Teenage daughter advice

[gemalou04]

My daughter is 15 and we can't seem to get through to her,with summer holidays fast approaching I'm dreading 6 weeks with her at home.
So she doesn't know how to have fun,her only hobbies is reading,tv and her phone,she only has one friend from school and they just handle out together in a park she doesn't like going swimming,riding a bike,going bowling or anything you'd expect a teenager to be doing,I wish she was a typical teenager where she was out having fun with her friends and building memories that way I could relate to her as I was a typical teenager and I know my youngest will be when she gets to that age,she doesn't help around the house at all unless she's being paid for it,she moan if we say we are going on a family walk,she doesn't include herself in family conversations or activities she refuses to do anything remotely fun we say she's like an old person that just wants to stay at home all the time,I've tried to encourage her to do after school clubs sports activities,she won't,I've said she can have sleepovers friends over for tea I've said to her to try and build new friendships at school she won't as she keeps saying it's cringy! I just really fear her leaving school and not being able to communicate with people like at college or work,she never ever sees it from our point of view abd we only say things like build new friendships because we care and want her to grow up looking back at the memories she made when she was younger

My daughter is a bit like this but she suffers from low mood. She is 15 but has left school already as she's one of the youngest in the year. I was asking her "do you want to come golf" etc
Now I just tell her "oh we are going swimming or golf" etc
But she does have a younger sister too and I don't want the younger sister to miss out just because the 15 year old is moody.
She really suffered in lockdown so I've put it down to that, also typical teenage hormones and emotions.

I think you have an odd idea about what most teenagers are doing! Most are not out swimming or bowling. They are on their phones, games consoles or out hanging around with their friends. This might not be to your taste but this is what the vast majority of teens do in my experience.

Other than not have interests you want her to have, what does she do that's so difficult to live with?

I'm coming up with
*doesn't help around the house at all unless she's being paid for it,
*moans if we say we are going on a family walk,
*doesn't include herself in family conversations or activities
*refuses to do anything remotely fun

tbh, in the league tables of difficult teenagers, she barely gets one star based on that list.

You say you wish she was a typical teenager, and then go on to describe...a typical teenager.

Stop worrying about making memories, start getting on with you own life and enjoy the freedom.

@cansu

I think you have an odd idea about what most teenagers are doing! Most are not out swimming or bowling. They are on their phones, games consoles or out hanging around with their friends. This might not be to your taste but this is what the vast majority of teens do in my experience.

Ok the bowling,swimming was just examples she doesn't seem to do anything at all for fun,she goes to a park that teenagers don't seem to hang out in and she says because she doesn't want to bump into anyone she knows,she just doesn't have fun at all and I do see groups of teenagers in parks,our bowling alley,pier,fun fairs,town and the beach

Any local opportunities for a part-time summer job?

Do you think she’s happy?

If you think she’s depressed that’s a whole different thing altogether but otherwise she doesn’t seem that different to my dd or the 0000s of other teens out there.

One friend to hang about with, addicted to her phone and unwilling to do much else sounds very normal to me!!

Hanging around a park was the main thing we did as teenagers. Nothing changes!

@lljkk

Other than not have interests you want her to have, what does she do that's so difficult to live with?

I'm coming up with
*doesn't help around the house at all unless she's being paid for it,
*moans if we say we are going on a family walk,
*doesn't include herself in family conversations or activities
*refuses to do anything remotely fun

tbh, in the league tables of difficult teenagers, she barely gets one star based on that list.

Ok she tells me on a daily basis she hates me and that we're a toxic family,she's horrible to her younger sister,when she's at home she starts arguments with me all the time following me around the house,I've gone into my room and shut the bedroom door she kicks the door until I open it,she throws things and put dents in her wall from it (newly plastered and decorated I may add) she puts me down and says I haven't done anything with my life and asks what I've achieved,she says we don't love her yet we include her in everything,we go on nice family holidays every year and just moans about every aspect of the holiday from where we are eating to what we are doing,she is going to be 16 very soon and is incredibly immature and very rude!

It seems she's at an age where covid could have effected her desire to leave the house or meet new people. I know staying at home feels the norm to me now, maybe she just can't get her head around living differently to how the last 18 months have been

She sounds perfectly normal to me OP.

Sounds like a normal teen to me.

Does she get exercise?
Does she eat sensibly?
You'll have to switch off to the nastiness. I think I would (try) and insist she take up one hobby- hopefully running or tennis or similar, or maybe learn chess - anything - you don't enjoy doing things you're crap at - if she could do something well she could socialise through it.

This was me as a teen- I much preferred the company of adults to other teens and I had two close friends who were similar. The spent our days On my friend’s family farm playing in the fields and just chatting. We were happy and I do have fond memories of these times but I certainly wasn’t sociable. Luckily my parents supported me and didn’t think I was strange- think they were grateful that I wasn’t out causing mayhem! I did become more sociable as I did my a levels and then uni.
I’d stop putting pressure on her to be someone she isn’t- as long as she’s happy and not depressed I can’t see anything wrong with her choices. Maybe some of the tension between you and your relationship could be due to her not feeling accepted for who she is.

Ah, update makes more sense. Hitting a good 3 stars for teen horribleness, after all.

Some people go zero tolerance in response. Or authoritarian. Those parents can speak for selves.

I go "minimal engagement" in response. Being horrid must not get them any payoff: no emotions from me, no appeasement, simple factual observations of their horribleness & asking them if they think that was reasonable behaviour. "If you don't like your sister then stay away from her".to make them take responsibility for sibling rows. Must make Simple amends where appropriate: if they break something, they pay for it. I try to avoid getting angry or "punishment". Those things don't help.

Mine are allowed whatever opinions they want about me & my life and aren't required to love me. Moaning is generally ok as long as they understand the moan is their problem, not mine -- I could seriously say "Put a sock in it" if the moaning was just broken record. But they aren't allowed to be abusive "I don't spend time telling you off for being yourself, why do you think it's ok to harangue at me just because you don't like me?" is kind of thing I'd say if they started nasty tirade. I've banned DC from any talking if the only words out of their mouths are ugly ones.

Holidays... tricky. Much negotiated & agreed in advance where & what activity will happen, roughly. Once there, basically, they can stay in hotel all day & they understand when we go hotel-room-all-day is their default activity if they don't fancy what else is planned or possible.

But... beware. They can go from horrid to cuddly to horrid in 10 minutes with no explanation. Try to enjoy the unexpected good moments even if they might be horrid again in 5 minutes.

Your second post paints a totally different picture. In fact almost sounds like a different teenager. Teen 1 should be left to get along with her life, teen 2 probably needs the same tbh, but being rude to me and telling me they hated me would have retributions.

She sounds totally normal and teens are absolutely not going bowling hahahaha