Really REALLY shy teenager

[bigbaggyeyes]

My dd is 13, she's a lovely girl, in the most part. Typical opinionated teen, but also kind and considerate. I was awful at that age so I'm thankful we have a good relationship.

The issue I have is that she's so shy, I mean really shy. She can't go into a shop and buy a can of pop on her own, or into a chip shop whilst I wait outside. We took her and a friend to the cinema yesterday. They went in on their own, but we bought them the usual popcorn and drinks before seeing them into the screen. When buying the popcorn i asked them what they'd like and encouraged her to ask for it, whilst I stood right next to her, but her head goes down and she won't ask, even when the server asked her which drink she'd like, she barely manages to force it out. I know from experience if I refuse to do it, or try to make her go into a shop tears will come and she'll go into panic mode. She'd rather go hungry than go into a shop to ask. If she's with a friend, she'll go into a shop but she'll give her friend the money and her friend will pay. She won't even knock on her friends door if they've arranged to meet, but will wait outside, or in the car and text them.

She's fine at school, has also given presentations infront of class (nervous but that's normal), and she's fine at home.

I really worry how she'll get on in life if she can't even go into a shop, what happens if she's out and needs to get help or gets lost.? How do I encourage her without stressing her out?

I was a lot like this when I was her age. I was fine at school and at home, but I used to make my friend buy my bus tickets, I wouldn't go to the post office, and I wouldn't ever call anyone.

My mum still reminds me of how awkward I was in these situations with people I didn't know. I went on to study to a high level and eventually taught at leadership level, so I got over it naturally in the end. But, I still don't relish making calls, or dealing with e.g. hairdressers, or making other random appointments, no one would ever guess this about me though!

Try not to force her as it will make her feel more self-conscious. Hopefully as she starts going out more independently she will feel more comfortable.

This isn’t shyness
This sounds more than that.

Anxiety
Crippling lack of self esteem
I’d be seeking professional help

This must be so difficult for her. What does she do if she’s on her own, for example is she able to travel to school alone? Can she genuinely not ask for anything in a shop?

Maybe you could talk to her and ask if she’d like help to overcome this. Starting small such as just passing over money and saying thank you to a server. I do appreciate shyness and it must be so hard but being able to pay in a shop and order things is an important life skill. I also think that the more you avoid frightening things the worse they are. It’s better to try and overcome them in a supportive environment.

Also, if you discussed beforehand and practice at home, you might avoid the tears as she won’t feel as panicked/put on the spot.

@Wallabyone that's good to know thank you. When she was at primary school she wouldn't ever go to any overnight trips. Now she's looking forward to the trips with school. So maybe it is just something that will take time.

@Kanaloa those are really great ideas, i'll start to do them with her, and talk to her more about it. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it so I don't stress her even more. For me it's about stretch not stress at this moment

Stretch not stress sounds like a good approach OP. I was similar at that age and was so self-conscious! Handing over money and saying thank you is a good start. Then she might move on to giving her drink order in time and with support and practice.

Has she always been like this?
Or a recent development?

@Sometimesfraught82 she's always been like this, at primary school she'd never stay over on school trips. She has now said that she's looking forward to going away with school so that's improved

We had got to the point, before lockdown, where she would go into the chippie, since lockdown shes gone backward

It's good to hear some people have been through this and have come out the other end a well rounded person.

She talks about wanting to be a marine biologist and travelling the world, I'd hate for something like this hold her back

Personally, I would be tentatively researching a specialist in building self esteem and helping with anxiety in teens.

That's a good idea @Sometimesfraught82 I'll look into that too

I was the same, terribly painfully shy- this might be a bad suggestion that might not suit your DD (but you could ask and see how she feels about it) could you sign her up from some drama classes. I did stagecoach (so drama, singing and dancing) when I was 13/14 and it honestly helped me so SO much with confidence that I could then transfer to other situations, they’re not pushy so it doesn’t have to be something she wants to do as a career in the future but it does teach great transferable life skills and can be really fun.
I’m shy as myself but when I’m a ‘character’ i don’t feel shy- so I’ve taken that into my everyday life. For example if I have to phone and book a doctors appointment I just pretend in my head that I’m this confident character.

She talks about wanting to be a marine biologist and travelling the world, I'd hate for something like this hold her back

I used to be a bit like this (hated phoning even friends let alone others, hated interacting with people I didn't know) and I am now a journalist which you would think would be impossible for a shy anxious person. I wanted to be one so much though that it forced me to get right out of my comfort zone, and it is so very far out - phoning people you don't know and asking things that might annoy them - that it really helps with day to day shyness.

Some things that helped:. One of my friends refused to always be the one who did the interactions, and insisted we take it in turns. Taking a year out between school and uni: a series of low level jobs improved my social skills and I went travelling where I had to ring hostels up and sort out transport or would not have had anywhere to sleep.

My sister was a bit like this. She was a confident kid but when it came to asking for bus tickets, ordering food, going into shops etc she just suddenly became really fearful and I always had to do it.

She got over it as an adult because she had to. She's a doctor now so is great with people.

My Dd (15 August) was like that at the same age. That has changed by itself in the last year or so. All of her friends have become interested in going shopping, etc… (we’re in Aus, so not locked down.) I imagine once things open up and they become freer, she will blossom.

Some really useful advice, thank you all for responding. It's nice to know this isn't a one off and 'normal' if there is such a thing in the life of a teenager

I love the idea of her getting involved in Am Dram, her auntie does it and she's talked about getting involved recently.

My daughter is 13.5 and is the same as you describe. She will go without a chocolate rather than buying it from the shop herself and she loves chocolate, so that is a big thing!
I haven't been too worried as I think her confidence will grow in a step by step way, and 13 is still very young.
The drama idea suggested by others is great if she is agreeable. I have suggested this to my daughter but she is not keen, hates drama as hates anything that involves performing! She is able to laugh at herself regarding this though, so I think that is positive.
Good luck, let us know how it goes!

I was exactly like this at 13. Crippling anxiety about any interactions with people I didn't know, and if i was pushed I would shut down even more. By the time I went to uni at 18 I had overcome certain things like just buying things at the shop etc but anything that involved even slightly more interaction (like sending a parcel at the post office for example) made me panic, to the point I would get anxious days before knowing I had to do it. I survived to a certain extent because I was very social and with my friends I could cope - although in restaurants I used to come out in a cold sweat at the thought of having to tell the waiter my order in front of people.

I'd say the key to getting used to things is going to shops/cafes/restaurants when things are uncrowded and its easier to communicate. And also the responsibility of little things, like calling to make a doctors appointment. I'm so glad to my mum for giving me a nudge.

I moved abroad when I was 22 and I was forced to overcome it, in an unknown environment and with a new language etc I had other things to worry about and didn't even think about my other anxieties. Not suggesting you send her abroad ha! But just an assurance that there will come things to help her overcome it. There still are moments of course, but thats just part of being an anxious person I guess

I was like this too around the same age and had a best friend who always bought my stiff for me in shops. I gradually blossomed and gained confidence from our 16/17 and when I was in situations of having to do things for myself I realised it wasn't so bad, although I can still struggle in certain situations. My DD 16 is the same and has been diagnosed with social anxiety and low self esteem. With her having the diagnosis it made me realise that what my parents termed "shyness" in me was actually social anxiety.
The main thing I won't do is force my DD to do things unless she's ready too, my parents did this and I ended up very resentful and it did nothing to help my anxiety. I'm watching and waiting, with gentle encouragement to hopefully see my DD gain confidence over the next few years as she goes to college and becomes more independent.