Questioning my own boundaries, opinions pls

[MozzchopsThirty]

Can you please tell me if I'm too hard, too soft or just right

Me & exh always stick together where the dcs are concerned. We won't allow playing one off against the other etc

Last week my exh found a vape in ds1 (16) pocket and was not amused. I've been a bit more chilled about it thinking about the things I did when I was 16
He's not allowed to do it at home or at my DPs house.

This weekend I allowed him to have 2 friends over, have a few drinks, bbq and sleep over.
He ended up shaving his head (think Tommy Shelby), and I was not amused but thought it'll grow back and it's not the worst thing he could've done at home alone with mates overnight

Anyway tonight his father has gone crazy about the hair, said he will never get a job, he's not welcome over his house etc. I just eye rolled a bit but then DS told his father to shut up and he didn't care what he thought

I told him off, he can't spk to his father like that and have cancelled our shopping trip together tomorrow as punishment (we were having a day together outlet shopping & lunch)

Am I doing the right thing?

Quite honestly I think it's OK to tell someone who is telling you you will never get a job and you aren't welcome in their home to shut up. I'd want them to shut up if they were saying that to me. Especially over something like my own hair.

What was he supposed to do?

Be a bit more respectful to his father
I wouldn't want him to say shut up to me

The not welcome comment came after he told him to shut up, that was due to his father saying he would 100% not get a job now with his ridiculous hair

I wouldn’t have cancelled the shopping trip. Its up to his Dad to decide how he wishes to ‘punish’ him. You are right to tell him off for being disrespectful but I think his Dad needs to respect the fact that he is growing up and can make some of his own decisions now.

I agree with Inastus

It's great that you have been able to present a united front for so long but you can discuss the way he speaks to people with him, without cancelling the nice day you had planned. Doing things like that with him keep the communication channels open.

It really isn't unusual for teen boys and their Dads to clash though - it is about finding their place, and I always think it is like there only being one male lion in the pride sort of 'jostling'. Teens do make daft decisions. It won't ruin their life chances. Your exh needs to remember that and try and control his responses to your ds pushing boundaries too. (But a LOT of men find that a difficult adjustment to make, IME).

My ex likes everything his own way, and is very controlling, hence the divorce

I've just spoken to DS, he doesn't seem that arsed about tomorrow tbf but he said he's sick of his dad telling him what to do and treat him like a child

I do talk more to him as an adult

Bump for the morning crew
Didn't sleep well thinking about all this

A united front only lasts so long because as they get older the things teenagers do often have bigger consequences. I think it is normal and good to have different tolerance levels and boundaries.

I think we all have things that are totally unacceptable abd our children need to understand what these are. We are still responsible for them. Your ex is simply being controlling, its important that your DS knows what his views are but he needs to say why and deliver it in a calm manner. If you involve your DS in the convetsation he will learn to think things through and start to see consequences. For example is he allowed that haircut at school?

Lastly be careful with being too relaxed/matey, teenagers need a parent with boundaries. I want my DCs to care about what I think.

Teenagers often lash out in the heat of the moment, and regret it. As they're growing they'll get an increased capacity for anger (the 'red mist') and they're not used to handling it. It's more acute in boys because of testosterone. If the lad is generally sensible the best course of action is probably a discussion about how they should have handled the situation when they've calmed down.

He is a really good kid, plans to go on to a levels in sept

He's lazy and sleeps a lot and his father hates that.
He knows he has to get a summer job because he can't do this all summer.

I don't think I'm trying to be matey but I am picking my battles, if I'd come home to vomit on my carpet, drug use or the neighbours complaining I would've been fuming, but a dodgy haircut I can shrug off

I agree with PP that the punishment for the comment to his dad should have come from his dad not you.

Can you tell him you've had a rethink and let the shopping trip go ahead? If my 16 year old son was still keen to go anywhere with me I'd make sure nothing came between our time together.

You sound like a great mum. It's great that you have a relationship with your son where you can talk so openly and he wants to spend time with you. It sounds like you can talk to him calmly about stuff and get your point across without judging.

I'd take him out for the day as planned and use it as an opportunity to talk about how to tell his dad to back off in a way without resorting to insults (although to be honest I don't think it's that bad to tell his dad to shut up). I'd also want to talk to him about how his extreme haircut could have consequences. For example he could be excluded from school.

I've got teenage nephews who do silly things and shaved their heads during lockdown 'for something to do'. It grew back very quickly and there's been no desire for them to do it again.

If he was trying to get a summer job his dad might have a point, depending on what sort of job he was planning to get.

Has he done anything yet in trying to get a job?

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn if my ex took DS somewhere as a treat after he'd been rude to me I'd be fuming.
I'm not rewarding poor behaviour

He's applied for one job so I've told him he needs to get on it this week

Your son might be motivated to find a job so he can prove his Dad wrong 😈

It is frustrating when kids do things which seem unnecessarily to risk progression. Looking like a skinhead may prejudice some employers against giving him a go.
I felt the same when my DD got a large visible tattoo when doing an apprenticeship for a job that explicitly said no visible tattoos in its dress code...
At least hair grows back and it's only a summer job your DS is looking for.

Ime concentrate on your relationship with ds. Leave ex to manage his. Or your ds will resent being ganged up on!!
At 16 he can shave his head should he wish.
My exh screwed his relationship up with our dc...
Wasn't up to me to intervene..

I think lockdown has resulted in weird hairdos and colours for teens almost becoming the norm. The shaved head in itself wouldn't worry me.

I would be more concerned about the fact that there was drink involved and that he may not have considered the results of his actions (or those of his drunk mates?) fully before doing it.

I would have had strong words about the way he had spoken to his Dad but wouldn't have punished for it - that is down to his Dad.

Surely a 16 year old can choose their own hair style. I certainly wouldn't have consulted my parents at that age.

I have 7 dc over 16....
Parent ds how you choose.
Would you have always agreed should you have stayed married to ex or are you making a point of supporting him? - at the expense of your relationship with ds imo.

For me the hairstyle wouldn’t be such as issue (a silly thing to do but it will grow back), but the drinking and the vaping would be.

Think it’s a massive punishment for what he said to his dad, after all dad was being an idiot.

Not sure why shaved hair is a big issue with a young lad...it grows fast.