad). This allows everyone to know where everyone else is at any time. Life 360 is what the app is called. It could be used to develop trust.
● If it's something you are still worried about, instead of saying no could you go too, and hang around in the locality. For example go shopping near the Macdonalds.

Are you getting any help for your anxiety? CBT can be quite effective for some people.

It’s very scary when you first start letting them have more freedom. You’re so used to knowing where they are at all times and it can be hard to let go and trust that they have the skills to keep themselves safe.

The more you do it though, the easier it gets. You start to trust them. Situations arise and they deal with them, so you trust them more. But you need to take that first step and let her do some normal teenage things. A trip to mcdonnalds with her friends would be a good start.

I fully understand your anxiety my dd is 15 and wants to go out all the time to places that are quite far from home , she like your dd says the same thing that I’m being unfair & her friends have a lot more freedom . I have got better & allow her out once I know who she’s with & where , I also have an app so I can see where she is
Tbh I do trust my dd I worry that something could happen she is quite feisty at times I’ve always told her to stay around places that are busy & to call me if there’s any problems . There are so many stabbings going on at the moment & this worries me sick . The chances of it happening are slim but I realise that I’ve got to start letting her grow up as I don’t want her to rebel