Holiday refusal.

[Si1883]

Hi all. My daughter is refusing to come on a family holiday that was part of a Xmas present from her grandparents. She’s been adamant about not going all the time since it was announced at Christmas. Question is, I know it’s going to be a bit pop as they have booked nothing and when I looked on line, everything of interest is full. I’m happy to duck out as it’s not my parents and I’ve got plenty of work to do. As I’m self employed I have to take it whilst it’s there.

My daughter has come up with the excuse that she’s got yr10 end of year tests the week after half term and she wants revise for them. Now part of me I like, yeah, I’ll stay home and you’ll stay in revising for the 3 days that everyone else is in London. Am I right to do this? Or should we force her to come with us where she will, for sure, wreck the whole 3 days without a care in the world! My view is that I’ll get my wife & 2 sons to go who will enjoy it loads and I’ll deal with my daughter at home? Thoughts?

As a side note, she’s an extreme teen, that lies for fun and is really quite rude. Whereas the other two are totally different. His knows how we’ve managed to make her so badly behaved and not very nice.

If she's year 10 is she 14/15?

Say to her you know if you don’t go you literally have to stay in and revise, no going out with friends etc. She may change her mind

Tell her she can sit in the hotel and revise. She doesn't get to ruin everyone else's fun just because she's 14/15 going on 40.

Yeah. 15 going 30. Really stressed about yr10 assessments but also suffering from HUGE mood swings. We’ve asked for her to be assessed for Bi-Polar as she goes utterly down hill but then 30 minutes later turns normal to almost too happy! Still should be so horrible to her mum tho.

She’s happy to sit in and revise. Not bothered at all.

Well age 15 it would have been sensible to involve her before booking a holiday. if you're not bothered about going then definitely just stay home with her, it's a tricky age for family holidays ( DM to DS 15).

For the sake of everyone else I wouldn’t make her go. There’s no point all of you having a rotten time when potentially three could enjoy it.
I think 14/15 is about the worst age for moodiness, and if she’s worried about exams and generally out of sorts, it will be grim.
Insist on revising at home though. The two of you might actually have some nice bonding time if it’s just you two.

If your ok to be at home with her then I would say it’s fine!

(Also mum to a 15y DS. They’ve been through the mill with school - I’m not surprised she’s anxious)

I would allow her to stay home and revise. It’s pretty admirable that she wants to work hard for her exams. Moody teens are pretty normal and it’s been a tough 15 months for them.

How does your wife feel about staying in London with your other two children?

My wife is really struggling with my daughter. Daughter always aim all criticism at my wife who can sometimes turn in to a bit of a child too in the heat of the moment. I don’t she’s overly bothered - I’ll get a bit is shit for taking a side - I can’t win can I!? But that will soon pass. We’ve been together 20 years this year and that’s far to much to throw away over a moody teen. I think the biggest issue is that my wife’s parents paid for it so they feel a little disappointed that she doesn’t want to be with them. I honestly can see it being great as when I looked everything is booked up due to rule of 6 etc. I’ll be offering to stay home as I can always work from home that weekend and then take the wife and boys out the following week for a day trip - daughter can tag along if she’s wants then. Hopefully that will be a good halfway house.

I'm 35 and have one set of grandparents still alive. They are becoming increasingly less mobile. I'm really greatful for all of the holidays and days out we had together. It's really quite self involved of her to not wnat to go when they've booked it as a gift. Sounds like there's already quite a lot of that behaviour anyway so do you really need more?

So much in your OP to pick apart I don’t know where to begin

* She’s 15 and wants to go to places with her mates in that are not acceptable ie hours away on a school night. She’s a manipulative little cow that lies all the time. It always ends up with me feeling guilty and walking on eggs shells with everyone else in the house.*

You posted this recently
And a wealth of other disturbing stuff
Op - the issue is much bigger than a holiday

It sounds like you actually want to avoid the trip yourself so you are using your daughter as an excuse to stay home.

I think you and your wife need a plan. You need boundaries for your daughter (sensible ones, taking into account her age) and you need to back each other up - not take sides.

Both of you need to behave like the adults you are around her, use humour as much as you can to give her a way out when she's being stubborn and just talk to her. Tell her you understand. If you think the trip will be boring too, tell her (providing you are not undermining your wife). Keep the big picture in mind. What are you trying to achieve. It's not always about 'winning', it's about teaching your child how to grow into an adult that can integrate with society and respect others.

It’ll do your wife good to get away and have a good time with the other kids if both her and DD struggle to get on atm.
I wouldn’t say your taking a side your staying at home to take care of DD.
The day trip out after sounds great, I hope your DD wants to go with you.
You sound a lovely dad trying your best for all of them!

Not denying that. But we had moved on. The mood swings had stopped, she has seen a counsellor and things had calmed down. But I guess the underlying issues never went away. She’s been good on the truth front mainly - ie nothing more sinister than a small teenage lie - I’m 10 minutes away when it’s clearly 30! My original post about the situation was done in the heat of the moment. I could have deleted it I suppose? We are all human. I’m just trying to her and her mum through the next 24 months. That make thing such easier then. Also need to protect the two boys who are being absolute gems at the moment and whenever the fighting kicks off. I feel really bad for them.

* she’s an extreme teen, that lies for fun and is really quite rude.*
This is in your OP, posted this afternoon

For goodness sake lay off her. She is under enormous pressure, and you are being extremely difficult.

Be kind, be supportive, stop shouting at her and support her studies. Help her, sit with her - be a parent.

Where are your priorities? Booking a holiday just before her mocks was a stupid idea, and shows how far removed you have become from her life.

We have been through a pandemic and two full lockdowns. Look after her.

Thanks everyone. If there is one thing I like about this place it’s the wide-ranging comments. Great to have people see the situation from all sides.
I have plenty to consider. One thing is certain tho, I will be staying home with my daughter and see if I can get a better understanding of what’s going on in her head. There will be plenty of time for us all to go to London Town in later life. Who knows, perhaps my daughter will be taking me and my wife as a treat!
I shall now sit down with a cold beer watch the rugby on TV.

I hope your wife has a nice break away with the other DC.

My dd also has mocks after the half term.

No way would l expect her to come in family days out. She’s stressed to death about them and wants to revise.

Thanks. It’s just a little unfortunate that her Gran booked it without knowing. If I was more on the ball I’d have pointed it out to her.