14yo how much privacy (texts etc)

[ValerieMorghulis]

Is it undermining a 14yo’s privacy to look at their phone (texts, IG messages etc)?

We did say when the phone was bought and then again when IG was loaded that we would, but that was a bit ago and I am honestly not sure what is the best thing to do. I am getting a whiff of some concerning stuff but have nothing to base it on other than private messages so don’t know whether this would be a huge area of distrust. Y9, if that makes any difference.

What do others do re private chat-type things at this age - monitor or not? Get involved or just give general advice re online safety and sensible use (the school are quite good at this and we have always talked openly at home about it but it looks like it’s all changed)?

I don’t have a 14 year old yet, so hard to say but I think I’d do this…
Check messages, if it’s just their friends I know, I wouldn’t read them, if it’s people I don’t know, I would check who they were and what the general conversation is. I think? Good luck

I've got two DS's aged 12 and 17.

By 14 I had stopped spot checking DS's phone, but we had an agreement that I could ask to check if I was worried about something - never happened

I still very occasionally check DS2's phone, but again only really if I've got a hint that there is something wrong - I tend to forget generally

If you think something not right I would check.
I have an 18 year old and 16 year old never check theirs

Ds12 just started snap chat this week haven't looked at his yet

Thank you - it’s helpful to hear what others are doing.

By way of full disclosure - I have looked at IG messages but they don’t know about this. It’s whether I raise this issue (which is a bit borderline but not something I’m happy with) and then it’s completely obvious I’ve done it; I had previously warned that I would but I bet they don’t remember/didn’t believe I actually would.

It’s difficult also because other kids are obviously in the chat and it’s their privacy as well!

Absolutely yes. Spot checks if there's a valid reason for it, yes, absolutely, we saw off some very scary shit by doing exactly that. We also insisted we follow her on IG etc, which showed up a few occasions where we needed to dig deeper & hack her messages because of drug references etc.

I would say what some others have said- make it clear that the device has to be made available if you want to do a spot check but generally by 14 make sure they know online safety and trust.
I’ve just been through this today sadly. We are having major red flags with our 16 year old DD and my DH ended up desperately resorting to checking her messages via her laptop. It was only concerning one person she’d been messaging and were glad we did- it threw up some frightening safeguarding issues and we ended up having a crisis meeting with a mental health professional. We’ve never felt the need to check in years but we both had an instinct something was very wrong.
I’m now worried we’ve done the wrong thing but where safety might be an issue we were just being parents I guess.
I have friends who regularly check their child’s devices and it has backfired in another way with behaviors being driven ‘underground’ and the child leaving home as soon as they could and not looking back. There’s no easy answer IMO.
Good luck and trust your own parenting instincts I guess.

You can get software which will flag inappropriate words to you, swear words, bullying, drugs, sexual etc. If you put this on their phone then that takes some of the pressure off. However, my nephew has it on his phone and it regularly alerts his parents to some awful words that his 13 year old friends send. They don't seem to think twice about it!

14 year old is a child. I recommend Bark to keep your child safe.
You are the parent, your rules

There was a poster last week who had no clue that her 14 year old daughter was sending nudes until the school contacted her.

When I was 14, it was expected within my friend group that our chats would be private and go unchecked, and if they were they'd be hidden. We weren't talking about anything bad, we just wanted to play it safe and wanted to make sure what we were doing was private.

I saw only check if you notice any major concerning changes. Day to day, checks aren't needed and can damage privacy and their reputation with their friends (i.e. being excluded from chats).

I admit I never policed my children's 'phones or internet usage. Things are probably different now, mine are nearly thirty three and thirty so a while ago since they were teenagers. I had absolutely no privacy when growing up so respected theirs.

Sexting and the like was less common then.

They were and are OK.

I suppose I might feel differently now.

I have, on occasion, checked my DD's phone. I am glad I did, because there was some concerning things on there that worried me, and I was able to talk it over with her, before things got too bad. If you are suspicious that something seems wrong, it is good to trust your instincts and check the phone

following as I need some advice re: my own DD (13). We check her phone but strongly suspect she is deleting messages before we are able to check her phone so that it looks like she's not talking to anyone at all - how is that even possible for any teenager not to talk to anyone on social media? She has the apps but no messages? yeah right.

We have good reasons to want to check her messages so if anyone has any tips for finding messages she's deleted and/or how to get into messages in apps I'm not familiar with like discord, I'd appreciate it.

I don't know all her passwords either and she claims to not remember them either.

YeDancer - Its dodgy as hell when there "are no messages"! That's the thing, my DD had no idea when the phone spot-check was coming up, so obviously forgot to delete anything untoward.
I don't really have any advice on how (or if?) you can find deleted messages, you can find deleted photos on a phone though.

Maybe a quick google search can bring up some advice depending on which app?

When a message is deleted, it's deleted. Discord, Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook don't provide ways to recover messages, and if you contact them as a parent they would not respond if she's over 13 the account is hers and hers only (she has the same rights to data protection as us). Not much you can do sadly.

If you use the app called Safe Lagoon it keep screenshots of all activity on the phone. You tube, WhatsApp, messenger, everything

We recently found concerning messages on my son’s phone, he is 14.
They were between him and a girl who he hasn’t met. There were sexting messages, which we have spoken to him about.
But she was threatening suicide, saying she had cancer, telling him he was mean, not wanting to talk to him then she loves him. There was not one normal bit of conversation.
She seemed the dominant one and he was like the little lapdog. I know myself what it’s like to be in a relationship where they are the dominant one and take away your personality and I don’t want him becoming the same just because he is desperate for a girlfriend.
We don’t check his phone often if we just see friends names, it’s only because we saw her name pop up and didn’t recognise it.
My parents never checked my phone, and in a way I wish they did or knew what was going on because my adult life could have been different.