DD16 attitude behaviour dreading the long summer

[HazyDaisy123456]

I wasn’t sure whether to post here or elsewhere. DD16 just finished year 11 may go onto 6th form depending on GCSE results.

Behaviour at school always ok but she was quiet. Her attitude especially towards me is absolutely appalling this worsened during lockdown (grandparent died, she has dyslexia) and she became over whelmed with schoolwork which we tried to help with but she would have none of it and insisted on working in her messy bedroom in fleecy dressing gown PJ’s and without opening the blinds windows all day/everyday rarely going out of the house, she is a non meat eater and her diet is very limited/restrictive think chocolate, crisps and beige food).

Looking online she does show some autistic traits and I am worried about her diet or maybe a hormonal imbalance or is hangry due to diet but she outright refuses to eat better, speak to the GP or see a counsellor. I have tried being nice to her tried being strict but nothing works and its like walking on eggshells all the time. I will try and put the rest as a list rather than an essay;

Addresses me by my christian name
Shouts and swears at us often
Angers quickly and sounds frustrated (won’t talk to us or speak about her feelings)
Bedroom complete tip
Irregular periods
Is jealous of brother a school year older
Wears warm clothes i.e. fleece dressing gown on top of her clothes in the house this weekend during a heatwave.
Obsesses over her BF she maybe a lesbian
No interest in clothes, appearance, skincare
We have evening meal as family at the table but she won’t eat what we eat and now leaves quickly as soon as she has finished eating often leaves a lot and complains about the food.

Spends most of her time in her dark messy bedroom never tidies up leaves dirty towels, underwear and washing on floor.

She hates and refuses all affection if one of us accidentally brushes her arm and even goes mad and pulls a contorted face and or gets angry if I smile or even look in her direction.

Her life seems to be on hold with her living for meet ups with her BF (possible GF) which can vary between twice a week to once a fortnight. She isn’t interested in anything else. She was bullied in year 8 and we found out about some low level bullying from an extended group of friends she sits with at school on a lunch time fairly recently. I thought she might be happier finishing school but this doesn’t seem to be the case.

I know I’ll never get my lovely happy cuddly little girl back again but would just like to help her live a happier life and in turn have a happier household. I dread to think what will happen if BF/GF is no longer interested in her.

Any advice.

Any worries about anorexia?
(covering her body, not eating, irregular periods)

I’m following as interested in any tips strategies for similar!

She sounds full on depressed. I'd set out some house rules and give her OPTIONS she either goes to the GP with you or a Counselor, but make sure you say and agree that you will leave the appointment room so she is free to talk in privacy. A strong sharp word about being considerate to you both wouldn't harm m, again present as a choice, if she's good then rewards, if not then something of hers is taken away, she's still a child and if she's going to continue acting like one she can definitely be treated as one.

If she is depressed would harsh sanctions like confiscating her electronics and stopping her seeing her BF not be more harmful and isolating? But this is all she is bothered about so the only punishment that would work. I don’t think anorexia or bulimia but possibly ARFID www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/types/arfid
Yes, thats how I feel @OhThoseBubbles re; her age and worried where it will end. But as I have mentioned poss autism to DH and we know about recent bullying issue and some very unkind things were wrote on her school shirt last week. DH wants us to go softly at home in the hope she sees sense and comes round. Also if she isn’t interested in counselling it won’t work and is so hard to obtain on the NHS and so costly to go private. Also the only way I could get her to see anyone would be to take her there against her will.

Unfortunately she isn’t close to any family members either as DH’s live away and mine have never really made much effort or shown much interest in my DC preferring to throw everything at first born niece who lives 5 walk away from them whereas we live a 10 minute drive away.

Sounds just like my DS (including the history) I just assumed that all teenagers were the same!

Eating disorder? My DD's personality changed completely when hers took hold. Lots of self isolation. If she feels cold and swathes herself in layers that's another possible sign.
Restrictive eating too
EDs take many forms and aren't as simple as bulemia/anorexia. Disordered eating is often a better term, or restricted.
I'm

I took her to see the GP two to three years ago which she really wasn’t happy about as her periods were so random lasting a fortnight then fortnightly two or three times then nothing for six months etc.

What would happen if you told her you were going to give her bedroom a good going over and tidy and clean it? I know it doesn't address the other issues but mentally, it's far nicer to be in clear, clean and calming surroundings

My youngest is 14 and his room is immaculate because I flit in and out cleaning as I see fit - I don't like the thought of food festering or dirty underwear on the floor. Mind you, he's used to it as is my eldest ... it's a room in my house and I expect it to be kept clean.

She does sound at the extreme end for a teen but potentially still within the norms with some of what you describe

TBF we have tried all manner of approaches with her bedroom. When she has been out I have spent several half days absolutely gutting her room and talking to her about how I would like the bed made and clothes picked up off the floor as an absolute minimum etc. She goes berserk that I have been in there and by the morning she gets up late clothes and towels are chucked all over the floor etc. Its so demoralising and depressing. When she was at school DH was doing a basic 10 minute tidy a couple of times a week but no proper cleaning.

Anyone else any advise on how to parent our daughter who has some autistic traits has had a difficult year with lockdown (I have been shielding and WFH so we have followed the rules more strictly than many), worries about GCSE’s volume of school work and assessments, death of a grandparent, bullying even from within friendship group, possible gender identity, who has alienated herself from ourselves her family, who is refusing to see a GP, counsellor and is refusing to acknowledge any issue/issues. Thanks

Consistent approach is best calling you by your first name? If its not what you want tell her calmly each time shouting and screaming at you step out of the room please or lower your tone i dont listen when you shout speak to me in a proper tone please etc calm and consistent walk away if you need to give her clear boundaries and rules if she is autistic the upheaval of the last 18 months followed by school finishing must be awful for her

Yes you can contact the doctors for advice speak to them yourself first see what they suggest

With her room minimum standards apply you must do xyz or I will ie wet towels dirty clothing out bedding changed weekly again calmly give her clean bedding weekly ask for the dirty so you can wash it again this is minimum if she refuses tantrums etc walk away give her 24 hours and do it yourself remind her that her privacy will be respected if she does the minimum

Could she be depressed/self harming? I just wonder as she’s covering herself up. Sending hugs x

Thanks she doesn’t often speak to us or initiate a conversation and mostly her shouty sweary responses are in response to her frustration at a question or a request to do something simple like please can you put your crisp packet in the bin or put your plate in the dishwasher. She really only speaks when spoken to most of the time. Her responses are usually a moody grumpy one word answer ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘fine’, ‘it’s fine’, ‘ok’, ‘go away’, ‘shut up’ and or swearing its rare she answers or responds in a sentence or with more than one of these responses.

Thanks @Snoris I have wondered both those things her arms and legs are ok I haven’t seen her torso. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was depressed and or stressed. All that interests her is her phone, IT gadgets, best friend, chocolate and cheese crisps. She used to be obsessed with dogs and our dogs but that has been replaced by her BF.

People will give you very soppy answers here, but you have to be a parent, not a friend.

Think of how schools manage disrespectful pupils and follow their example.

She is a member of your household while she is under your roof and has to obey house rules. Respect is the baseline, not a target. And, when she cannot manage it, she loses money and electronics. So, decide what you expect and tell her-maybe one warning, and then follow though with the sanction.

I would also, anyway, take electronics away at night until there is a consistent improvement in her behaviour, poor sleep may be a contributor.

And don’t worry about ‘losing her’, which many on here will talk about. She needs to win your affection, not the other way around.

Would you still go that nuclear knowing she is possibly autistic or feeling very isolated and depressed @TheReluctantPhoenix? I have taken all gadgets off her in the past for short periods (and insist her phone stays downstairs after 10.30pm) but now she is so strong, angry and determined prising these off her will involve a massive argument, a struggle and a probably a fight so I also need DH onboard and actively involved and his attitude/approach is for a quiet life and hope that she will eventually come round.

As he had an awkward sister who refused to listen to her parents and it didn’t matter what they did or said and she ended up tangled up with some low life for almost 20 years before she finally came to her senses but she is lovely now.

@HazyDaisy123456,

If she were diagnosed autistic, I would then seek professional help and follow the advice given.

Also, I am not suggesting ‘going nuclear’, just enforcing boundaries firmly and consistently.

I wouldn't remove any tech or gadgets. Purely because you then end up with a teen who has - literally - nothing left to lose. This makes behaviour worse

Thanks both @TheReluctantPhoenix as per original post she hasn’t been diagnosed anything as she won’t hear of going to a GP. But I am worried about it due to some of her behaviours; doesn’t like been touched, avoids eye contact, difficulty with a two way conversation, obsession with BF, since year 6/7 she has been an outsider in terms of friendships, gender identity poss lesbian, not interested in anything apart from best friend, tech & chocolate let alone things most teenagers are into.

Yes she may be even worse without tech.

She is ok as long as I don’t speak to her or ask her to do anything which surely isn’t right. DH says ignore her and let her come round.

How does she respond to your husband

She is not brilliant but is better with him than me. He is very laid back, easy going and she will accept a joke from him. Also he is less wound up by her and less affected by her as I work part time so do most of the household tasks.

Also if she leaves crockery, snack papers and crumbs lying around the living room or her bedroom and a pile of wet towels and dirty clothes on her bedroom floor, forgets to flush the toilet, leaves dirty underwear in the bathroom, brushes the dog and leaves piles of dog hair on the carpet, makes a mess in the kitchen baking or making a snack it bothers me much more than him and creates extra work for me every day. I ask her nicely to please put x in the bin or in the recycling etc and she then shouts and snaps and either ignores me or makes a half baked job of it.

Oh my gosh this sounds exactly like my 17 dd i came on here to try and get advice as well
So many things are the same as yours
I have stopped the money each month that she used to get for washing up each night and cleaning her room
She refuses to do either
Now she has no netflix and no spotify, doesn't seem to care
Doesn't want new clothes
Depressed, manipulative.. every day is a struggle
Dark room, dark winter clothes, hates the sun, but can be truly lovely sometimes.

Sorry can't help, but I know what you are going through. It's demoralising

He needs to tell her then or clean up after her himself its unfair you take the brunt of it and he gets to say ignore it

Yes, she doesn’t want new clothes either. She is tall and slim (but not too slim) and hasn’t grown much in height since about year 8 and her jeans and awful cheap joggers she got for a Camping trip 3 years ago still fit just but look shabby. She has no interest in new clothes or fashion, doesn’t want to look for anything in person even with her BF doesn't want to order anything online and refuses to even try on anything we have ordered. She also doesn’t receive pocket money.

Yes I have started saying to DH X has left Y laying about again I have asked her to pick it up and as you don’t want me to start arguments and I’m sick of picking up after her you will either have to ask her to do it or you do it. So this is having an issue effect on our relationship as well.

She wants to meet up with BF on Sat so have said to DH shall we make it a condition that if she wants to do this she strips her bed and picks her clothes off her bedroom floor and apologies for swearing at me and insulting me in a calm conversation yesterday (hardly a big ask, but she never ever apologises these days). DH wasn’t keen because he thinks she’ll kick off. I said we have tried things your way for nearly a year and things haven’t got any better.