Dd13 Drinking and smoking

[Disneypointed]

The past 6 months has seen a huge change in my dd. She used to be a really sporty, county level swimmer and trained up to 12 hours a week. Everything has been so staggered over the past year and she has slowly lost interest. She took up a new hobby which I was really happy to support as it was still physical and she made fantastic progress. We discussed stopping swimming when it starts up again so she could enjoy her new hobby. I can see it made her really happy and her friendship group widened considerably. She was really motivated and had a lot of support off her peers.
The last few weeks she has befriended a bunch of people that I’m not too happy about. They also do this sport but tend to sit around a lot more smoking and drinking. She told me about it and I said it’s fine to be friends with them if they are nice but you will not make good progress and will probably lose some of your current friends if you choose to hang around with these people and start doing the same. The social side of this sport is huge, everyone knows each other to some extent and it is generally a very friendly environment. I have no control over who she is with when she is out as it’s not an organised sport.
Obviously, my dd was drawn to these exciting people and as someone who likes to brag about everything has told everyone and anyone that she has been smoking, vaping, drinking beer, smoking weed etc, etc. This has got back to me and I am so disappointed.
She struggles academically, she’s had a lot of friendship problems over the years and it’s in her nature to be incredibly impulsive and a bit of a thrill seeker. It was inevitable that she would go down this path and I’m really upset.
My question is, do I force her to stop this hobby ( she loves it so much and has achieved a lot in a short time) and make her return to swimming where I can be sure where she is every day. She has no friends at swimming and always struggled to fit in.
I want her to be happy and to do something she loves but wish she wouldn’t choose to follow this crowd.
I just don’t know what to do. 13 is so young.

13 is too young
Compromise with her do the sport but no drink and smoking or you will not let her go if she continues to smoke and drink

Skateboarding? Be careful. I was also pleased to begin with. Outdoors, physical, independence. The board becomes more of a prop and it's all about the scene. Inc smoking, drinking and yes drugs.

Oh god, yes it is. 😩
And that is my biggest concern. So far we have been through 4 boards and 5 pairs of shoes so I guess when these things stop getting worn out so fast that should give me a clue.

I read your OP and was desperately trying to work out what activity your DD was now doing.

My DS used to like the skate park at a similar age and was pretty good at skating. Loved the social side of it and everything. Then suddenly he stopped going and I was really disappointed as it had been so nice seeing him outside, in the fresh air, doing a physical activity without being nagged.

I kept harassing him back then asking him why he wasn’t going any more and what a shame it was. I only found out about a year later that his friendship group had started smoking weed there a lot and thankfully he had decided that wasn’t for him so distanced himself. My other DCs may not have managed to be so sensible but he knew that wasn’t what he wanted.

No advice really as I’m sure if you banned your DD going things would take a turn for the worse but, as a PP said, it sounds like you need to say that your DD can only continue going if the undesirable side of it stops. Is there any chance she’s just mouthing off and isn’t actually doing the smoking and drinking etc and is just saying it to look “cool”?

I think the deeper issue here is your daughter struggling to fit in and make friends ordinarily. It obviously makes this bunch, who are accepting her, all the more, alluring. Your daughter sounds quite vulnerable. Are they the same age? Do you think a telling off by the police would scare her or fuel her?

Yes she definitely struggles socially and is receiving support through the school for this. Her new friends vary from 11 to 15, some are very well behaved and focused and others a bit more carefree. They all hang out together so any peer pressure is what she puts on herself. She has plenty of friends at school but is quite reserved to an extent as she says she is just not into the same things (ie: dancing, TikTok, gossiping, sitting in parks). She’s always been very physical with a silly excitable side to her that drives people mad and said she feels happier these days being with people similar to her and loves the support she gets when learning new things.
I think there is a bit of exaggerating and bragging which I’ve pulled her up on and we’ve talked about consequences of both lying and getting caught up in it. She admitted that she tried smoking but it made her feel a bit sick and the smoke gives her headaches and said that if a friend comes and sits with her while smoking she will get up and skate to get away from the smell. I’m hoping this is true.
There are a few indoor skating nights starting up again soon at the youth centre so I’m hoping that taking her there will allow her to still skate but be a little more structured and supervised. Thanks for reading and your advice!

As she's 13, I'd just pull the whole thing. No more this specific activity. You can't allow her to smoke weed or drink alcohol at this age - so, as she won't be able to moderate herself (unless you believe she can) , I'd just tell her no.

You'd be on dicier ground if she was 15/16 so, as she's still so young, I'd scrap the whole thing

@Gabois

Skateboarding? Be careful. I was also pleased to begin with. Outdoors, physical, independence. The board becomes more of a prop and it's all about the scene. Inc smoking, drinking and yes drugs.

That's not true for all skateboarders .

Of course not @seaturtles92 and sorry if that's the implication, it was specifically the OP DD already partaking and/or bragging about drinking/smoking/weed.

I have seen this trajectory including the claims of 'I didn't like smoking it made me feel sick'. Doesn't always end there. There is a darker underbelly to the scene around Southbank (If in London) which can be irresistible to a young teen girl who doesn't quite fit in to the school scene, or is a natural risk taker, adventure seeker, etc.

Only speaking from personal experience and not trying to tar all skaters.

Yes I think we are going to curb it. I’m not going to let her skate on a school night and only in the early part of the day at weekends and I will do random checks while walking the dog as the skatepark is close by. It’s a shame but she has ruined it for herself really whether she’s lying to her friends or not she obviously thinks it’s the cool thing to do.
Now I need to find a new hobby!

Yes it’s southbank, so glad I wrote on here!

It is a real shame as she really was doing so well and achieved things in a few months that some others took a couple of years to do but I guess being young, she can always go back to it when she’s older and hopefully wiser.

@gabois What is the dark side of the Southbank scene? I'm interested as my 14-year old skates and wants to go there?
I love the independence and social life he gets from skating, but am a bit worried about smoking and drinking.

@gettinguntrapped Southbank is the Mecca for skaters so I can understand it being a draw, there are loads of very talented skaters and a friendly and welcoming atmosphere. It really depends on the child.

Mine sounds very much like OPs, except not at all sporty, hence I was over the moon she was doing some physical activity.

Just look out for change in behaviour, you'll know if something is up. Smoking and drinking, yes, but there is also weed and other drugs. Going to southbank and meeting all these exciting new people (so urban and unlike the boring people from the burbs) coincided with the start of experimentation into all these things.

Maybe the either/or approach is complicating things?

I have a 13 year old daughter who swims although not as many sessions as your daughter was - she must have been doing 8 sessions a week? I think swimming competitively self-selects in a way - the children who do it after primary get something they need from the training sessions, whether it be the mental calm or the endorphins or whatever. DD is much nicer after a hard training session and even the morning sessions seem to help her focus at school. My DD has have friends at swimming but it’s not the kind of sport where you’ll stand out if you haven’t!

I would suggest re starting swimming initially at 4-5 sessions a week. This fulfils her exercise/endorphin/mental well-being requirements and then she can just skate on the weekends, as you suggest.

We are in Australia by the way, so swimming clubs haven’t stopped

Yes she was swimming mornings and evenings sometimes 3 hours a day in total and 5 days a week so it’s been very consuming. It’s been great for her mental health and balances her out. The change in her moods was very apparent when everything shut down.
I’ve let her go skating after school today as she swam this morning and just dropped off some spare shoes to her. She was being ollied over 😳!
I’m going to do what you suggested @nolongersurprised and get her to do 4 swims a week and keep weekends free for skating. She’ll have all summer this way to prove to me whether she can be responsible.