Teenage Daughter

[Mumofteen16]

Help! My Daughter 16 has started to go to friends houses in Saturday nights, getting home around 2.00am, and sometimes bringing friends back to sleep without asking! 😫.....
Her attitude and actions are so out of character....breaks my heart....what is a sensible time for 16/17 yr olds to be home????
Don't want to handle it wrong and she shares a taxi with other girls to get home so wouldn't want her travelling home alone....what's the answer????

My dd will be 16 in a couple of weeks. She isn't going to people's houses at the moment because of covid, but when things do open up again, the expectation will be that we know where she is at all times, and that, if she is going to be at someone's house until late, then we will pick her up. She wouldn't bring people back to our house without checking first. Thankfully, all of her friends are quite sensible.

What strikes me about your post is that you said your dd's behaviour is out of character for her. That would concern me. Is she hanging out with a different crowd from usual? New boyfriend? Could she be worried about something?

It is difficult to try to get the balance right with older teenagers, but I would be talking to her about safety and asking her to at least stay in touch with you at all times. If she is out until 2am, I'm guessing that means that you're having to stay up worrying about her - would she care about that if you pointed it out? What's your relationship with her like generally?

Is she safety conscious? Is she staying in touch? Are they coming hole in groups so as to stay safe? I'd rather have DD bring a friend gone so they're together rather than come alone that late at night.

Is she keeping up with her school work? Is this behaviour affecting her leading a normal, productive life? Are these friends a good influence?

It all depends on the answers to these questions as to whether or not you should be worried in my opinion.

Is she hanging round with a new crowd?
Is she drinking do you know?
How many people is she bringing to sleep? I wouldn’t mind if 1 or 2 long as she’s home and safe.
Does she talk to you openly?

We don't have a set time, but will assess each occasion. We always agree a time before she goes.

Time will depend on what she is doing, where she is going how she will get home and who she is with. Allow later times for one-off events eg concerts where travelling is greater. Earlier times if just hanging in the park etc.

Thankyou everyone for your comments, really appreciate it.
I do feel I may have overreacted, as my D is doing fine st school and generally the friends all seem like nice girls - I would just prefer it if she would ask before bringing people back.
I also feel that her Stepdad has overreacted which in turn wound me up and made me more annnoyed with her!
As you say, at least she's coming home safe - so maybe I need to give her some credit. It's probably my own fault that I paid for a bottle of vodka for her.....dont know what I was thinking😫.....
My Brother said his Daughter was 3 times worse at that age....just a shock to my system...

I take it your DD is your eldest/only child? Watching your child become an adult is disconcerting the first time you do it. My eldest still moans that her younger siblings “got away with murder” compared with her. And she’s right - I found her teenage years (especially 15-17) really challenging.
Your girl sounds fine, from what you’ve told us. She’s doing well at school, has nice friends, isn’t bringing randoms into your house.
The one thing I’d say is that maybe stepdad needs to leave the parenting to you? He’s just asking for the “you’re not my real dad” argument, and it’s pointless.
You say it’s all a “shock to the system”, and you’re right. It’s very weird when your darling baby grows up. It sounds like you’re doing a good job as a parent. Keep up the good work.

Sounds not too bad to me, I'm at the same stage and she's been ready for every step forward (drinking etc!) a good 6 months before I have.
I think ask her to stay in touch about what time Home and maybe set a time and also to check before bringing friends home (surely their parents are not delighted by impromptu stay overs either)

Does SD have children/teenagers of his own? I'd follow your gut with this one and not pay too much attention to handwringing from your husband. Although I do understand how hard it is when they start to fly the nest!

As long as she's leading a good life I don't think any of this is a huge cause for concern

Thankyou, really helpful....appreciate your advice and time.

NO SD has no children of his own, apart from raising his Stepson in a previous relationship, who he is in touch with but no longer sees.
I do sometimes find his opinions quite overbearing and strict 😫......and we always having constant arguments about parenting.....my friend says its a Man-thing? But I just think it's the way people are and their upbringing may affect how they think??

@Mumofteen16

NO SD has no children of his own, apart from raising his Stepson in a previous relationship, who he is in touch with but no longer sees. I do sometimes find his opinions quite overbearing and strict 😫......and we always having constant arguments about parenting.....my friend says its a Man-thing? But I just think it's the way people are and their upbringing may affect how they think??

It's a bit like before I had children and I said I'd never let them have dummies, I'd exclusively breast feed, would never let them have dessert if they hadn't eaten dinner... when the time comes you realise all your ideals go out the window. It's easy for your husband to have ideals about how he thinks your DD would be behaving but in reality we pick our battles. Your DD sounds great, don't ruin that by trying to enforce rules for the sake of it.

It's really up to you and what you're willing to tolerate.

I wouldn't be happy if my 16yo DD was bringing people back to the house in the middle of the night, she ought to be asking out of consideration for you and your husband.

Agree a weekend curfew - midnight in term time maybe and later by prior arrangement? And no guests without permission