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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Helping a friend in need

18 replies

blahblahblah321 · 17/06/2021 09:07

This is actually about 11/early 12 year olds, but I thought I'd post here as most who use the teen board will have been through that age already!

When your child was 11/12, and with a friend who had an accident (not major, but injured), what would your child have done? What would you expect them to do?

Yesterday DS had quite a dramatic accident on his bike, cycling from school. He broke the bike so it was unrideable and he hurt himself.
He was with several, long term friends, who did a mixture of cycle off immediately, laugh, or briefly ask if he was ok (he said he was hurt) then cycled off.
DS was about a mile from home. So pushed his bike home alone.

One child lied to his Mum - I messaged her to let her know DS wouldn't be cycling for the rest of the week so could she let her DS know (in case DS didn't!) - her reply was that was he ok, her DS said he didn't know DS had had an accident and they'd cycled all the way home together, the the accident must have happened as they said goodbye in our road.
That made me wonder if there was more to it (had there been a fight which caused the accident etc), but I did a bit of digging and I don't think there was. I'm guessing his friend didn't want to admit he left DS?.

So DS has been left a bit upset about it. Long story short, he tends to have a more grown up way about him generally (he's the eldest of the group) and is quite soft so is upset that he wouldn't have left his friends. He would have either walked home with them, or called me and I would have helped or called the child's parent (we are all friends).

We've had a chat about it. I understand DS's upset (obvs his ego took a battering anyway as he felt like a bit of a Wally falling off!), but I think it's an age thing about not helping, rather than his friends not being nice - I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt (they are nice boys!)

I explained to him that just because you would do something, it doesn't make some one unreasonable for not doing it too. However reiterated that I do like the fact he's kind and will always help people, as that's a nice thing to do.

So what would your child have done? Is it an age thing (not yet mature enough to think about others) or am I being a bit too nice giving them the benefit of the doubt. TBH I'm finding it tough thinking of them being unkind as they are DS's only group of friends

OP posts:

CatChant · 17/06/2021 09:16

Poor DS. How hurtful for him.

My DC would have stopped to help at that age but they are very empathetic. Too much for their own good at times. But I can see them having been the ones left to limp home in your DS's situation. In each case I can only think of one friend who would have been mature enough to stay with them.

I think it was probably not spite on your Ds's friends' part, so much as thoughtlessness, immaturity, bravado and not appreciating he'd had anything more than a bump.

I hope he's feeling better today.

SilentPanic · 17/06/2021 09:18

I wonder if they hadn't realised how bad it was?

Original poster

blahblahblah321 · 17/06/2021 09:25

I think he played it down a bit as he was embarrassed as he'd hurt his groin the worst!

OP posts:

WhoDidAndWhy · 17/06/2021 09:36

You’re being too generous to these ‘friends’. My children would not have left their friend behind and they have many friends I know would have waited for/looked after my child if it was my child hurt. Unfortunately they also have some friends I know would ride off and hardly glance back but we consider those people force acquaintances rather than friends, to be honest.

I would have told the parent that their child rode off. I wouldn’t have let that opportunity go.

I’m cranky on behalf of your DS.

I hope he recovers ok.

Original poster

blahblahblah321 · 17/06/2021 09:54

@WhoDidAndWhy

I would have told the parent that their child rode off. I wouldn’t have let that opportunity go.

I’m cranky on behalf of your DS.

I hope he recovers ok.

I know @WhoDidAndWhy

, I think I'm just desperate to give them the benefit of the doubt, because the other answer is that DS's only group of friends (of 9 years) aren't that nice after all.

I didn't correct the mum as such, but when she said her DS said it must have happened in our road after they'd said goodbye, I responded with where it happened, in the hope it would make her question her DS's dishonesty. There's been a couple of occasions over the years when there's been the odd grumble between the group, and she's particularly very defensive so I didn't want to rock the boat by saying actually he's not telling the truth. Although I'm due to see her next week, so if she says something I won't lie about it.

OP posts:

Cushionsnotpillows · 17/06/2021 10:40

A very similar situation happened in my DC group of boys at same age (end of P7 in Scotland so 11 heading for 12).

One friend stayed with injured child and covered him with his jacket. One ran back to school to try to find an adult. My DC phoned me, didn't get me as I was busy (phone on silent mode) so sprinted home to get me (I'm a health care person and have done first aid, have first aid kit in our car, so he thought I could help as we lived very close). They had recently done some first aid training in school so knew that calling for help was a good first step.

Luckily child was fine, mostly shock, and we helped him home, one carried injured boy's bag, my DC lugged his busted bike back while I and another boy helped injured boy to walk back and explained to parent what had happened.

DC asked me to ask his mum how he was doing the next day (as obviously he was off school to recover). And they were having fun taking the mick when he appeared in the playground two days later with some rather fabulous bruising.

Your DC friends do sound rather crap sorry. 11/12 is well old enough to have compassion and to care for good friends. Unless they really didn't realise how bad it was. But they should have checked if he was ok surely?

romdowa · 17/06/2021 10:42

That's so awful for your poor ds. I know at that age I definitely would have stayed with the friend but maybe groups of boys are a bit different

WhoDidAndWhy · 17/06/2021 11:11

You know OP (and I don’t want you to feel any worse about the situation) maybe it would help you and your DS to see his friends in a different light. They are his friends because presumably you live near each other and they go to school together. They are friends because of their circumstances. As adults we can choose our friends and actively decide who our people are and the treatment we expect and deserve. Maybe it’s ok to acknowledge to your DS that these kids did the wrong thing by him, he deserves better and one day he will be in a position to choose who his real good friends are. By accepting their behaviour and encouraging him to accept their behaviour you might be sending him a message that he would do differently but it’s ok if people don’t do right by him.

I hope I’m not making too big a thing of it and I don’t want you to feel bad but it’s worth considering it in a different light, possibly. Either way, you have to put it behind you anyway.

CamperVan79 · 17/06/2021 11:21

My DS would absolutely not leave his friends.. he would stay with them and call me or help them call someone.
Have experience of it the other side too as DS fell and badly hurt his ankle at the park. His friend stayed with him and helped get him home with his bike. He then got his mum to message and see if my son was ok..
I hope your ds is ok but I'd be quite cross with his so called mates and would be encouraging him to make other friends where he can

finallymightbehappening · 17/06/2021 11:33

Crap friends. Sorry op.

Original poster

blahblahblah321 · 17/06/2021 11:36

Thanks everyone, you've all pretty much confirmed what I feared.

We've been trying for a while to get DS to expand his wings and make new friends, esp now he's at a new school. He has, but they've just tagged themselves onto this same group! They've been together since nursery and fairly well been inseparable since but we've always felt it would be good for DS to gain more friends when he got to secondary school age.

OP posts:

SE13Mummy · 17/06/2021 13:00

I would hope that my Y7 DC would remain with their injured friend, help them get home or else call for help. When my DC injured themselves on the way home from school (tripped and smacked mouth on pavement causing a deep gash and lots of blood), their friends sorted water, tissues, carried their bag and walked home together.

That said, my Y11 DC has a lovely group of friends but two of them left the others to deal with a recent first aid situation in a park - it was the shock of the situation rather than because they aren't good friends and they are extremely sorry they didn't stay to help. I think it's unlikely they'll make the same mistake again as the friend ended up in hospital and they're all quite shaken by it.

Christmasfairy2020 · 20/06/2021 14:36

My y6 dd would have helped and took them home I know she would or called parents on phone. However they are y7 and maybe aren't close friends yet?

BackforGood · 20/06/2021 14:59

Mine would have stayed with him and walked back with him if he was okay to do that, or gone and fetched adult help if no phones, or phoned for help if they had phones.
(I'm not just guessing / hoping, they have stepped up in various situations over the years - including for people they don't actually know. This isn't just for a friend, thing it is a 'helping someone out when they need it' thing).
I can't believe anyone's friends would leave them in that situation. You are being far too generous.

Original poster

blahblahblah321 · 20/06/2021 15:05

@Christmasfairy2020

My y6 dd would have helped and took them home I know she would or called parents on phone. However they are y7 and maybe aren't close friends yet?

Apart from one of them, they've been friends since nursery

OP posts:

Original poster

blahblahblah321 · 20/06/2021 15:06

@BackforGood

Mine would have stayed with him and walked back with him if he was okay to do that, or gone and fetched adult help if no phones, or phoned for help if they had phones. (I'm not just guessing / hoping, they have stepped up in various situations over the years - including for people they don't actually know. This isn't just for a friend, thing it is a 'helping someone out when they need it' thing). I can't believe anyone's friends would leave them in that situation. You are being far too generous.

I know I'm being far too generous, but the alternative is believing they actually don't give a stuff about each other (or just DS maybe) which is pretty sad baring in mind they are one group of friends, the group has been inseparable for many years. So I was ever hopeful it would be an age thing..

OP posts:

Lindy2 · 20/06/2021 15:27

They're old enough to have known how to get help. I expect they all had phones so at least one of them could have phoned you or another adult to let them know your DS had had an accident.

Even if they didn't all stay he should not have been left all alone with a broken bike and an injury 1 mile from home.

Your poor DS. He has every right to feel let down.

Christmasfairy2020 · 21/06/2021 20:17

Do I asked my dd whose y6 and 11. What she would do.
She said ring friend parents or grandparents. Failing that she would leave the broken bike where it was and bring the friend home before asking said friends mum for a lift home

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