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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS - Father's Day and locking me out - how would you have handled this?

24 replies

beefbaguette · 20/06/2021 18:44

DS14 was supposed to be going for a Father's Day breakfast with his Dad this morning. DS wakes up, declares he's tired, he's not happy with the present he's got for his Dad, and he's not going.

I was really cross that he had let his Dad down and removed his PC time for today. DS kicked off massively, there was shouting on both sides, DS tried to block my path and was getting in my face, I pushed him out of the way and it culminated with me going into the garden to sit down as I could feel myself really starting to lose my temper.

DS promptly locked me out of the house, and at this point I flipped my lid.

I asked DS' dad to come and remove him from the house, in the meantime I had to go and get my keys from my cleaner to get access back into the house.

DS has given me a half arsed apology and I'm still too cross to talk much to him other than to acknowledge his apology.

What would be the outcome of these events in your house? What sanctions and/or conversations? Was I wrong to remove PC time in the first place?

Parenting teenagers is SHIT and I'm constantly second guessing myself. Thanks x

OP posts:

PartyNeeded · 20/06/2021 18:54

Do you live with his father? Your post makes it sound like you don't? Which makes me wonder whether you were annoyed at him letting him down or not going out and giving you a morning in your own?

Parenting teenagers is shit. Really really hard. I'm almost through the other side of it and what I've learned is pick your battles, walk away from the superficial stuff, don't take responsibility for their decisions and actions, have time apart but also gave quality one to one time.

I'd have just said "your dad will be disappointed...its you not a present that he wants" and left him to it. End

PartyNeeded · 20/06/2021 18:56

Locking you out and blocking your path....I'd be saying don't you ever ever ever do that again to me. I'd make it really clear that the sanctions for that were not going to be trivial.

PartyNeeded · 20/06/2021 18:57

That last one sounds pathetic but I'd deliver it in such a calm but steely way my kids would know we weren't talking depriving them of PC time we were talking really significant actions

kerkyra · 20/06/2021 18:58

Oh no! That sounds awful but it's the sort of thing my youngest teen would do.Was he mortified and sorry?
If it was me and he had apologised, I'd let it go whilst making sure he knew it wasn't on and it would never happen again.
I've let alot go in the past with my two older DC and though locking you out was stupid and irresponsible,hopefully was a one off.

HollowTalk · 20/06/2021 18:58

I think he should go and spend some time with his dad until he cools down. What he did, facing you down and locking you out of your own home are really horrible things to do.

Billandben444 · 20/06/2021 19:02

I wouldn't have said anything/been bothered - at 14 he's old enough to mess up his relationship with his dad if he wants to. I don't want to be mean but I don't think it was anything to do with you and I'd have left him to text his dad and take responsibility for his decision. Having said that, I agree that dealing with teenagers can be a minefield!

Bluntness100 · 20/06/2021 19:03

Are you with his dad? You’re really protective of him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2021 19:08

There are a thousand questions. Does he get on with his dad generally? Is he a good and present father? Are there other DC at his dad's house to compete with? Was breakfast and the present his idea? Is there some reason he's tired?

Don't push your child. Especially at 14 physical altercations should never ever happen.

Original poster

beefbaguette · 20/06/2021 19:13

Answers to questions...

No I don't live with his father, we split up over 10 years ago.

DS has form for deciding not to do things at the last minute. I think it's a really poor show to let people down like this, and was thinking how upset I'd have been in his Dad's shoes.

DS doesn't have a phone at the moment and refused to tell his Dad he wasn't going himself so I was the one left having to break the news to his Dad which also made me cross.

OP posts:

UserAtRandom · 20/06/2021 19:19

Don't get into a physical altercation with a teen - if they are not already they will soon be bigger and stronger than you are.

Yes, DS behaved badly; but so did you - have you also apologised for pushing him?

I agree with others that you have to pick your battles. DS's relationship with his father is his business (even if you were together). If DS doesn't want to go and see his father, you need to tell him that that' it's poor to let him down but it's ultimately up to him and make sure he rings his dad to let him know. Removing PC time was out of proportion for the perceived "wrongdoing".

Bluntness100 · 20/06/2021 19:21

Op, he’s 14. He can tell his father himself. You can’t resort to physical violence. It’s never ever ok.

YelloYelloYello · 20/06/2021 19:22

It sounds like Fathers Day was really triggering for him and he couldn’t cope.

Obviously his actions towards you were out of order but I’d be more concerned with the fact he felt that way in the first place.

Bluntness100 · 20/06/2021 19:28

Op do you still have a thing for his father? Or were you planning something when he was out? Is there a reason you didn’t try to talk to him about it, to understand why he felt the way he did? His feelings are valid and it’s important to understand them,

Original poster

beefbaguette · 20/06/2021 19:36

@Bluntness100

Would others here genuinely not be upset if their DS reneged on their plans with them for Mother's Day?

I've already explained that DS has form for refusing to do things at the last minute and I'm at the end of my tether with it. He's not been to an optician appointment for 2 years - I book them and he refuses to go on the day. He lets his football team down by refusing to go regularly. There are many, many other examples of this behaviour. This was just a step too far for me today.

This is nothing to do with either my or DS' feelings towards his dad and everything to do with him preferring to spend the morning in bed on his laptop, in my opinion.

OP posts:

notacooldad · 20/06/2021 19:40

@PartyNeeded
That last one sounds pathetic but I'd deliver it in such a calm but steely way my kids would know we weren't talking depriving them of PC time we were talking really significant actions
What would the significant action be?

1Micem0use · 20/06/2021 19:40

Could it be anxiety?

HollowTalk · 20/06/2021 19:55

I doubt it's anxiety! It's doing-whatever-the-hell-you-want-no-matter-who-you-let-down.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/06/2021 19:58

How horrible for you. I agree he needs to go to his dad’s for a few days if possible. He has two parents and given his behaviour the one that wasn’t involved in this bust up needs to step up.

Hope you’re okay.

notacooldad · 20/06/2021 20:21

Would others here genuinely not be upset if their DS reneged on their plans with them for Mother's Day?
Absolutely, I agree with you.
Assuming there's no reason for any trauma and its a case couldn't be bothered I would have made my son go and remind him about a sense of duty. Not everyone will agree but if he made an arrangement and there's no good reason not to go he should be told it's not negotiable and you don't let people down. Its a basic life lesson.
You were not wrong to remove the pc and I would be implementing another consequence for his outburst.

Original poster

beefbaguette · 20/06/2021 21:27

@1Micem0use

Could it be anxiety?

He does have anxiety, but on this occasion I don't think this was anxiety-related. His anxiety is mostly around school. He's been away with me this week Friday-Saturday and has been absolutely fine, out for dinners, at the beach and so on. No issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

beefbaguette · 20/06/2021 21:28

@AnneLovesGilbert

How horrible for you. I agree he needs to go to his dad’s for a few days if possible. He has two parents and given his behaviour the one that wasn’t involved in this bust up needs to step up.

Hope you’re okay.

Thank you. I am actually away this coming weekend with friends so it will be a much-welcomed break.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/06/2021 21:50

It sounds really unpleasant for you, and I agree he has behaved badly. I do wonder if the anxiety has 'spread' to other things apart from school, and this is hidden by just appearing to be a bolshie uncooperative teen about things.

A weekend away sounds like it would do the pair of you good. Enjoy it, it's hard being a single parent. I've been there

bigbaggyeyes · 22/06/2021 08:15

I read something recently that really struck a chord with me. It's that teenagers rarely say or do anything to be deliberately hurtful or nasty. I try and remember this when my dd is so thoughtless and selfish. Sounds like your ds simply 'didn't want to go', he probably had ideas of playing on his games console all day, so when you took that away from him he flipped.

I'd start to make him responsible for cancelling plans. Give him your phone to ring his Dad, again the same with his football coach. If he doesn't call then don't cancel for him. His football team will soon get annoyed at him for missing games. Although hard, you are buffering him from the results of his actions. With his opticians I'd make him book the appointment too. As for his dad, this is probably the only person id tip off, but might be worth him turning up for his ds and acting all disappointed when he has to tell him he's changed his mind

Karwomannghia · 22/06/2021 08:21

I think it’s fear of failure. He was worried his present wasn’t good enough, worried he’ll lose the match etc so backs out but does it aggressively because he’s a teenager.

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