Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

boundaries and rules?

23 replies

snsmith1727 · 30/05/2021 07:47

DD is turning 14. We need boundaries and rules for dating, parties, drinking ect? what age and limits did everyone have at this point 😅

OP posts:

BraveGoldie · 30/05/2021 07:54

I have a dd approaching this stage so listening with interest....

FireworksAndSparklers · 30/05/2021 07:55

How about talk to your teen and work it out together? You'll get far more cooperation of you explain why you want some ground rules to start from and ask him what he thinks it's reasonable. Start out working together and life will be much easier, I assure you!

LFQuery · 30/05/2021 08:16

I have three kids all around that age. We haven’t set boundaries for dating and drinking... I guess there would be boundaries for parties in that they’d need to be home by a certain time, collected by us if it was far etc.

Just turning 14 I think your drinking boundary is “no drinking” surely? I’m all for a bit of underage drinking but 13 turning 14 we’re not encouraging it at all. As for dating, no specific boundaries except have some self respect. Again if they’re just turning 14 are they going to be doing much more than a bit of kissing? Maybe I am naive. Even if they are doing more you just reiterate that they need to be in a relationship and not just going round doing anything with anyone and everyone. Obviously you’ve already had a talk about being able to say no.

WeAllHaveWings · 30/05/2021 09:03

Just turning 14? The rule for drinking was a firm no. 14 is way too young to start drinking.

Dating never came up. Parties, arrangements for each one was discussed individually.

Christmasfairy2020 · 30/05/2021 09:35

So y8 ?
No drinking and I'd explain how boys can take advantage etc or why it makes you vulnerable. Host the parties yourself as you can control them. Bit young for dating

MyGoMargot · 30/05/2021 09:41

I think it depends on the individual concerned. Some 14yr olds are more savvy and reliable than others

I said no to drinking at 14. Too young (not that it stopped them, they just knew I didn’t condone it and that there would be some consequences if I found out they had)

But most decisions and situations were discussed and talked through on a case by case basis

MyGoMargot · 30/05/2021 09:43

Oh and open, ongoing dialogue about things such as sex, consent, effects (positive and negative) of drugs and alcohol

LemonRoses · 30/05/2021 09:47

Fourteen?
Yes once you’ve finished your schoolwork I’ll drop you to Emma’s to go to the cinema. I’ll pick you up at 9pm.

Yes, I’ll pick you up at six, but can you have a shower and make sure your wetsuit is rinsed.

You look nice sweetheart. Text me fifteen minutes before you finish your meal, so you aren’t hanging around for me at night in a skirt that shows off your beautiful legs for maximum impact.

WeAllHaveWings · 30/05/2021 09:54

And "parties" that were a big group of teens hanging about a beach/park drinking alcohol were a big fat no.

Original poster

snsmith1727 · 30/05/2021 10:31

Shes year 9, and although i agree with dating, she has told me there are lots of ‘couples’ in her year

OP posts:

LFQuery · 30/05/2021 10:47

I don’t have a problem with dating. But it’s generally innocent dating for most at 13/14 so she just needs to be aware of not being pressurised into anything or doing stuff just to look cool.

LynetteScavo · 30/05/2021 11:18

No drink, no drugs at that age.

None of mine were "dating" at that age, but DS and his best friend were "adopted"by two girls in their year much to their fear and amusement. It didn't last long. I would be discouraging it as much as possible, but obviously very subtly, as teens love to do the opposite of what you approve of.

Any party before end of GCSEs, we collected by 11pm at the latest.

Life 360 app has been very useful with DD. Also what three words app, very useful when collecting boys who can't describe where they are .

If they don't come out of the party immediately when we arrive to collect at the agreed time, they won't be going to the next party.

BertieBotts · 30/05/2021 22:29

There is a brilliant book called Raising Human Beings, which sets out a framework for discussing absolutely any topic with teens in a way that holds the boundary/expectation you're setting, but respects their autonomy and personhood as well, so you're less likely to get kickback about it. And helps them get practice at working out things for themselves. Would def recommend it.

malificent7 · 30/05/2021 23:40

Imo boundaries are important but teens will push hard against them and lie. So regarding booze i don't buy dd vodka as she requested but I will let her have a glass of red wine like they do in France to demystify it.
I let her go and hang out with other big groups of teens because I want her to have freedom and a normal life even tho I know some of them will bring booze etc and dd is very honest with me. I try to educate her to make her own decisions under peer pressure.
I have a curfew and i let her make her own mistakes. So...she tried vaping but got scared shitless when her mate told the school and she got her bag searched.
Believe me...my dad being the strictest dad in the world did not stop me from drinking, smoking and shagging boys.
Dd tells me a lot and definately not everything but acknowledging their natural desire to rebel and forge threir own life is helpful.
I wont let her have boys over to stay the night even tho they are her closest friends as it might give the wrong message but they can come for tea.

Iamsodone · 31/05/2021 15:49

I would just add parental behaviour and leading by example will also go a long way

nicknamehelp · 31/05/2021 16:06

I try not to have too many boundaries as the more you have the more they break. If they are going our they know its polite as even us adults do to say where u are going and time coming home and if plans change to contact us to let us know.
Drinking is discussed and only what we provide is to be drunk.
They know my views on drugs but I also know teenagers especially older ones may experiment.
Relationships happen again we discuss what is appropriate and expected behaviour.

MoiraNotRuby · 31/05/2021 16:17

My 14 yo DD is allowed to drink when she is with us, but hasn't asked to go drinking with friends iyswim. She can date any boy/girl she wants to but hasn't mentioned any yet. I am not encouraging her to do any of this, but also not forbidding it either.

The rule is pretty much 'treat other people how you'd like to be treated yourself '. Plus, if you get in trouble, you can call me regardless.

My 16yo has just begun drinking with friends in parks and him and his friends know to look out for each other etc. Its quite hard giving them freedom... but I know a lot more about my teens lives than my strict parents did about mine at that age.

Ask me again in 5 years time and I will tell you if this was the right approach or a disaster!!!!

LynetteScavo · 01/06/2021 10:30

I agree with @malificent7

Teens need boundaries so they feel safe. Yes, they'll push against them, but if they're not there they won't have that security of knowing what is and isn't this side of the line.

Mary8076 · 02/06/2021 19:38

@LynetteScavo

I agree with *@malificent7*

Teens need boundaries so they feel safe. Yes, they'll push against them, but if they're not there they won't have that security of knowing what is and isn't this side of the line.

I totally agree. I believe in talking, explaining, open communication and showing endless love ...along with clear rules, boundaries, rewards and consequences. There's need of both the sides.

motogogo · 02/06/2021 19:58

Drinking - not unless a specific event like a wedding so young, needs adult supervision. Dating - discourage one on one dating and only in public places so young, certainly no overnights, we relaxed as dd approached 16. Parties - always insist on knowing where they are, I always picked up

Hoppinggreen · 02/06/2021 20:01

No alcohol, no drugs, no boys in your room, no going to boys houses unless I know them/their mother and know we have similar rules.

ladygracie · 02/06/2021 20:03

My 17 year old has just started going out and is delighted that he doesn’t have a curfew and can never have one because his older sister didn’t have one so it wouldn’t be fair! So maybe try not to end up in that situation! 😬😬

tukanada · 03/06/2021 21:50

As well as boundaries, let them know that no mater what time of day or night, if they want picking up you will go and get them.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread