Struggling with 15 nearly 16 yr old daughter

[MisshapesMistakesMisfits]

My first post and a long story! Taken comfort from other’s posts and looking for wisdom and advice.
My first husband and I spilt up 11 nearly 12 years ago. We have three children and dd is youngest and is 16 in July.
Their father has always been pretty useless and is unable to parent ( as was the case when we were together, resulting in us splitting up) he has lived 5 minutes away but has had sporadic contact, mainly just having them for tea once if that a week. Maximum contact has been 2 hrs weekly. Eldest and youngest rarely went and in fact the youngest has hardly been for the last 10 years. During lockdown, which has also been her final year in school she has decided that she wants to resume contact with her dad and wants to sleep there and also wants him to have shared care!
This has been a real bolt out of the blue and after being their main parent for the last 11 years feels like a slap in the face.
Dd has always been an absolute darling and very much a mummy’s girl. The last year she has been significantly different, lots of sass and attitude, pushing the boundaries, attitude in school, lots of ‘nobody cares about me and you do nothing for me’ This is not true, she is very much loved and I do bloody plenty for her! Generally changed and become a different person which makes me so sad.
This is also combined with her dad being unable to say no, so lots of things bought for her, for example made him buy her a double bed because she wants one and she constantly compares how nice his house is to ours and talks about the parties she will have there and who will be able to sleep there. All the children acknowledge that he has never parented them and would never be able to set boundaries for them.
Today she has announced that she is sleeping there tonight and doesn’t know when she will be back.
I feel so sad and not sure how to manage this situation without making things worse.
I also feel that there will be a safety issue there. We live in a village with low level drug taking and anti social behaviour in one section of it. All the teenagers hang about there but DD is not allowed to stay out late there and has to keep in contact with me which she doesn’t like. I do think she will flaunt these rules when at her dads as he will not be willing to enforce these boundaries.
I could cry tonight. Mothering teenagers is hard. 😢

Do you think her dad would want to do this? Given he hasn't done much so far ideally he will not encourage this either.

Explain to him you think she is using it as a way to push the boundaries and you think it would be good to present a united front. Hopefully he will he willing so he can avoid shared parenting if not because it is the right thing to do.

Let her go to his with a cheery smile. Tell her you hope she has a lovely time and that you love her and you'll miss her but understand she wants a closer relationship with him.

Warn her again of the dangers of drugs, alcohol, sex etc etc. And make sure she has her phone fully charged. And a spare power bank also fully charged. And remind her she'll need to get a spare key off her dad. And that if she does change her mind and want to sleep in her own bed that is also fine.

She will probably get wasted tonight. Feel like shit tomorrow. Realise her dad doesn't really care how she feels and that the grass isn't actually greener.

But she needs to work that out for herself.

She’s gone. I was cheery and waved her off but my heart hurts.
How do you stop yourself feeling so rejected and resentful?

That's so hard OP. Sorry I misread first post.

You've done the right thing, keep the communication up and hopefully when the novelty wears off she will soon be back. I suppose remembering 16 is a selfish age and trying not to take it personally is how to help yourself. It is ok to feel resentful, vent to your friends about it and try to be supportive and available to dd.

A friend went through this with her son. It was heartbreaking and it took a while but he is now home and grateful to be there. They are closer than ever.

@MisshapesMistakesMisfits how did it go ? Have you had any news ? I think you have done the right thing last night. Have faith! Things will settle in due course.

Thank you for the advice. She went and sent me a nice text saying goodnight and that she loved me. She said she was asleep by 10 pm ( unheard of here!) She has spent the day saying how wonderful it was ( the bed, the breakfast, her dad) and in comparison how not nice this house is!
A lot of gritted teeth today.
I just feel so sad and feel she is slipping through my fingers. 😢

I just wonder whether she is trying to wind you up for some reason ?

Sorry you are upset op. Mothering teenagers IS indeed hard I think it's the hardest thing I've ever done tbh.

As the mother of teen girls, I have experienced the same thing that "Dad" is lovely and wonderful and "Mum" is a witch who makes them tidy up and come home on time. And DH and I are still married! In other words, this is totally normal teen behaviour and you were right to wave her off with a smile.
It's always good to keep up the warnings about drugs etc and get your ex on board with that too if he is cooperative.

My advice would be to step back a bit, don't take too much notice about the unfair comparisons or the "you never do anything for me" talk, as that is standard teen whinging. Try not to show her you are sad and try, if you can, to take advantage of her absence by doing something for yourself and model taking good care of yourself. Treat yourself in some way!

Your DD is in the process of splitting herself off from you in order to eventually become a separate individual. If she didn't have her Dad's house to go to, she would probably be languishing in her bedroom on her phone.

I'd just continue, hard as it is, to pretend you don't care as much as you do, try and get some support for yourself from friends, keep lines of communication open, tell her she is always welcome to come home whenever she wants, and play the long game ... .

Good luck

Just keep talking every day.
Is she gone to stay full time or just at weekends once she sees the luxury of food and washing done and ironing she will be back. He may seem to have better things but you are the better parent been there for her,consistent for 16 years let him have his turn and you get the nice visits

Let her crack on OP, just don’t do the washing she brings home. A bit of finding out for herself is probably just what she needs.

No advice for your current situation but

Teens really know which button to push (to be deliberately or non-deliberately hurtful)
Secondly the closer you are, the greater the need to push away from you.

Sorry I know it's not fun times, as I've said repeatedly, whoever invented the 'sweet 16' definitely didn't have teens themselves .

It does most definitely feel like she is trying to wind me up ... the best line today has been ‘Dad is so chilled, he just goes to work, plays golf and goes to the pub, his life is chilled’ said as I juggle my full on job, making tea for everyone, sorting out the dog and the washing! Yes, darling his life does sound chilled, in fact it sounds like the life of someone with no children! 😠

She probably realise he is too chilled if her laundry doesn't get done!

What do her siblings think of her behaviour? Are they in touch with her?

That is so deliberately winding you up. I'm sorry even though you know this, it is so hurtful. My advice is pick your battles and ignore, ignore, ignore. If you get the chance let her stay with her dad for a atleast a couple of weeks at some point, I'm sure the cool and laid back will evaporate .

If it's any consolation my dd when 16 could only talk about what a milf her boyfriend's mother was. A good looking career woman, laid back, party going, cool lady. I felt anything but that. Dd is mid twenties now and a normal loving human being again.

Try ignore, put on a smile. Don’t comment.
Try and enjoy the fact that she isn’t around to look after yourself, spend more time with your other children/friends etc you will have something to tell her and it will be a welcome distraction.
It will settle especially if she hasn’t got a grip on you with her comments ! It won’t be fun for long will it ?
Best of luck ! X

@MisshapesMistakesMisfits

It does most definitely feel like she is trying to wind me up ... the best line today has been ‘Dad is so chilled, he just goes to work, plays golf and goes to the pub, his life is chilled’ said as I juggle my full on job, making tea for everyone, sorting out the dog and the washing! Yes, darling his life does sound chilled, in fact it sounds like the life of someone with no children! 😠

You are nicer than me. I'd have called her on this, frankly.

I'd have probably texted back, Yep. I'm expecting to be just as chilled as he is once I'm no longer expected to do all the parenting. Have fun!

Alternatively, Is there a reason for your bitchy little passive aggressive texts, darling?

Thank you everyone for your posts.
DD has had quite a good week, she has been tolerably moody and snappy. No mention of her dad for the last couple of weeks until today when she announced she is going there every Saturday and intends to sleep there on a Tuesday and Wednesday too as she wants us to have shared care.
I don’t want shared care however is this unreasonable of me. I’m conscious it’s not about me but my heart hurts and I’m not sure how to handle this without damaging our future relationship. Any thoughts?

Shared care to me also equals shared costs. So sit down with the 2 of them to agree schedules - e.g. Dad feeds her Saturday lunch, tea and Sunday breakfast and lunch. Dad sorts out school lunches Wednesday and Thursday - or gives daughter money for lunch at school.
Shared care would mean equal washing - so one week you will wash school uniform - the next week it can go to Dad's on Saturday morning.
Daughter needs to realise what she will miss - so if you could lovely Sunday dinner at lunchtime on Sunday - she will miss out and get beans on toast for tea etc

She wants to go to Dad's because he has no rules or boundaries and she can get away with what she wants. She may also find that comes with little support too.....(maybe not....but if he hasn't been on the scene all this time it's not a great track record....).

She might also get bored of the fact Dad is out playing golf and she is alone. Again a novelty at first....

I think @Mumdiva99 has a really good point. He needs to do 50% of the parental stuff.

I'd be really hurt in your shoes and would step back quite a lot. Clearly she wants to cut the apron strings and I'd let her. Stop doing everything she takes for granted (paying for phone? haircut? booking dentist appointments?) Let Daddy step up to do half of it or she's old enough to sort out for herself.

I'd probably smile kindly at her and say, Gosh. Sudden. Does your father know you intend to do this? He's never offered shared care before, but it's fine with me.

I would spell it out to them both that you expect him to pick up 50% of the parenting and the costs if that's what he wants. I also wonder if it's worth one of her older siblings pointing out what a cow she's being to you and how hurt you might be by her attitude, just in case she's absolutely unaware.

Some very good points also I think it might help you to try and see your daughter’s will not something against you or a oh the job you have done.
I think it’s more driven by the fact that she is trying to take some control over her life (as teenagers do) and trying to make some decisions for herself. So I think it is more about about her asserting herself than her going against you. She was too young at the time you separated to have any say (ans you were her prime attachment then)
She may also have a number of friends who have that shared care and she could possibly be a little envious and want to have it too ?
In any case, it is important that the shared care is shared in all aspects, and nothing says here that the dad is willing (or even aware) of what is going on!.

Maybe easier if you put your business hat on rather than your mum’s hat ?
Good luck !

Does she bring her washing etc home from his or does that get done there and is he feeding her all meals