How can I help my son improve his confidence and social skills?

[coco1]

My son is 14, he has 1 friend from
Primary school who he sees very occasionally and apart from that doesn’t have any other friends.
He seems to have difficulty socialising, appears awkward and sometimes rude when people talk to him. I think he’s desperate to have friends and is often jealous of his sisters who are always out and about with friends. I think it is positive to be able to enjoy one’s own company, but I think he is lonely. I’m worried about asking him about this as I don’t want to make it an issue if it isn’t one for him. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help him to learn social skills and help with his confidence?

Apart from school, what does he do ?
How does he spend his time ?
What would he like to do ? (Obviously I realise the last 13 months hasn't been typical).

I could of wrote this about my 14 year old son, I’m not sure what to do about it, I hope when he starts sixth form he makes new friends

Does he have friends he hangs around with during school time in secondary school? How does he like school, is he happy to go? A lot of their socialising outside of school seems to be online now, does he do any of that? We can understand your worry, you just want them to be happy, the pandemic seems to have set a lot of kids back socially too, my own included.

What do his sisters think? Do they see him at school? Sorry, a lot of questions. Sometimes I think finding friends gets easier as you move up secondary school and you find your tribe but the pandemic has stopped that process a bit.

I would like to say a heartfelt thank you for replying. I feel so sad for him, his sister is in school but the way the school is set out, they don’t see each other. To be honest I think they would ignore one another! Out of school he does drum lessons which he enjoys, goes on his Ps4, my husband has played squash with him a few times pre lockdown, and I always try and get him
To come out for a walk with us. However he doesn’t want to be seen with us as he would be embarrassed if kids from school saw him with us, we try and go away from home so he doesn’t feel
Awkward. He isn’t sporty as he’s not competitive, he enjoys shooting hoops, he has processing difficulties, so for example when playing football in primary he would end up liking the ball to the other team which really frustrated the other kids on his team. It’s good to know others get what I’m describing, thank you so much.x

I think a lot of 14 yr old boys are like this, my 15 year old son refers to himself as an introvert, loves his own company, keeps himself busy at home, he has reptiles which takes up a lot of his time, he does chat to friends on line, but doesn't seem keen re meeting up outdoors, says its boring, he is very mature for his age, has an older brother who he's close too. he often comes out with me to walk the dog.
When we go into a shop l notice he seems quite awkward, never relaxed, kind of wrings his hands, but he is articulate and expresses himself well. I just think this is an awkward age for them, not really a child as such, not yet a man, l remember feeling very awkward at this age, my confidence came later. I am sure as he matures he will gain more confidence naturally, and also become more sociable. I have friends with boys this age a!so and they makee comments re live like little hermits, and not interested in being very sociable.
I do encourage my son to participate in family events etc, he has got a bit better.

I read this article this morning, which seemed to describe quite a typical 14 yr old boy

here

Thank you so much for your replies, it’s so helpful. I think from what you’re saying, hopefully things will get better as he gets older. I don’t want to make an issue of it, just wanting to support him and hopefully feel more confident to be able to develop his social skills. Interestingly, he seems
more comfortable with older or younger children. I think maybe there’s a whole competitiveness or feeling awkward with boys his own age. Thanks again.xx

That's a great article @BackforGood - reassurance that they do turn out ok eventually. I have a teen that is sociable, many interests and generally a happy soul and a teen that is the complete opposite. It's hard at times as you want them to be the best they can be and enjoy this stage before boring things like jobs and mortgages haha come their way but trying to explain that to them can be like talking to the wall!

Maybe clubs - acting is good for getting people out of their shells.

Ds2 was exactly the same and continued this way until got to 18 when he started hanging out with his older brother (who’d left home) once a week.

He’s now at Uni and has settled in really well. He said that at school he just had different taste to everyone else.

Is there a school club in a subject he enjoys he could join ie coding club....

I would suggest clubs/activities which are not competitive such as St Johns Ambulance cadets, I noticed DS's school is just starting a manga club or maybe park run?

It might help if he joins a few clubs that develop interests he already enjoys especially if they are more 'niche' - anything from rock climbing to Warhammer to chess - the kind of interest that you can happily geek away discussing kit, strategy etc.

Some clubs specifically help develop social confidence - cadets, scouts, drama clubs are all worth a try.

If he's bothered about it, you could chat about different types of friendship - that it's fine to have some friends that are very casual - just to say hi to and chat a bit, and one or two close friends. Not every friendship has to be full on.

Also if he doesn't already I'd encourage him to take up a sport - it doesn't have to be team sport - a martial art, swimming, cycling, running, weights. Boys seem to admire and connect with other boys more if they are fit and strong.

Awkward in these times, but as things reopen, my DS1's social skills and self image really grew as a cadet with St. John's Ambulance - in part I think because he had support helping other people from the older members that he admired. They have had online sessions as well through this, though my children haven't really enjoyed them.

Through this he's been helped a bit with online roleplaying games he's found through video games, though it's not the same.

Army cadets
Naval cadets?
Raf cadets