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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just caught my DD 13 on Discord sending explicit pictures of herself to some man!

24 replies

Littlek0406 · 26/05/2021 00:52

Please help, I feel physically sick, just caught my DD 13 sending explicit messages, pictures & videos to some man in India on Discord.

I made sure she deleted the account, which she isn’t allowed anyway so she lied too me.

Ten days ago she cuts herself with a blade from a sharper, so I rang CAMHS, who fob me off by passing my case to YPAS.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, I’m feel useless Sad

OP posts:
Owlina · 26/05/2021 01:11

I did this at around the same age, although I didn't get caught, I admitted it after the man kept harassing me. I deleted the chatroom account and blocked him from MSN.

I used to really like being looked at sexually by older men. It's like I wanted to be victimised? I don't know why. But then, I also had severe mental health issues that turned out to be BPD.

I don't really know what to suggest as I've never been the parent in this situation, just the child.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 26/05/2021 01:14

Go back and remove her phone. Tomorrow, buy her a brick phone.

You're going to have to go private for counselling, because you cant wait for the NHS and you cant handle this on your own. She's 13. You should have been checking her phone regularly so would have seen this stuff before.

Original poster
Littlek0406 · 26/05/2021 01:26

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen I do check her phone every night but she’s been deleting the app.
My twin recently passed away, we all lived, she’s was closer to my twin then she is with me, she’s had grief counselling.
I’m so worried about her

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlek0406 · 26/05/2021 01:31

@Owlina sorry for asking what age were diagnosed with BPD?

OP posts:
Owlina · 26/05/2021 02:00

At 16 they said Emerging BPD
You can't be diagnosed until 18, and I had to go to adult services from CAMHS
Prior to 16 they were treating me for anorexia, self harm, anxiety, depression... But they seemed to have agreed I didn't fit into depression and anxiety, but unfortunately diagnosis of BPD isn't given to teens to accommodate the fact that teens can be a rollercoaster and then settle down when older.

Owlina · 26/05/2021 02:02

You should have been checking her phone regularly so would have seen this stuff before.

Most kids know how to delete things they don't want their parents to see from their history or messages etc. You don't even have to wipe the whole history, as that's look suspicious, but just certain websites from the history so it still looks normal. Even in text convos or Facebook messenger and WhatsApp you can often delete individual messages in the conversation without deleting the whole thing. Photos can be stored in hidden folders... There are many ways a child can hide their activity without it being obvious that's what they are doing.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 26/05/2021 07:42

There's also a thing called family link on android phones and similar on android. With that, they cant download apps without you giving permission (no way around it) and you can monitor what they're doing/how long they're doing it for.

At 13, there is nothing they shops be doing that you cant see so no reason not to still have that link on their phone. Especially with the number of kids doing stuff like this earlier and earlier.

Original poster
Littlek0406 · 26/05/2021 08:15

@Owlina @Librariesmakeshhhhappen
Thank you both Flowers
Right plan for today get daughter some help with a counsellor & get that family link.

OP posts:
Tal45 · 26/05/2021 08:47

You could try speaking to her school and see if they can put anything in place for her too, they may have a counsellor she can speak to there. Lots and lots of time and love as well, so hopefully she doesn't go looking for attention elsewhere. Make sure you look after yourself in all this as well, you have had a lot to cope with and might benefit from counselling as well. Sorry for the loss of your twin. x

Spring2021 · 26/05/2021 10:14

Don’t blame yourself OP. Once most kids go to secondary school they are devious have various insta accounts and various separate chats set up.

For now going forward look after yourself and protect your DD she is likely to resent you for this and will try to look for ways around this.

Take care flowers 💐 🍷 🍫

Original poster
Littlek0406 · 26/05/2021 13:02

Update - spoke with a counsellor, who is going her next week. Police are coming tonight to seize her laptop & mobile.

@Owlina @Spring2021
@Librariesmakeshhhhappen @Tal45
Thank you all

OP posts:
Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 26/05/2021 13:21

Oh that's good. I really didnt think the police would bother as the man was in India.

They should treat your daughter as a victim here, and there are officers specially trained to talk to her and help keep her safe in future.

Spring2021 · 26/05/2021 13:25

Take care OP.

ihavethehighground · 26/05/2021 18:45

Install Safe Lagoon. This will show you content of all pictures/messages /videos on every app. You can block any app that you don't want the child to use.
She is very vulnerable !

ihavethehighground · 28/05/2021 17:09

Hope you ok OP?

itsjustlowhangingfruit · 01/06/2021 08:08

My DD is on discord but I don't understand it or know how to see what she's doing. Can anyone talk me through it? I think she's either deleted or most likely hidden the app because I told her to remove all chat apps as I was worried about some of her friendships. How do I bring the app back and how to I see her posts and messages?

hiimjackie · 01/06/2021 11:44

@itsjustlowhangingfruit

My DD is on discord but I don't understand it or know how to see what she's doing. Can anyone talk me through it? I think she's either deleted or most likely hidden the app because I told her to remove all chat apps as I was worried about some of her friendships. How do I bring the app back and how to I see her posts and messages?
It was originally a chat for gamers, to find teammates etc. Now it's evolved to have topics and servers (ran by anyone, but the biggest servers are ran by companies or professional community managers backed by companies), unfortunately the fact anyone can start and promote a server there's a few bad apples, but mostly servers are harmless and just general talking about the topic
Mary8076 · 02/06/2021 19:12

@ihavethehighground @Littlek0406 I use both FamilyLink and SafeLagoon with the screen mirroring option, a perfect mix, I can not recommend it enough, not only in troublesome circumstances but for every teen just to avoid these situations. Family Link is good and free, SafeLagoon is not free but it adds more protection and control, it blocks the phone settings too (essential to avoid bypassing) and it's the only one to give you the possibility to see just everything they do on their phone.

Isidore · 02/06/2021 20:52

I use both FamilyLink and SafeLagoon with the screen mirroring option, a perfect mix, I can not recommend it enough.

At what age would you think it is reasonable to not use something like SafeLagoon?

Cleanmean · 02/06/2021 21:00

Sorry you are going through this. A friend went through similar with her 11 year old dd. We found she was in a group chat with what were clearly older men talking very sexually. My friends dd didn't seem get any of the sexual innuendo and said she'd been invited to the discord chat from tik tok. We reported to discord but they were absolutely useless, my friend deleted the account. Thankfully her dd didn't send many messages and zero photos but it's shocking how much grooming was going on. Discord has become a magnet for paedos and there needs to be stricter controls of young people accessing it. Some of the messages on the group chat were truly horrific and appalling.

Mary8076 · 02/06/2021 21:19

@Isidore 18? It depends on the child's maturity, attitudes, trust, her/his past. IMO as a general rule until there's clear evidence that there's no more need of it. I would keep it in the older teen years just as a deterrent, a preventive and safe tool, as a parent I would not use it everyday or even often to "spy" on my DDs phones, screen time too will be set to what is clearly an unreasonable amount for a teen but still it depends on how the teen can handle it.

Rno3gfr · 02/06/2021 21:35

Please start by getting rid of her phone!

hiimjackie · 08/06/2021 08:00

[quote Mary8076]@Isidore 18? It depends on the child's maturity, attitudes, trust, her/his past. IMO as a general rule until there's clear evidence that there's no more need of it. I would keep it in the older teen years just as a deterrent, a preventive and safe tool, as a parent I would not use it everyday or even often to "spy" on my DDs phones, screen time too will be set to what is clearly an unreasonable amount for a teen but still it depends on how the teen can handle it.[/quote]
I'd say 15 at a push, I don't use these but I can't imagine a 16 year old being tracked online nor do I wanna see what they're getting up to

copperpotsalot · 08/06/2021 08:12

I'd feel sick too, how horrible for you and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Firstly, don't take her phone away. Yes they cause problems but removing it could cause her to feel/be isolated. They're a part of life now and we need to encourage our kids to use them responsibly not take them away.

She's a victim here and as such it's not about punishment.

I'm glad the police are taking it seriously.

Keep on at camhs, the school can refer so communicate with them too. Next time (although we hope there isn't a next time!) she harms herself take her to A&E even if you don't feel it's truly necessary because camhs will have to get involved then as it's considered a crisis.

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