Phones

[rainydogday]

I have DS 12 and DD 14. I am the bad guy in the house as have always said no phones at night. My DH is not very good at backing me up and probably won't care if they had them all night. It is the source of all our family arguments. Doesn't help that DH is constantly on his too. Our recent holiday was me nagging people to get off their phones and get ready so we could go out. They would literally sit in the holiday cottage all doing that all day if they could. They loved it when out. Went surfing etc. I am just exhausted with it. But in my heart know that they need a break from the gadgets and constant stream of Snapchat messages. My DD 14 says that I can't believe you are sending me to bed at 8.30pm! I am not but just say put phones down (week day). They can watch tv or read etc. But say they don't want to. Any advise? Sometimes the phone useage is 5-8 hours 😳 feeling a bit crap.

Can you get DH on your side a bit more? Sounds like he's not backing you up at all.

My dd age 11 Is on hers til 930 in week and 1030 weekend. However she reads on watpadd alot so I don't mind. Just let them crack on

5-8 hours is insane! Put a parental control app on their phones, you can limit the maximum screen time for each day of the week and block the phones at night, in addition to block inappropriate stuff. Experts recommends no more than 2 hours a day, considering it includes every screen, even 1h a day on phone could be enough. And it should be blocked at least one hour before bedtime. You can set a maximum time also individually for each app, like half an hour for snapchat.
We use Family link and Safe lagoon for android, for apple devices there's a built in parental control, Family sharing if I remember correctly. Install that, then all the problem will be solved, no discussions, no need to tell them to put the phone down endless times.

I need to look at the app again. The trouble is when they are 14 they are so much better than me understanding the phones than me! My DD just deleted it the last time! Think we do have a block on what they can access but guess that is only in the house WiFi . 5 hours is the worst probably, maybe on rainy day. But from what I hear from friends this isn't unusual- sadly

@rainydogday Yes, I know, teens are much more tech savvy than moms, my oldest bypassed the parental control too just after she got her first phone so I spent a lot of time looking for a more reliable solution and, unfortunately for her, I figured it out. I don't know much about apple phones but for android phones to make bypassing totally impossible, you need to block the phone's settings and the parental control must be a device admin app without the battery saving option. If you need help to do that drop me a message and I'll take a look to what I've done on my DDs phones step by step.
Sadly teens spending an insane amount of hours on their phones is a common thing but it's so wrong.

Firstly - what you are suggesting is completely fair and reasonable. Your children's phones are a privilege not a right. They may have the phone but you pay for them - and they wouldn't be able to use them if you didn't.

You are absolutely within your rights to limit usage. You are the parent - you set the rules. There are lots of reasons why children and teens need to be off their gadgets (as well as adults).

Your children will naturally say things like "well other kids get their phones at night etc etc) - kids would rather engage you in arguing than actually do the thing you are asking them to do.

Have a clear set of house rules - including about mobile phones. Stick them on the fridge so that everyone knows what they are. Set the expectation - when it comes time to turn their gadgets in (and I mean giving them to you not just switching them off) - set consequences for not doing as they're told.

If they won't give you their phones at the time you set, then there needs to be a natural consequence (not a punishment) - i.e. for every minute you refuse to give me your phone you lose an hour of phone time tomorrow etc. Be consistent. Don't engage in arguments.

DH needs to be on board. I would have a conversation with him about your worries about mobile phone usage. If he can't agree with you then at least he should respect you enough for you to give it a try. Maybe say to him - let's give this a try for a week and see how it works. Lay out exactly what you want to do and ask him to follow it.

There's a website called empowering parents and James Lehman who offer excellent advice about how to deal with exactly this kind of situation.

Good luck - it's a thankless task being a parent isn't it?

A lot of the social stuff is done of an evening and I think by forbidding it after 8.30 you're setting them up for a lot of anxiety and the dreaded FOMO which is pretty much the worst feeling in the world for teens.

If they've had a say of real life stuff - the surfing and outdoors stuff you've mentioned then I think it's a bit harsh to stop them socialising of an evening. We dont see it as sociable and see it as the opposite but for teens these days that's exactly what it is and it's important to them

DS15 is scrolling Instagram (not friends as such), watching you tube or playing games so we have a 9pm phone downstairs rule. Can watch TV after that if he wants. He's not missing out socially atm but will need to monitor that as we go along. On a non school night it's not limited though phones downstairs at bedtime. He would be completely boundary-less himself so, though he moans, we insist. He does admit he doesn't know how to control himself though and it has affected his homework/revision as he keeps flicking onto videos etc, which he also readily admits. We're trying to steer a middle path and hoping he will learn his own boundaries. Hate phones. Stick to your guns OP.

Yeah my dd is fairly self regulating when it comes to knowing she's been on too long or removing toxic "friends" from stuff so I guess if there are concerns around that then it's a bit trickier.

Perhaps it's a case of focussing on limiting the time then they pick when they go on. She's active in other ways during the day then of an evening catches up with friends on her phone if she's not out. If I said no phones after 8 or whatever she'd miss out on a lot socially. If OP's children are feeling that's the problem then maybe a length of time rule but autonomy over when and how they use that time would make them more likely to comply