DS13 getting hard to deal with - how can I improve things?

[WonderOnTheUp]

I’m sorry if this is long. My DS13 (nearly 14) has been getting increasingly more challenging. He refuses to follow instructions, simple things like putting a mug in the dishwasher, forgetting face marks for school etc and it’s starting to feel like he’s doing things to deliberately annoy me.

Things have escalated- he has a new friend now and since returning to school after Easter he’s getting into repeated trouble - no effort to work, defiance, messing around in class and bad language.

I’m concerned and so is the school. He absolutely hates me, won’t talk to me unless he’s angry about something I’ve done or not done (if he doesn’t like the food I’ve bought even though they are things he’s eaten before, not letting him keep phone in room overnight). He’s started storming out, swearing at me and I’m really struggling to know how to handle it. I know I’ve made mistakes and shouted which isn’t really helping but I just don’t know where to turn.

He’s currently grounded (for poor behaviour and offensive comments in school) so when I got home from food shopping yesterday I found he’d drunk a can of cider. He says it’s my fault he did it as he’s bored.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like it’s just getting worse and I’m getting it wrong. His dad works away and isn’t much help with this. I just want to run away from it all.

If anyone has experienced similar and has any advice I’d be really grateful.

I'm really sorry your going through this I have a 14 year old D's who is really pushing his luck with me at the moment. He doesn't listen to me always has to have the last word has been rude and stupid in school always thinks he's right. What I have started doing is trying to ignore him when he is like that I have 3 other kids who I hate seeing this happen. We are always seen as the bad cops in all this..

I have been through similar with DD. You need to read a parenting teen book quickly!! He has suddenly hit the age where he is telling you that your authority no longer matters to him. You lay down a consequence and he'll do worse to demonstrate this no longer works.
You need to parent differently and guide not punish. He's pushing you away also so you need to keep the lines of communication open. Talk calmly about why things are changing for him. Listen to why he feels he is changing.

Thank you both for replying. I think you’re right about changing my approach and I’ve ordered a book so hoping I’ll have some new tips and gain some strength back to help us both navigate these teenage years

'How to listen so teens talk and talk so teens listen' is really good.

And ten days to a less defiant child book really helped me. Above all stay calm and try to show reaction as little as possible when he is being unpleasant

Thank you for the recommendations, I’ll look at both of these. For now I’m trying not to get rattled by the small things and aiming for calm, easier said than done but I am trying!

@Greylamp100

I have been through similar with DD. You need to read a parenting teen book quickly!! He has suddenly hit the age where he is telling you that your authority no longer matters to him. You lay down a consequence and he'll do worse to demonstrate this no longer works. You need to parent differently and guide not punish. He's pushing you away also so you need to keep the lines of communication open. Talk calmly about why things are changing for him. Listen to why he feels he is changing.

Please give us the gist of the book you read ☺️

Yes, definitely please share the main salient points.

I am going through similar bad behaviour from DD. Think her behaviour at school is ok from what I can gather and fingers crossed she gets into 6th form but her behaviour in the home, attitude towards me, lack of respect, not listening is terrible. She is also jealous of high achieving brother one year older!!!

She is 16, finishes year 11 next week think it will be a very long hard summer. Also just found out today (not from her) that she is also being bullied by some members of her friendship group. She won’t talk to us, won’t let us touch her and goes mad if we look at her. She spends almost every waking moment apart from when at school, when occasionally out with her best friend, at mealtimes in her bedroom. Her room is a tip and she leaves snack wrappers everywhere. Just doesn’t listen and goes mad if we ask her to put a crisp packet etc in the bin even though she walks past the bin without it.