What do you do when your dd is actively excluded from gatherings?

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

Dd (aged 14) has two friendships groups.

She is excluded from gatherings with them. They will lie to her about the meets - say they're not meeting - and then she will see posts on Insta showing that they did in fact hook up.

She says she's has no other friends now as all the people in these groups follow the lead of two girls who decide what is happening and when.

She feels lost, upset and left out. And can't figure out why.

How can I help? I am of course irritated with these girls for being unkind but what can I do apart from teach her that being alone is far preferable to being treated like dirt.

So hard. She's been sobbing all evening. We aren't in the U.K. by the way.

What interests does she have now or could possibly develop? Is there a sport or pasttime she likes? If so, can you help her to join a club outside of school and her existing circle of friends?

Delete Instagram or else unfollow her classmates. Don't ever assume that a group of people the same age will automatically become friends - it isn't a reflection on her as a person.

Being your own best friend comes before you can be friends with others.

My mental health is better from treating social media with a light hand.

They led to her to believe they were friends.

I am not sure there is anything you can do apart from teach her not to care and to look for better friends. Joining a sports team or some type of club might help her meet people with similar interests and feel like she belongs somewhere.

Yes. She already does hockey and swimming but so do the other girls. We will look for something else for her.

I remember being treated like this as a teenager by my so called friends, it was incredibly hurtful.

To be honest just being there, talking to her and being supportive will mean a lot to her (my parents didn't give a shit!)

Also agree to come off social media. Nothing good can come if it.

14 is a horrible age, girls can be utterly vile. Just reassure her that she will come through this, life won't always be this way.

I went through this too and decided to make new friends. I consciously tagged on to another group, invited them to my house, made a real effort for a while until I became a part of the new group.

Best thing I ever did was walk away from the ones who were awful to me.

If she was a bit younger, I would say divide and conquer. Ask her to pick the girl she likes best and invite her for a day out somewhere exciting... Get her to invite one or two of them round at a time. Not sure whether that will work for her age group but might be worth a go.

Alongside that, promote friendships with others outside these two groups. That might make her more confident in herself which will make her care less about the unkind girls excluding her (and perversely will also make her less of a target to them).

Is there an after school activity she could join that they don’t do? Would she be into something like cadets? They do amazing things and can be as busy as they want to be with various activities and weekends away.

Oh god age 14 is just like this. I fell out with/got ditched by my group too - mainly as they were suddenly obsessed with drinking and smoking and I thought they were being stupid.

What got me through was one friend who wasn’t really gelling with the group either. We hadn’t been close before but bonded over what idiots the others were being. She’s still one of my best friends.

Is there someone like that for your DD?

By 15/16 things got a lot better, everyone grew up a lot and re gelled.

And yes with hindsight, out of school activities would have helped a lot. I was envious of a friend who had a drama club at the weekends.

I remember my dd at 14 being the only one in her friendship group not invited to a sleepover. This was made worse by the event being all over her social media. I can still remember her sobbing in my arms and wondering why she had been left out.

Fast foward a year and my dd was out having a picnic with some of the girls from that party and it was the turn of the girl (who’s party it was) to be left out. Friendships at 14 are very fickle. She stayed with the friendship group of around 10 girls until she left school at 16. The girls fell in and out of friendships all the time. Eventually there was a big falling out amongst all the girls last year and she is now at college where she has developed some lovely new friendships. It’s so tough when it’s happening and as a mum you want to support her. No real advice other than do what you can to boost her self esteem and encourage activities/ hobbies outside of school.

Nasty ‘friends’, such a shame for her, some people are just dicks & it sounds like she’s surrounded by them. Is it possible for her to change schools for sixth form (or equivalent where you are)? A fresh start to look forward to and a positive message that she just has to get though this last bit, then she’d be moving somewhere she can meet new, less shitty friends (it sounds extreme but girls like that don’t change and it can destroy self-esteem, the promise of getting away from them may help her care less about their horrible behaviour)?

God I remember this. Teenage girl cliques suddenly rejecting you. Happened at around 14 for me. It killed me. I tried to make other friends and took up extracurriculars (library assistant, drama club etc). Still remained friends at school but knew I wasn't being included. At around 17 they all apologised a bit and we sort of made up.

At 20 they truly recognised what they'd down and we're all good friends now in our late 20s.

Definitely delete/unfollow social media. It makes things a lot worse. Encourage other friendships outside school

My DD had this - she would arrange meet-ups people would agree then suddenly everyone would cancel and then she would find out they had met up without her. I advised her to be friends with some boys as they seemed more sensible and that was quite enlightening as one of the boys showed her the messages on the girls was sending about her.

It was interesting to see which girl was behind it and which were following and why, it was basically over boys and the girl concerned was worried DD would end up with her boyfriend 'as she is prettier and nicer than me' so said for everyone to isolate her. DD wasn't interested in the boy.

It's a horrible age, full of drama and hormones and then exams.

It’s a horrible age for both boys and girls - both my DCs went through similar stuff that age. DD ditched the toxic group after GCSEs and at 18 is only friends with one of them who wasn’t really involved in the leaving out. She got into a different group in sixth form but even that had its issues.
DS had a bit of it in year 9/10 too.
My advice is to try and find other girls who are on the periphery, maybe boys who aren’t your typical ‘lad’ and more interested in being friends w girls than your average 14 yr old.
My advice is to try different outside interests until she finds her ‘tribe’ - it worked for me, but sometimes it’s more luck than judgment.

Your poor DD. My DD went through similar time at 14 and it was heartbreaking to see. She got in the middle of a spat between two girls in her friendship group, took a side with one of the girls who was the "leader" of the group then when she talked to the other girl, the "leader" booted her out and told all the other girls not to talk to her. She then got sacked from another group thanks to one of the girls. However, she then found her people and has been happy since Y11. I think your DD needs to find some new friends.

Read about 'Queen Bees & Wanna Bees'. Teenage girls can be absolute bitches.

This happened to my DS. It is heartbreaking. He ev3ntually made new friends, but the wounds ran deep. My heart goes out to you and your girl xx

This happened to my DD for years and has damaged her to be honest, causing an eating disorder. I wish I’d moved her from the girls school she was at as it was such a toxic environment. She is off to uni soon and I hope she has more luck finding decent friends there.

Tell her to leave the friendship groups there is no point in her wasting her time. Tell her to make friends out of school because it is more easier. My daughter doesn't have that problem because she doesn't like too may friends in school because she says it is too much drama and she like to have more them from out of school from her different clubs and stuff. So I suggest that you see if she want to join club from the stuff she is interested in.

Hi, am going through similar with my daughter. Did things get better? Any advice…what helped your dd? Thanks

@Horsesforcourses75 Best to start your own thread really.