Teenagers always in rooms, depressed and unmotivated

[AniieM]

I have two teens DS nearly 18 and DD 15. Both are bored, unmotivated and spend vast amounts of the day on their phones in their rooms. DS is very shy and has very few friends and never goes out. DD has a small group who occasionally meet up but rarely but suffers from social anxiety so has a whole host of issues there!

I try and get them out and about but they are at an age where they don't want to be seen with me! God forbid. But I am worried about both of them. They seem depressed, withdrawn and bored. I get my head bitten off if I suggest DS gets a part-time job. His A levels will end soon and he has from end of May until end of September with nothing lined up until university!

Lockdown hasn't helped I know but I am really struggling with it all.

Any advice, please..

It sounds really tough, my 15 year old sounds similar, but is often online with friends. Would your ds play online with others?

Take their phones off them for six weeks and see how you get on. They sound like they have no life and no ability to cope.

@WindowsSmindows

Take their phones off them for six weeks and see how you get on. They sound like they have no life and no ability to cope.

Ridiculous. They're teens coming out the other side of a pandemic they haven't had exactly much to look forward to. Most teens spend most of their time in their rooms.

@WindowsSmindows

Take their phones off them for six weeks and see how you get on. They sound like they have no life and no ability to cope.

Yes, really useful advice.. thanks for taking the time to be so helpful!!

DS not into gaming! Unusual I know!

I have two very similar. It's hard. My DS relented over the job thing when I explained it was for his mental health, ( not that we've found one yet!) but it may be worth persisting with your son, biting your head off Might just be his initial reaction as it was with mine.
With my DD, I explain it's not physically healthy to spend so much time in bed!
I try not to worry about it too much tho. Covid has been shocking for them, they have missed that bit of growing up time and like us all just need to find out how to move forward now. I think if you make it about health, try not to judge & set boundaries if necessary they'll be ok.

I don't have teens but am a secondary teacher and so many of my year 11 form group are struggling like this at the moment. I had a mum of one of them in tears on the phone this week, so you are not alone. I think it's going to take a while for all of us to learn how to 'live' again and more do for teens as it's affected such an important time of their life. Sorry not very useful advice but wanted to say you are not alone

Can we please stop using clinical terms like depression to describe normal teenage behaviour.
I can guarantee that if your teens had clinical depression you’d know all about it.
Teenagers and many adults have been bored, felt down, been lonely, felt apprehensive , been worried to name a few in the last year. Surprisingly many community mental health teams have not seen an increase in clinical presentations in the last year.

This years been shit for teenagers and young adults. None of us can imagine what its been like for most of them. We need to cut them a lot of slack.

I have 2 dds a year or two younger than your 2 teens.
Both spend quite a bit of time in their rooms on phones/iPads but I try to encourage a few short time periods per day out of their rooms. This is not always successful!

Small things that help here (especially with the younger one):
Take her out once per weekend - and other times if she is amenable. Agree to any reasonable suggestion from her. Nothing too taxing - today was a trip to Starbucks drive through then supermarket to choose her own dinner.
Last week was walk with dog at a park we don’t visit often and a slush half way round.

I also try and have a vague routine this includes daily family dinner in kitchen - food is allowed in rooms but not your main dinner.
Plates and cups to be brought down daily.
Rooms to be hoovered weekly.
Clothes to be put away at least weekly (from the clean laundry pile on landing!)
Daily bath/shower - I get nice bubbles etc to encourage lingering and relaxing baths.
I buy (within reason) requested snacks/drinks.
Today was bag of mini marshmallows - encourages them to come down and make hot chocolate.
Encourage short walk several times a week (obviously more is healthier but if they are reluctant I encourage just 10 minutes fresh air)

I have relaxed the rules around phones and gadgets although younger one still hands hers in at night. But if I hear her chatting happily on phone I give her a bit longer. Also I have “open garden” (within the rules) and welcome friends round - make a point to offer soft drinks/snacks.

Thanks for all your replies. At least I'm not alone. We do eat dinner together and older DS does walk by himself daily. 15 yr old DD come out for a drive. It's not so bad now she's back at school but school will end soon for DD (end of May) so it's a long stretch until university with nothing to do. I will try and persist with the job but with lack of confidence thrown in it's quite hard.

I'm not a soft touch. Some days I just want to scream at them to just get their butts in gear and just get off their phones and do something. But that's not helpful and achieves nothing!!! And I remember they have had a large chunk of their teenage years ruined by Covid. My DS was just beginning to make new friends and find his feet in the sixth form ( he is chronically shy) when the pandemic hit so lost all of that.