DD 17. Not getting on at all

[Snuggleworm]

So, I have asked advice here through the years as we have had quite a difficult time with our now 17 year old daughter. Lots of different types of issues but she seemed to have progressed really well and everything was running smoothly and we were great pals.

So bit of a back story first. She has recently re connected with her ex boyfriend, I don't agree with it as it took her so long to get over him but she is 17 and her own person. She tells me a lot of stuff and had been filling me in on the details. I then said something like " so he did say that he wanted to meet up again" or something to that effect.She went mad at me saying that I looked in her diary and that how would I know that he said that. because she told me he said that but is now saying that I have invaded her privacy and she will tell me nothing again. I actually don't really want to know TBH but am quite upset as she genuinely thinks I read her diary. I don't even go in to her room anymore as it can be a tip at times. Let alone read her diary. I am just so upset that this has caused a huge rift and she won't come to me now to talk if she does have any issues.
She is an only child so would be indulged I guess. She doesn't ask for much but never has to want for anything. I am just sad that she seems to have cut me out completely and I am lost.
The thing is, she wants me here to do all the adult things like, book her doctor appointments, keep a track and remind her of her dentist appointments, track her periods cycle etc, sort out her bank statements, update her CV, pay for her spotify, Disney plus.apply for jobs for her so she can carry on being a teenager.
I know is seems like such a first world problem and that it is typical teenager behaviour but what I really want to know is...
How do I manage this? One minute she wants to be my friend, the next her mother. She pulls me in then pushes me away.
I just do not know how to handle this. If I am strict and have rules she tells me that I am being immature. I will admit that due to issues she has had int he past, I have looked in to her phone and checked her bedroom for stuff but have not donbe that for a long time.

Just as a side note, her father is a manipulative control freak and gas lights a lot. She has managed to learn a few tricks along the way and knows how to guilt me in to giving in to things. I fear that she has inherited some of his traits without even being brought up with him ( we are seperated)
I hoenstly feel like I do not know how to parent anymore and she is slipping away completely.

Can someone give me some simple practical advice on how I should manage this phase or how I should behave as a parent.

Please be kind, I am menopausal too :(

This sounds like a tough position to be in.
I would say that she needs to be taking on all of those adult responsibilities… I find that you track her cycle really really odd! Why does that happen? Definitely hand those over.. she needs to be pulling her weight around the house and being responsible for herself more. I imagine she won’t like it but she’s 17.. nearly an adult and time to do more for herself.

The ‘rules are immature’ line is interesting, which rules is it that she’s having a problem with? What does she suggest the new rule should be? I think there needs to be room for negotiation but you have to know (and stick to) what’s reasonable, don’t be railroaded.
If she wants to be an adult and negotiate rules, she needs to take over her adult responsibilities IMO.
Good luck op, I’m sure more folk will be along in a sec with more advice.

Why on earth do you care if she calls you immature?! That would get a wry chuckle from me not a navel-gazing hand-wringing 'woe is me, she hates me'.

She's being a normal teen, but you are over indulging and babying her - sorting out her CV, applying for jobs and tracking her cycle. Seriously?! She's almost an adult - why on earth doesn't she do those herself. Why does she want you to?

Grit your teeth. Smile. This will pass. She isn't your friend. Time for you to start to detach from her, so she can become a functional adult, then you can come together as close adults when she's grown up.

And stop seeing your ex in her. That's a really unhealthy view of her. She's not him, she's her.

At 17 stop babying her, why track her cycle this seems strange just buy her what she needs for it have a good supply and leave her to it.
The job application and CV show her jobs if you see them but get her to do application
I have 3 teenagers
Dd1 is 18 next month have quite a bit of tantrum from her if I say no but they do need some rules. She is alot better now but 15 to 17 we clashed about where she was hanging out with friends.

ahhh.... I have an analogy for you OP.

Your daughter is the raging sea. Whipped up by winds & forces she can't control. She can be placid and lovely other times. You are the battered cliffs. She doesn't mean to batter, and she comes to love your reassuring solidity.

That's what parenting my teen girl felt like at times. I was the cliff, obviously.

You stay constant. One thing teens get great security from is constancy (predictability) in adults around them. Keep up the same basic messages ("I didn't and wouldn't read your diary") etc.

She still wants to talk to you. This is a great sign.

Try to emotionally divest where you can -- for your own sanity.

About the basic life tasks -- pick an easy one & ask her if she'd like to manage that herself. Track her periods with a phone app, maybe. Then pick the next easiest one & ask her how she would like to manage that on her own going forward, repeat. "Best way I can support you is to help you find an easy way to do this for yourself."

I nearly had to phone gym to book appt for my almost 20yr old ferociously confident daughter to "view" it the other day -- teen aversion to phone calls is phenomenal. She spoke to them herself in the end. This is same young woman who can easily brush off any lech, handle drunks in the bars, argue for England and sailed through competitive university interviews.

You would do well to read this link by Lynne Forest on the 3 faces of the victim. It was an eye opener for me.

It's not that your daughter has become a 'meanie' like your ex DH.
It's that you are falling into the Victim role and that feeling reminds you of when you fell into the Victim role when he was around. Be careful you do not start projecting that onto her and making her the bad guy. She's done nothing wrong except create a boundary between you and her, which teenagers do because their mothers are not their 'friend'.
The love a parent has for a child is not the same as the love a child has for a parent. One is an apple the other is an orange.

Below is a paragraph about being a 'Rescuer' who then takes on the Martyr role when people around them start rejecting their offers of help. This happens with teenagers when they start wanting to do things for themselves. As a mother that feels like a blow to our feelings when we told in very clear terms 'you aren't needed around here anymore'.
There's a famous book about parenting teenagers called "Get Out of My Life...: But First Take Me and Alex Into Town". Think that title sums it up nicely

The link to the Lynne Forest page is at the bottom. Well worth a read. It's difficult and your feelings will be hurt, but it will teach you something hopefully. A lot of Mothers end up in this Rescuer role, it's just our learnt pattern of responding.

"SGR’s, (Starting Gate Rescuers) like Sally, have an unconscious core belief that might go something like this; “My needs are not important … I am only valued for what I can do for others.” Of course, believing these ideas requires her to have someone in her life who she can rescue (a victim). How else will someone like Sally get to feel valuable and worthwhile?

Sally would never admit to being a victim because in her mind she is the one who must have the answers. Nonetheless, she does, in fact, rotate through victim on the triangle on a regular basis. A SGR in the victim role becomes a martyr, complaining loudly, “After all I've done for you … this is the thanks I get!”

www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

Best of luck. You'll get through this. I am told by friends of older kids that by around age 25 the selfish teen often makes a re-appearance as a normal person!

Thank you everybody for your replies and you are all correct. I baby her a lot and she is usually a sweet good girl who just had a lot of issues with depression etc. The reason I tracked her cycle was because the doctor had asked her to track her moods/cycle etc as she felt her low moods etc were hormonal but as she was low at the time she kept forgetting so that was something I just helped her with.. So I should have said that in my first post.
I will def let get her to take a bit more responsibility and try to be the parent here.It is difficult as no matter how low etc she was before she never shut me out or we never really fell out. We were super close so that is why I am finding it a bit difficult to comprehend now.
lljkk I love your analogy. Your post has been kind and supportive and gives me a bit of understandanding in to the lives and minds of 17 year old girls.
I know I am a complete pushover when it comes to her and I need to toughen up a bit.

sadie9 Thank you so much. I am going to have a read of that now.