13 & 12 year old don't really socialise... problem?

[Wargghhhh]

Hi I have 2 kids DD13 and DS12.

Neither child seems to spend any time talking to friends - DD spends a lot of time in her room on YouTube largely, DS tends to game (but doesn't even socialise doing that very often!).

Both kids go to clubs (drama, singing, scouts etc) so seem to have friends there, but again don't seem to want to socialise with them.

Both of them are happy to stay at home and not do very much!! I thought with the easing of lockdown they'd arrange to see friends etc, but I'm literally having to force them to do that - and quite often their friends make excuses anyway, or perhaps they're not given enough notice I don't know! I rarely hear them chatting to friends or arranging anything.

I'm not sure whether to worry or not! I'm very much an introvert myself, but as a kid I was always out and about - so now I'm stressing that this isn't normal for teens.

I don't want to force them to do stuff they don't want to do but then equally I don't really want them staying in their rooms all weekend. We've been out on a few family days - theme parks etc, but I'd like to see them out with their mates really!

Any thoughts?

Following this with interest. My DS is the same at age 12 and it makes me anxious. I tell myself not to be so daft becuase he's happy in himself and freely chats to me about anything/everything but part of me wishes he socialised more....even if just online

Same here! They just don't seem to be that bothered, both happy at school and doing well, happy to see friends and do activites when they're organised for them but won't make the effort themselves. I lived in my friends pockets at that age.

You don't hear them chatting but teenagers don't chat these days do they?

I mean, as a (quite old) millennial, I don't chat.

I message and interact on social media. I can't remember the last time I spoke to one on the phone.

Are they messaging friends?

How about pre-COVID, were they meeting friends more then?

Its very normal at their ages.

They have gone past the stage where parents arrange things for them, but are too young yet to be able to arrange things themselves.

I wouldn't worry - you say they are doing singing, drama, and scouts, as well as school of course.

I'm sure they are fine. None of mine went out at that age other than to their extra curricular activities.

My 12, almost 13 year old is the same. Will happily go to Guides, choir and swimming, but doesn’t contact her friends outside of school or activities at all.

I wouldn't worry about it. My dd didn't socialise that much at 12/13, but she is nearly 16 now and socialises loads!

They don't chat to friends much though, these days. It's all little voice messages.

my 14yo is a bit like this. She has friends as I see her walking from school with them, and she just declined to switch orchestra sectionals to a more convenient time as she has friends at her current session. However, she seems not to feel confident taking the lead, and making that extra approach to do stuff outside of that structure. I think she's a overly wary of rejection if she suggests something people don't want to do.

Part of me wonders if it's also a function of the mobile phone generation. Everyone's almost instantly accessible most of the time, so there's far less drive to arrange things in advance. She is also pretty introverted though, and TBH I can sometimes find socialising after a busy work day draining, so try not worry too much.

Thanks for all the replies, it's reassuring to know it's not just my kids and that I don't need to worry too much!

Well it's not unheard of, but actually most of the children round here are very active socially.

Ds2, year 7, plays football and does athletics and trampolining at school. They meet in the park and at friends houses now, they are very active in their WhatsApp groups and even more so on x box. He had a friend round for tea yesterday. 6 of them are meeting on Sunday to go to the bmx track,

I know of 6 other children, my good friends dd same age who is equally active.

My other friend her son knows my son from county football and their football teams regularly used to play eachother, he's on x box with his mates constantly, out riding their bikes.

Everyone I know, say 40 or 50 year 7's some are very quiet and just don't feel the need, but 3/4 are equally socially active.

I think it’s a personality thing. My Dd (17) is incredibly sociable, always has been and I hear her chatting to her friends on FaceTime all evening if she’s home. However she moved schools for sixth form and only now has she found friends with a similar social appetite to her. Her old school friends were more introverted and didn’t need to talk to friends all the time, they spent time studying/watching Netflix/exercising and just wouldn’t be online when she wanted to chat or do stuff . Dd had to make lots of friends from outside school to meet her social requirements!

I can think of a friend’s daughter (16) who’s very happy at home with her younger siblings and only sees friends very occasionally. She’s perfectly happy.

So if yours are happy and not feeling isolated or left out I wouldn’t worry. I’ve always been an introvert and I’m quite happy occupying myself. It’s actually a bonus especially in a pandemic! Dd, by contrast, starts to feel depressed if she’s at home for too long!

Probably sensible avoiding all the teen drama, especially amongst girls.

Ds 14 the same. He's never been out with friends, had a friend over or vice versa since he's been at secondary. He has mates in school though but just doesn't seem bothered about socialising....

Similar DD here at 12 though with only a couple of out of school activities. She is now 16 and with Covid those activities are reduced (one not happening at all as not safe, the other is partly online still). Unfortunately her choice of school means that her friends are scattered over wide area so can’t just hang out easily and everything has to be organised well in advance to get lifts etc and is quite a lot of hassle. But they now have three months off school and have started organising some dates to meet up. But she’s equally happy at home. DS14 would happily never go out anywhere and won’t do any out of school activities so only things he does are with us (under protest) so I worry about him more - related to his anxiety issues. So if I had DC who happily did activities such as clubs I would be delighted!

This makes me feel much better about my son!