Is it me ? Am I paranoid ?

[Sunshineandbirdsong]

Quick profile of 16 yo dad. Adhd unmedicated. Dropped out of 6th form over lock down. Been taking it easy since January eventually got a job in may as a restaurant runner then quit after 7 shifts as too hard. Lots of new friends and out every night till 11. Often just tells me she’s sleeping at ?? House. No clue who they are. Does no chores and no washing of her own clothes but wants me to leave her to it. Sleeps till 11 watches you tube goes out again. Daily.
Got her linked in with youth employment service as she’s not proactive.
Stinks of weed when home and recently had a whitey( puked on doorstep) after a night on weed and possibly alcohol. We were really calm about it.
We just cant parent her. We need her to communicate with us but she calls us suffocating . She’s hanging out with a level students who are now off for summer as well eat the rest do she sees summer as her play time.
Had major bust up last night as she came home last night at 8 pm then told us she’s out again and staying at ??
Called me passive aggressive as I walked away in a huff. Just treating this house like a hotel. I didn’t say anything she accused me of slamming doors !!!! I walked away to stay away as she was looking to fight. She then smashed her bedroom up. Called a friend sobbing and left.
My husband has a chronic MH issue needs to sleep by about 10 pm so being out every night means one of us staying up to check she’s safe.
She just doesn’t understand 7 days a week is hard for us. She never eats what we offer her she cooks her own food then leaves us her washing up.
Sorry for the jumbled mess of a text but I feel it’s all so messy.

How does she find her lifestyle?

Fund. Not find!

Prior to having a job it wasn't quite as bad as this but she got paid for the work she did and I think it's nearly all gone.
We don't pay her pocket money as she refused to help around the house. Not refused just didn't do. She will only attempt her own room if someone comes to see her which is rare .

What's so heart breaking is my husbands MH will flare up when anxious and last night was so stressful he's now in an episode . So here we are again . He's bad and she's clueless as to how what she does affects us.

I don’t understand your title. How does your DD’s behaviour link to paranoia?

What do you do or say when she says she’s staying at x’s house? Or when you can smell weed?

Sorry I'm not making much sense .
Also not Dad I meant daughter.

When I smell weed I say I can smell weed on you it's very strong she will say she's been around friends who are smoking

She has shared phone numbers of where she is staying and when we try to reach her they aren't parents numbers they are teenagers . When we say why did you give us a false number she will say it's not her fault if friend gave wrong number.
So it's all making us question what's correct

Sounds tough, OP but risky and erratic behaviour is so common in untreated ADHD. It sounds like she is struggling to regulate her behaviour and emotions. Is she unwilling to take medication?

Your daughter's behaviour sounds like a typical teenager. She is going to find it very hard to modify her behaviour to protect her father's mental health because at that age they are naturally selfish. I can imagine her feeling that she doesn't want to miss out on any fun, because she is not responsible for him.

The only thing you can do as parents is calmly set clear boundaries and expect them to be followed "imperfectly". At 16 it's not unreasonable to expect addresses and phone numbers of the parents of places she stays. She will be angry at the suggestion, but you can calmly state the expectation.

Expecting her to work whilst all her friends are partying seems unreasonable. Could you agree in a future date when she will look for work?

Offer lifts to places. This is your chance to try and listen to her and maintain your bond. Try and note which houses she goes to.

Try and establish a dialogue with one of her friends or one of their parents. In an emergency you will have someone to assist you. I recommend you read a parenting book called "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town".

I do understand wanting to be free from us .
She has not introduced us to any of her new friends I get an address and phone numbers of parents I will only call if I can't reach her. I called once it was a teens number . The next place she stays the dad doesn't have a phone so I have her friends number . This type of behaviour makes us paronoid.
I have no idea if she is where she says she is.
Dad and I are frazzled.
She won't talk to us or even come home today.

@CanIGetaRefund

Your daughter's behaviour sounds like a typical teenager. She is going to find it very hard to modify her behaviour to protect her father's mental health because at that age they are naturally selfish. I can imagine her feeling that she doesn't want to miss out on any fun, because she is not responsible for him.

The only thing you can do as parents is calmly set clear boundaries and expect them to be followed "imperfectly". At 16 it's not unreasonable to expect addresses and phone numbers of the parents of places she stays. She will be angry at the suggestion, but you can calmly state the expectation.

Expecting her to work whilst all her friends are partying seems unreasonable. Could you agree in a future date when she will look for work?

Offer lifts to places. This is your chance to try and listen to her and maintain your bond. Try and note which houses she goes to.

Try and establish a dialogue with one of her friends or one of their parents. In an emergency you will have someone to assist you. I recommend you read a parenting book called "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town".

Sorry, this is absolutely NOT typical teenage behaviour. She is totally out of control, using illegal drugs which are putting her in contact with criminals, and supporting child slave Labour - sorry if you feel this is the least of your worries, but I’m on the other end of this, trying to reassemble trafficked children saved from slavery in the cannabis industry into functioning humans,and it is horrific

What do you think is going to happen if you don’t step in and take control. Where do you think she will be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years?

you need to put a stop to this NOW

She’s only 16, you need to come down much more firmly with her. Frankly I can’t believe what you’re letting her away with. The crux of the matter is that she has ADHD and is unmedicated. Why? IMO this is an impossible disability to treat without medication. You really need to step up here.
And yes, this is in no way typical teenage behaviour.

I suppose this is the trouble with seeking help on forums there’s so much to write.
My daughter was medicated . Cash stopped her meds as her weight dropped so low that they would not prescribe. That was a stimulant medication but no. Stimulants have the same issues no medication is a fix. Also they increase anxiety which she suffers from.
So right now getting her back to a weight they are happy with there will be no meds

0None0 - I was going to say too this is not typical teenager behaviour. My 15 yr old is really trying his luck in a lot of ways right now where he was extremely quiet, friendly, funny... right now he’s driving me nuts! Don’t know what 16 is going to bring but if now is anything to go by I’m not looking forward to it. You really need to stick to your guns at this stage, the whole couldn’t xAre less about anybody impression is the worst feeling for me as we’ve had a lot happen to our family in the past year and it’s like he just couldn’t care less. However he has his own issues behind some of that too but anyway this isn’t about us - lay your ground rules and stick firm. She’ll likely hate you for it right now but that won’t last forever. She’ll be better for it in the long run xx

I found this book very helpful. She is telling you very clearly she still needs parenting

Sorry didn't attach, I found it very readable and relatable.

I have a daughter the same age, and have also worked with teenagers previously. I agree that this is not typical teenage behaviour.

I think your real problem is the unmedicated adhd. It's very tricky if she can't take her medication. Why is her weight so low - is it possible that she has an eating disorder of some sort? You mentioned that she'll only eat food that she has cooked herself. Is she trying to increase her weight so that she can go back on her medication or is she resisting it?

It sounds like a really tough situation, especially on top of your DH's existing mental health issues.

Agree with posters saying this is not typical teenage behaviour.

The untreated ADHD is probably a huge factor here.

I also wonder if your husband is the only one with MH issues. That is, I think you may be in denial about whether your dd is suffering - with depression, with inability to control her behaviour.

It's very tough - ideally, you'd go to the GP and try and access some sort of therapy - for her ADHD, for helping her with possible depression/anxiety/self-awareness for modifying her behaviour and helping her to control her own self.

I wonder if fear is at the bottom of this - she doesn't know how to look after herself and is frightened/ashamed - and self-medicating with weed.

You probably have had enough on your plate with your DH and her adhd for years - and you now find this overwhelming.

Maybe family therapy?

You all sound as though you need support - and hope. Hope that things will improve and that you can all cope with what is clearly a demanding situation,

In a way, it doesn't matter where that 'hope' comes from (your dd getting and keeping a job/therapy/a supportive member from your wider family) but I suspect you need it,

Therapy/counselling might be the easiest and cheapest thing to access. Either for you or your dd.

@AlexaShutUp
Stimulants, which are used to treat adhd, can cause significant weight loss so weight needs to be monitored closely. Sounds like they are waiting for her weight to increase before restarting them, however with adhd and hectic lifestyle she may be forgetting to eat properly.

She does duffer with her MH but has been better of late. Camhs know of her anxiety but as not harming or suicidal no help. Waiting list.
We tried private but she doesn’t like to talk.
Yes I am overwhelmed.
She has no urge to eat. She eats but it’s friends before food. She will bolt food as late for this and that .
It’s complex.
My husband is in therapy and I’ve reached out to a youth coach therapist to help me help her.
But she’s still not home and another day goes by.

@Sunshineandbirdsong there is a non-stimulant medication for ADHD which we have found to be extremely effective. It's called Intuniv, and can actually cause some weight gain. It doesn't impact on anxiety levels either. Ask whoever is dealing with your dd's ADHD about it.

That's brilliant our next review is July. I will look into it. The weight gain could be a real bonus. Thank you.
She's still not home...