Ideas to staying sane through the teenage years and beyond

sandwiches77 · 2021-05-03T07:39:07+00:00

A place to share ideas and pool knowledge of parents who have been there and survived My own DM struggled to let me go, she was controlling and used emotional blackmail to try and get me to stay. Since I have left home nearly 30 years ago now, she turned to alcohol and I had phone calls from her peers that DM was literally in the gutter. She became a widow when her husband died and turned back to smoking, she has given up the drink now but has got lung cancer from the smoking Consequently I am very worried/aware of how I am handling things now my own DC are teenagers. DD nearly 19 has been particularly challenging and I did find myself eating a load of chocolate in response. I try not to beat myself up as I am only human, but really want to break the cycle with my own DC As alternatives to stress relief I have just started yoga, gardening, swimming, walking and I also borrow a dog! Please help me to keep sane through the teenage years and ahead whilst now also caring for DM who is still controlling but now with cancer

FortunesFave · 03/05/2021 08:49

I'd love to know! I"m having a particularly hard time with my 13 and 16 year olds at the moment. I know you can't take the things they say seriously, but it's hard!

One has ADHD and the other ASD! It's a nightmare sometimes. I feel like running away.

Luckily they are both lovely when they're lovely! And both have good friends. That's something I suppose!

Original poster

sandwiches77 · 03/05/2021 08:58

FortunesFave - my DD also has ASD, makes things even harder to cope with

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Original poster

sandwiches77 · 03/05/2021 09:02

Hoping that people from MN will have wise words

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Lockdowndramaqueen · 03/05/2021 09:16

I have a tweenager who I suspect has ASD and we are just entering the age of hormones and body awareness as changes start. Any tips on how to manage from those of you who have been there I would gratefully receive.

I also have a full blown teen DD who is challenging us left right and centre. Seems to have a lot of comment on our parenting etc and is rude and lazy at home but can also be delightful and emotional and lovely as they all can in the between times. Also finding chocolate helps - especially during lockdowns. I will be glad when this pandemic is over and the teens can be in and out of each other’s homes and lives again in a more normal way.

FortunesFave · 03/05/2021 09:42

I don't even have the pandemic to blame as we're in Australia and have barely been affected compared to you guys. I just feel like a failure a lot of the time when I see people out and about with their teens and mine won't even walk to the beach with me for half an hour.

Taswama · 03/05/2021 09:47

13 year old autistic DS here. His attitude some days drives me crazy. So entitled - why should I tidy up after myself, put my clothes away, help clear the table, not complain loudly about what's for tea. Not sure how much is normal teenager behaviour and how much is autism but it's exhausting. I try to make sure I get some respite which includes running, yoga and going into work a couple of times a week.

FortunesFave · 03/05/2021 10:32

@Taswama

13 year old autistic DS here. His attitude some days drives me crazy. So entitled - why should I tidy up after myself, put my clothes away, help clear the table, not complain loudly about what's for tea. Not sure how much is normal teenager behaviour and how much is autism but it's exhausting. I try to make sure I get some respite which includes running, yoga and going into work a couple of times a week.

I feel the same but think some of that is normal even for neurotypical kids. I've started part time work recently and volunteering as a way to get out of the house and have something for myself.

Original poster

sandwiches77 · 03/05/2021 11:12

Taswama my DD is autistic and a teenager and it's really hard work. Like you said, it's hard to know what is typical teenage behaviour and what is being autistic. Hanging on with you.

FortunesFave I feel a failure 90% of the time, social media likes to promote the fact that everyone else is going through an easy time of it. You are not alone, I'm certainly feeling the same way x

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Littlefluffyclouds13 · 03/05/2021 11:29

I negotiated the teenage years by doing things very differently to my own parents!
I have one of each, one has had significant mental health problems and so not always easy to deal with and frequently very explosive.
I pick my battles, I totally ignore the small stuff and make a point of keeping up with their interests etc (not always easy!) and treat them like friends (they know absolutely I'm mum first!)

If they are rude etc to me, I simply walk away. My own mum (while lovely) would blow her top in the heat of the moment and we'd have huge rows daily about literally nothing.
I deal with it later, so always walk away and then once they have calmed down, tell them calmly they behaved like a nob and they apologise.

We eat at the table daily and once or twice a week I encourage them to watch a film or tv series with us, other than that I leave them to it.
I understand that their friends are waaaay more important and interesting than me and I don't put limits on screen time etc

Maybe I'm lucky but it seems to have worked? They are older teens now and they're no bother these days and are lovely to have around.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 03/05/2021 11:30

@Lockdowndramaqueen

I have a tweenager who I suspect has ASD and we are just entering the age of hormones and body awareness as changes start. Any tips on how to manage from those of you who have been there I would gratefully receive.

I also have a full blown teen DD who is challenging us left right and centre. Seems to have a lot of comment on our parenting etc and is rude and lazy at home but can also be delightful and emotional and lovely as they all can in the between times. Also finding chocolate helps - especially during lockdowns. I will be glad when this pandemic is over and the teens can be in and out of each other’s homes and lives again in a more normal way.

Chocolate definitely helps! I've spent a lot of time, silently fuming in my bedroom with a galaxy bar for company

WalkingOverRainbows · 03/05/2021 11:32

Autistic trans teen here, plus a nt teen.
They all think they are right. All teens do though. Yes to the commenting on parenting, like they know best. Yes to screaming and swearing at gaming consoles and yea to lazy entitlement.
But...disengage and walk away when they are being difficult or horrible. One day they will mature.
Even bigger but...they are lovely when in the mood. Generous and caring, loyal to their friends, work hard at school. Funny as all get out. Quick witted and sharp. Politically aware.
I wouldn't change them for the world

BluebellsGreenbells · 03/05/2021 11:35

and mine won't even walk to the beach with me for half an hour

I see this as a win, they are meant to be getting more independent and grow apart from their parents, some kids struggle to let go as much as the parents!

I actively encourage friendships, new experiences, nights out etc so they can spread their wings.

Also I don’t ‘punish’ by removing phones, seems to be the go to punishment these days

So if they are rude, I refuse the next 3 things they ask for - a lift, sorry I’m busy, they wouldn’t be rude to anyone else and expect a lift, more a natural consequence!

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 03/05/2021 11:36

Mine are 17 and 21 and have honestly been a delight. Had a very easy time with them.
So lucky but it makes the leaving home bit so much harder.
I miss my 21 year old so very much. We WhatsApp through the week and talk on a sunday and i have to really rein myself in to avoid being overbearing.

The 17 year old goes to uni in September and I'm being excited for them and talking about the adventures ahead but privately, i think it will break me. My life will be so empty without them.
But i will never tell them that.

bubblebath62636 · 03/05/2021 11:36

Another one with an autistic teen here!

I struggle to accept her growing up, I feel as though she is more vulnerable than others due to ASD.

However, she is clearly more capable than i give her credit. She has friends and stands up for herself and others.

My teenage years were tough, i try not to project too much 😬

Mercedes519 · 03/05/2021 11:44

Second child here so the ‘good child’ after my sister broke my parents. Really trying not to recreate the dynamic with NT teen DS. Have worked really really hard at not reacting to the rudeness (soooo hard) and am sometimes succeeding.

One thing I have changed is how I nag about chores ( in this house non-negotiable). I try to remember to ask “when will you empty the dishwasher?” To which I get the answer “after tea” or whatever rather than that formless moaning sound I got whenever I asked him to do something straight away.

Doesn’t work on pre-teen DD - will be back for different strategies I fear when we get there....

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 03/05/2021 11:47

Having very low standards around housework has really helped. I don't care if their room is a mess or they leave towels on the floor etc

Lotsachocolateplease · 03/05/2021 11:47

Some good advice from @Littlefluffyclouds13
I came on to say pick your battles!! Sometimes its not worth the argument.
I try to remember what it was like being a teen, I remember that my friends were so important and family came second to that, I remember thinking that my parents didn’t understand anything!!
I think our teens are much the same. Hormones added to that and the stresses of social media on top - I actually don’t think it’s easy for them.
I have ds19 and ds14. I’ve learnt to compromise a bit and ds14 has benefitted from this more as I was learning with his older brother!!
I’ve also learnt to love formula 1 as they’re both massive petrol heads and I wanted to understand what they were talking about!! It also means we can watch the racing together which gives us some time as a family but doing what they like.
I try to give them space - all teenagers love being in their bedrooms gaming or on Netflix.

I also accept that I’m not going to get it right all of the time. - and that’s ok!

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 03/05/2021 12:03

@Lotsachocolateplease

Some good advice from *@Littlefluffyclouds13* I came on to say pick your battles!! Sometimes its not worth the argument. I try to remember what it was like being a teen, I remember that my friends were so important and family came second to that, I remember thinking that my parents didn’t understand anything!! I think our teens are much the same. Hormones added to that and the stresses of social media on top - I actually don’t think it’s easy for them. I have ds19 and ds14. I’ve learnt to compromise a bit and ds14 has benefitted from this more as I was learning with his older brother!! I’ve also learnt to love formula 1 as they’re both massive petrol heads and I wanted to understand what they were talking about!! It also means we can watch the racing together which gives us some time as a family but doing what they like. I try to give them space - all teenagers love being in their bedrooms gaming or on Netflix.

I also accept that I’m not going to get it right all of the time. - and that’s ok!

Spot on! The parents I see who parent teens well seem to clearly remember what it's like being a teenager, I know I do! It's bloody tough and your family are so much less important to you than your friends at this age. But be quietly there in the background being kind, supportive and understanding and your relationship with them will still be there and will be better for it eventually too. Dd is 19 now and we really are best friends. I'm not boasting, I've worked so hard at getting things right and I'm so glad I made the choices I did (and believe me I've had many patronising comments about my 'leniency') I too hate the phone removal/wifi turned off approach, it's often done in the heat of the moment and totally ineffective in the long term. Best advice? Tomorrow is another day!!!

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 03/05/2021 12:07

@Lotsachocolateplease I can relate to the F1 thing! I watch stuff with my 2 that really isn't 'me' football, reality tv etc but they love that I take an interest in the things they love and if tea & biscuits are available I'm happy enough!

Original poster

sandwiches77 · 03/05/2021 17:09

I can relate to F1 too, both of my DS are petrol heads too.

Littlefluffyclouds13 my DM was exactly the same, blew her top at the tiniest thing. I am much more relaxed (DM says I am too lenient ) but I ignore her and parent my own way. DM resented the fact that I wanted to spend time with my friends and my boyfriend (now DH), while I just saw it as a perfectly natural part of growing up

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TheHoneyFactory · 04/05/2021 11:20

@Littlefluffyclouds13

I negotiated the teenage years by doing things very differently to my own parents! I have one of each, one has had significant mental health problems and so not always easy to deal with and frequently very explosive. I pick my battles, I totally ignore the small stuff and make a point of keeping up with their interests etc (not always easy!) and treat them like friends (they know absolutely I'm mum first!)

If they are rude etc to me, I simply walk away. My own mum (while lovely) would blow her top in the heat of the moment and we'd have huge rows daily about literally nothing.
I deal with it later, so always walk away and then once they have calmed down, tell them calmly they behaved like a nob and they apologise.

We eat at the table daily and once or twice a week I encourage them to watch a film or tv series with us, other than that I leave them to it.
I understand that their friends are waaaay more important and interesting than me and I don't put limits on screen time etc

Maybe I'm lucky but it seems to have worked? They are older teens now and they're no bother these days and are lovely to have around.

this is great advice. Thankyou!

freckles20 · 06/05/2021 10:48

Thank you to everyone on this thread. It's just what I needed today. I am struggling with navigating parenting a teenager. I find knowing what to do for the best so hard.

My gut says not to be too militant, pick battles, not confiscate phone etc.. I'm sensitive though to people who suggest being lenient is not right. So it's nice to hear I'm not alone.

To the poster who said 'tomorrow is another day'- thank you, that's a great piece of advice.

Original poster

sandwiches77 · 06/05/2021 16:19

freckles20 you are not alone

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