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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Typical teenager or something else

20 replies

user1471543683 · 29/06/2021 20:19

My DS is 18 and for as long as I can remember he never gets excited about anything. I could tell him right now I'd bought a new car for him and he'd just reply ok. No excitement, nothing. We also never hear him laugh or see him really smile. Although I do hear him laughing with friends on the Xbox so he does do it, just not with us. If I need to talk to him about something, say exam results or driving lessons he puts his hood up and shuts his eyes. Like he can't be bothered listening to us and wants to shut us out. He also sits in his room, never sits in living room with us. He's very quiet but does have friends and does socialise with them. He's also started a part time job which he appears to be doing ok at but then who knows he never speaks to us to let us know. I just don't know if it's a teenager thing and he'll come out the other side or if it's something else. I'm a very laid back person so not giving him grief all the time but it hurts when it feels like he can't be bothered with you. On the very few occasions he does have a conversation it is lovely. Has anyone had any experience of this? Thanks

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/06/2021 20:32

Talk to him side to side ( in a car?) rather than face to face.

Mine behaved like this. He disappeared into his fetid room at 14 and reappeared at 18 as a delightful person.

Give him time

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/06/2021 20:44

Flat affect is a sign of a few issues. If it is with everyone.

Flat affect with just you and he's a smiley delight with others is a sign of being a teenager. He needs to separate from you. When's he moving out?

Original poster
user1471543683 · 29/06/2021 20:44

That's interesting as I've already picked up on that. If I'm face to face with him he'll not engage in conversation but if he is next to me in the car that's when I'll get something from him. He is also quite intolerant to noise. He hates if his dad raises his voice.

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 29/06/2021 20:49

Putting aside the issue of closing his eyes and putting his hoody up when I talk to him (he knows he will regret it if he does). It is pretty much the same here.

Second the sideways talking big time, strap him in the car and take him for a long ride, for added benefit choose an area with no network coverage.

0None0 · 29/06/2021 20:51

It doesn’t sound normal or healthy to meHmm

GrandmasCat · 29/06/2021 20:57

DP also has teens, who disappear into their rooms or their phones. Last year we took them for a weekend in Derbyshire to a very nice hostel in the middle of nowhere chosen specifically because the only access to the world is a single public phone in the village that you operate with coins.

Once they calmed down after the shock/strop after they realised their phones didn’t work at all, we had the best night out as a family we have ever had. Grin

I doubt very much they would fall for it again, though.

HazyDaisy123456 · 29/06/2021 20:57

DD is similar she is 16 and rolls her eyes and is short tempered when we speak to her. Also spends a heck of a lot of time in her room on her own.

I have wondered about autism. She also has an aversion to a lot of foods, bright lights, noise and touch.

Foxhasbigsocks · 29/06/2021 21:08

I wonder about whether this could be mild asd? Could also be low mood - do you think he could be depressed?

0None0 · 29/06/2021 21:15

I do t really think ASD can be experienced as ‘mild’

hamstersarse · 29/06/2021 21:17

I think it’s pretty typical....although I’d expect him to become more ‘adult’ in the next 12 months

What are his plans for next year?

toiletbrushholder · 29/06/2021 21:23

Not normal no, you need to try and build a relationship up and find out what's going on. He also needs to learn this isn't how to communicate.

Hidehi4 · 29/06/2021 21:24

Read up about teenagers brains it’s fascinating. Don’t give him eye contact when you want to talk to him. Do it while you are driving or cooking or busy with something else. Don’t go on about more then one subject talk about one thing at a time. If you need him to do something give him one thing to do at a time not a list and keep things short don’t go on and on

Original poster
user1471543683 · 29/06/2021 21:43

I have wondered about both ASD and depression. He is by nature a quiet person but it's the lack of communication that gets to me. Today for example his driving instructor spoke to me about how he's doing great with the practical stuff but nerves are getting the better of him. All I wanted to do was have a wee pep talk about trying to overcome it, imagine how he'll feel if he passes but equally lots of people don't pass first time so if he has to sit again so be it. Not nagging just trying to boost confidence but it's like I'm the worst person in the world, wont talk about the issue, the hood goes up and the eyes get closed. The part time job is a big step and I'm so proud of him for getting it. He's off to college so I'm hoping that theses two things will make him a better communicator. It feels like I have a stranger in my house at the moment Sad

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 29/06/2021 21:52

This sounds exactly like my 17yo DSS. In fact I could have written it.

Apart from the pulling his hood up and closing his eyes when you speak to him. My DSS might not say much, but doing what yours does is fucking rude.

FredAstairesChair · 29/06/2021 21:58

I'm like this and have been since a young teen. Has he had any trauma?

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 29/06/2021 22:01

Just want to say @user1471543683 you sound like a lovely mum. I can hear the hurt in your post.
I recognise some of what you describe in my 17yo ds (eye rolling when I speak as he assumes I’m going to be irritating/judgemental when I really don’t intend to be etc) but remember that this won’t last forever - the teen years are the worst so in a year or two you’ll be past all this.
If it’s mainly directed at you and he’s fine with his friends, I’d give it time to pass.

RebeccaAndBump · 29/06/2021 22:33

I was like this as a teenager and so rude to my parents and felt the world was against me ! I finally grew up and in my 20s i Started text and FaceTime my parents every day they proberly wish I'd leave them alone! If you don't think it's depression or anything like that then fingers crossed it's just a phase as it's not 'cool' to be close with your mum as a teen. Really hope it's a phase and you will be come close as your teen gets a little older

RebeccaAndBump · 29/06/2021 22:34

P.s I feel very guilty for being so rude to my parents and making their lives difficult

Bovrilly · 30/06/2021 00:08

I have one a bit like this, he's 17. It turned out he didn't want to talk to us about certain things (basically his future) because he is scared about it and wants to pretend that change is not going to happen. Is your DS uncertain and worried about things but reluctant to admit it?

Mine probably would be rude if he could get away with it but he gets short shrift. I would push back on the eyes closing thing if I were you, but apart from that I think you just have to keep trying, gently.

Sympathies though, it's hard work.

RebeccaAndBump · 30/06/2021 07:10

@Bovrilly

I have one a bit like this, he's 17. It turned out he didn't want to talk to us about certain things (basically his future) because he is scared about it and wants to pretend that change is not going to happen. Is your DS uncertain and worried about things but reluctant to admit it?

Mine probably would be rude if he could get away with it but he gets short shrift. I would push back on the eyes closing thing if I were you, but apart from that I think you just have to keep trying, gently.

Sympathies though, it's hard work.

Yes! The whole change thing and avoiding it sounds like a lot of teenagers
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