How to stop stress eating as the mother of a teen

[Forwardroll]

I've deliberately not put this in weight loss chat because this is an emotional issue directly related to my response to my teen's behaviour.

One of my teens is a 17 year old daughter who I love deeply. She has always done well at school, does not drink or do anything erratic outside the home, has lovely friends, several hobbies, so no major problems in any serious areas of life.

The problem is though is that at home, like many teens, she is very emotionally up and down and I'm not sure but maybe her behaviour is a bit younger than her years, or maybe that's just from my perspective because I am getting old! Lockdown has been really bad where we are and like most teens she is very frustrated, angry and sad to varying degrees. On the other hand she is a bit of a home body who likes her books and her animals so has enjoyed some aspects of it, but it has gone on too long and caused her a great deal of stress and anxiety with her exams.

I guess I have just reached the end of my tether. I feel a bit numb now to it all. I'm so fed of asking her several times what she wants for dinner and being ignored be wise she's in her phone, yet her expecting me to drop everything at a moment's notice to listen to her news. I am fed up of picking up after her. I am fed up of being grunted at or shouted at for asking her to do a simple thing. I am fed up of being patient and understanding and reassuring when she is having a meltdown related to a problem that is entirely of her own creation. I am fed up of her interpreting a simple question like "have you got your key?" as an insult. I know that sounds harsh. I just feel spent and a bit depressed.

The problem is I get really low and then I eat late at night. Its the only thing ATM that gives me any comfort. I eat something sweet or salty in complete silence by myself and feel an enormous sense of relief.

I'm trying to slim and change my diet and I am falling off the wagon in a bad way after I have clashed with my daughter. I know it's my problem and she is not causing it, but ATM I literally want to run away and live in a house all by myself without any parental responsibilities.

Has anyone else here been through something similar or have any advice please or I am going to be the size of a house by the time she leaves home forever?

You've have 2 issues to contend with, and the first is fueling the second. Your first issue is some of your parenting, in my opinion, and to preface, I have raised teens, (my children are now adults), so I've been there.

I'm so fed of asking her several times what she wants for dinner and being ignored be wise she's in her phone

Why are you asking her several times? Stop this. She's 17, not a toddler. She knows where the kitchen is and can find food when she's hungry. You are her mum, but you are not her personal chef and skivvy. You either ask her once, you tell her what you're making, or she can make something herself.

I am fed up of picking up after her.

Why in the hell are you still doing this for a 17 year old? She starts picking up after herself immediately or there will be consequences. You aren't doing her any favours allowing her to act like a child and not contribute to the upkeep of the home. She should have started doing chores years ago.

I am fed up of being patient and understanding and reassuring when she is having a meltdown related to a problem that is entirely of her own creation.

Why are you always being patient and understanding? The fact is, sometimes our children need to hear some home truths. Obviously, you don't do this cruelly, but factually. Everyone needs to be made aware of and held accountable for their mistakes, especially teenagers. The real world is knocking hard at their door, and they need to be prepared for it. Always coddling them is a huge mistake.

As for your eating, you are stressed to the max and I don't think you've been very kind to yourself. Allowing your daughter to walk all over you certainly isn't helping, It's making you exhausted and resentful. Work on the issues with your daughter from a new perspective and see if that helps with your stress and mood.

I think you are being too hard on yourself OP. What you describe- the ignoring, grunting, easily offended etc are all perfectly normal teen behaviour. As teens get ready to move out of their home and become independent, they begin to mentally and emotionally distance themselves from their parents. This comes with a dose of them thinking they know better than you on everything and that you are old and clueless. Being young humans they lack the wisdom and maturity to navigate to adulthood without some hurting and lashing out at the parents...usually the one they were closest to as a child gets the worst behaviour. It’s similar to toddler tantrums...it’s a phase and she will grow out of it.

It’s hard, I know, my youngest is 17 now and I’m going through it for the 4th time. They do come around once off on their own for a year or two...usually by age 20. And then you have a lovely young adult :). It’s hard on the teen...moving the relationship from parent-child to parent-adult, but it’s hard on you as well.

Anyway, I hope this lowers your stress levels. Try not to feel low. Try and channel your sense of humour about it all. If the important things are on track- good in school, not on drugs, etc then let the rest roll off your back.

Thank you so much for the replies, I really appreciate the advice.

Aquamarine I agree with everything you have said and we do all need to move to a different arrangement at home where she takes more responsibility. DH and I have been trying to encourage this for two to three years but she just doesn't do it and lockdown has made this worse. She has always had chores as a child, she has always helped with the animals, and now, apart from the odd bit of dog grooming which she enjoys, she does not do a single thing. And I mean not one single thing. She either studies or is locked on to her phone or some sort of screen. Her hobbies have stopped under lockdown. If one of us parents doesn't cook for her then she just doesn't eat. She won't even fetch herself a glass of water. She knows that if she doesn't bring her clothes down to wash then they don't get done but then she doesn't wash them either and then she complains rhat I haven't done it!
I ignore the complaining and calmly state the rule again that if she doesn't bring her clothes down to wash, she needs to do them herself, and she says "I will" and then she doesn't!

It just is so endlessly draining and utterly pointless. And then she will kick off about not having a particular top she needs and throws in a few disparaging remarks about my iincompetence as a housekeeper! . None of it makes any sense, none of it is logical, and I am thoroughly, thoroughly sick of it. We are constantly locking horns over ridiculous petty things. She could honestly make the toasting of bread in to a high level drama!

And thank you PlanDeRaccordenent I admire and sympathise with you for going through this four times! Twice will be plenty for me thanks! . I know it's normal and I am very conscious that it's hard for her and that everything has been extra hard over this past year but honestly, I feel I have reached the very end of my tether.

I think lockdown has been hard on teens..
It sounds like you've been enormously supportive and patient but are getting tired and running out of energy.
You do need to withdraw from doing so much. It's not good for either of you. Stop reminding her about chores, stop asking if she has a key. Let natural consequences do the job for you.
Be kind, be loving, but look after yourself too.

Thank you Beamur ridiculous though it sounds I think I needed someone else to give me "permission" to stand down for a bit , for everything except emergencies obviously. I just worry because she doesn't eat and is underweight but will eat if a plate is put in n front of her. It's so frustrating! But she is going to have to learn at some point and it might as well be while she is still under our roof. Ditto everything else. Writing it down here, maybe she has reached the end of her tether too?

Hi, I don't have any specific advice like the other posters on here...just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. I'm an emotional eater and currently 60lb overweight and much of this eating is stemming from dealing with my teen and divorce!

Thank you sophmum31 I am sorry you are going through it too.

I feel really bad. It's not like the stress is catastrophic or anything. We are a very fortunate family in many ways. It's just difficult, every single day, and I'm so over it.

Your DD's extreme apathy would concern me though. Has she seen a GP? Underweight, anxious, avoidant?
But nonetheless, I would still start drawing some gentle lines. You don't need to make any big announcement, start maybe with the laundry. Don't fetch her things and if she needs something washing, suggest she brings it down and it can be washed. Don't row about the fact it wasn't put out for washing. Don't pre-empt the problem (by doing the washing) but give yourselves both an easier way forward. Offer a solution.

I feel your pain OP, I ate a load of chocolate last night in response to DD being particularly horrid to me.

Most of the time I can let it all wash over me, but every now and then it brings me down. I am trying to work on other ways to destress (currently yoga) which has been helping.

We are only human and going to have days, times when it drags us down more than others. Don't beat yourself up OP, try more self care instead, keep your cup full.

You can’t change her, but you can change your response to her. Don’t eat after dinner to compensate for having a bad time as the length of time you feel good eating whatever it is won’t be as long as the time you feel guilty or spend losing the weight. Can you try and take pride in choosing not to make poor food choices?

Survivor of 3 teens.

Sorry just come back to this. Life with dd has been particularly stressful this last weekend. Everything is wrong. We are crap parents, our house is hideous, our life choices are contemptible compared to all the parents of her friends who are younger, more active, have better careers. It's really demoralising when you have done your best , and made considerable sacrifices, to give her love, support, time, encouragement, opportunities and nice material things over the years. I'm not saying we are the best parents in the world, I am sure we've made plenty of mistakes and are still doing so, but we have really tried hard despite illness and some crap extended family circumstances. Our DC have always been our priority.

That's good advice Lizzie'stwin. It sounds like one big excuse but it's like I have a set finite amount of energy and it's all spent absorbing or containing dd's emotional ups and downs. It's that and lockdown in combination that have got to me I think. I feel mentally spent. And I need to be mentally "on it" to lose weight. But this "either" "or" mindset is probably not doing me any favours.

Sandwiches thank you, yes, I need to find different ways of dealing with the stress like you have. I used to do it through creative activities and clothes, but I seem to have lost my way. I wish you very full cups too

Beamur I should have said "she does nothing to help around the house" . She's quite proactive in other ways when she wants to be. I do try and offer solutions but she seems very focused in point scoring currently. But I agree I need to swerve the less important battlegrounds as far as possible.

Typically, in the last three minutes while I was typing, a group WhatsApp message has just popped up, and I see DD has willingly agreed to do something out of the blue that is quite brave and I never thought she would do in a million years without protesting, so I take it all back!

Teenagers eh? Just when you think all is lost, they confound you!
Must remember not to celebrate with biscuits!

I am a comfort eater too @Forwardroll and have put on over 4 stone since DD became a teenager 😳 She is now 16 and I think she’s getting easier, but it’s hard to stop eating now!
Menopause + teen hormones = 🍪🍫🍷🙈

When my middle child was at their most challenging, I kept repeating to myself that I hadn’t become an alcoholic, wasn’t on tranquilizers and hadn’t got fat. I did not want them to destroy my sense of self. Some young adults are exceptionally good at pushing their parents’ buttons, if only we got medals for years of active service.

just my tuppence:

Yep kids surprise you.

She's allowed to moan. People are allowed opinions you can disagree with or disregard. If it's grating to hear then ask tell her "You need to share your moaning with someone else now"

To keep comms open with them I feel it's important to yes drop what you're doing & be available to listen. But the rest you are seeming too attentive to her. Her opinion matters too much to you.

Dinner: Why do you need to ask her what she wants? You know the few things she won't eat, I imagine.