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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Daughter's boyfriend

8 replies

schnizzle001 · 03/05/2021 18:58

I really would appreciate some feedback from mums on here.

My daughter met a lovely boy while she was in school. She'd struggled with school since she started, especially peer relationships and this lad brought her so much stability. She was like a different person. They were both 14 years old (now 17) when they met and sadly broke up at the start of lockdown last year. I was shocked. As was my daughter. It was completely out of the blue and he finished with her by text. She literally broke into a million pieces. It took a lot of time, love and reassurance to get her through the next few months.

In August last year she met another lovely lad and they were really good friends with the possibility of it growing into more though she's really apprehensive about starting another relationship.

A few weeks ago, her first boyfriend got back in touch. This was after almost a year and said he wanted to speak with her. They've now decided to give it another go and I'm so beyond upset. Firstly because he hurt her so badly that first time, and secondly because she's dropped her friend completely who's been there for her for the last few months. I really feel she's set herself back around 365 days.

She's invited the first boy up to the house and try as I might, I am really struggling to engage with him. I'm being civil but previously I treated him like a son but now I just feel angry. Angry that she's opening herself up to him again. Angry that she's now dropped someone who cared for her very deeply.

I fear that my relationship with the first boy is impossible to mend and at the same time I know her friend is absolutely heartbroken.

I feel so down about it all and worry I'm not being supportive but I really don't want her to go through that heartache again and I so wish she'd ignored the message when she got it.

It just feels frustratingly hopeless.

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 03/05/2021 19:17

I can imagine it is hard. However if you don't accept him they will go elsewhere and you won't see him. They like us make our own mistakes and learn from them xx

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 03/05/2021 19:20

She’s 17. You are massively over invested in a teenage relationship.

Orangebug · 03/05/2021 19:22

Ah OP I know it's hard. You want to stop them making mistakes. But you need to take a step back - you can't choose who she goes out with.

Watchingpaintdryagain · 03/05/2021 19:36

I think your daughter will gauge quite quickly if the first boyfriend is genuinely sorry for the split. It might have taken this time away from each other to help him decide.
On the other hand, either of them might realise that they have moved on and it's not the same.
Your daughter might realise that she prefers friend 2 after all.

Orangebug · 03/05/2021 19:40

I think that realistically it's not going to happen with friend 2, whatever happens with boyfriend 1. Surely if they've been getting close since last Aug and she's still not feeling it, they're in the friend zone now?

MustStopSnacking28 · 03/05/2021 19:44

I think you need to take a step back from her relationship as you are too invested in it. I understand in a way - when I was a teenager my mum was the same and couldn’t bear it if she thought I was being hurt or let down in any way, it was almost obsessive by her. I can see now it was because she cared about me so much but at the time I hated it and became much more secretive. I didn’t tell her much about what I was doing because I felt she was spying on my/living vicariously through me. So whilst I absolutely understand you want to protect your daughter, my advice would be to step back and be there for her if/when she asks you to be.

Atimetocry · 03/05/2021 19:57

Ah, I sympathise as the mother of a dd age 17 in her first serious relationship. It’s going to be hard to keep your feelings to yourself, as the one who picked up the pieces you will naturally want to protect your daughter. However, at 17 it is part of your job to stand back and let her make her own way in life. It may or not work out, but if she senses that you are hostile to the first boyfriend it might drive a wedge between you.

My dds boyfriend first started to have feelings for my dd when he still had a girlfriend. I was not particularly impressed with his behaviour and tried to talk to my dd about my reservations. She didn’t want to listen at the time and once he split up with his girlfriend, he did get together with my dd. There’s been a few things he’s said and done throughout their year together that I’ve not been happy about, but have continued to welcome him around to our house. Just be civil to your dds boyfriend without sharing your disapproving thoughts with your dd.

I think they will have both changed a lot in a year and your dd will know quite quickly if she wants to continue with the relationship. It was very young for them to have had such a serious relationship and you can’t blame him for wanting to end things if that was what he wanted to do at the time - although I agree ending it by text was awful. As much as you sympathise with your dds male friend, your dd did not chose to enter into a relationship with him. Just be around to support your dd and encourage her to continue any other hobbies /interests so she has a life outside of her relationship.

schnizzle001 · 06/05/2021 12:29

Thank you everyone for your comments. I agree I'm too invested - only because I don't want to see my daughter so hurt again. I do need to step back, you're all absolutely right. Thank you. X

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