How to cope with lazy teenage boys?

[Tashada]

MN Virgin, pls be kind!
I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this but I’m struggling to cope with my teenage boys aged 16 & 19. Split with XH 14 yrs ago as he attacked me & has had no interest/contact with boys since.
Eldest son has OCD & had to give up his job as it made him suicidal. He attempted OD 3 times.
Other son has struggled with school work and likely to fail his GCSEs.
I’ve tried my best to be a working single parent but they do not respect me & are lazy despite encouragement & we have endless discussions where they promise to help but do nothing.
I come home from work to a mess but they don’t care & won’t help.
Got to the stage where I feel so angry, I want them to just get jobs and leave. I’m at the end of my tether & don’t know what to do to make them help me.
I’ve tried sitting them down and explained how much bills cost, how much I need to work to pay everything and that it’s a struggle and I actually need the eldest to get a job and help with the bills as I can’t afford to buy us much food or petrol to get to work at the moment. I’m getting into debt.
My eldest won’t lift a finger and I’m sure uses his OCD as an excuse sometimes to be lazy as he refuses to touch anything.
My other son stays in his room all day and also refuses to help.
We now have daily arguments and I feel unable to cope. I’ve started to resent them and feel disappointed with them. I feel like a failure of a mother.
I’ve spoken to friends and they’ve told be to be firm which I’ve tried but they sneer at me and do nothing.
I feel like hitting them sometimes (I wouldn’t actually do that by the way)!
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks

Sorry that sounds very tough.

Quite a few things to unpick here. Park the mess (just for a moment). Your sons have been through a traumatic time. Theyve witnessed an abusive relationship, been abandoned by their father. One has mh problems and has felt suicidal, the other has an older brother who has attempted suicide and is failing at school. Oh and there's been a pandemic. So it's no wonder they are both in a terrible place mentally.

What treatment is your eldest receiving for his OCD and suicidal thoughts? That needs to be a priority. Have you thought about counselling for your youngest? Who is helping him cope with what he's going through? Are school supportive?

Regarding mess I suggest you do less for them (they can make their own food and do their own laundry for starters) and try the old "wifi off and now we clean" trick at evenings and weekends.

Money wise, if your eldest is too sick to work then he needs treatment and to engage with it. He may genuinely not be able to work right now. If so, he needs to claim benefits and contribute money to the housekeeping. Other than that a you can do is cut back on expenditure. No pocket money, no phone allowance. If they want those they'll need to find work and pay for them themselves.

Your eldest can claim ESA or PIP if they are too sick to work. Contact the citizens advice they will go through it with him/help him complete the form.

I'd also turn off the wifi until the place is tidy/jobs done