Teen withdrawn and depressed....can't connect. Help

[CanIbeRio]

I've name changed as this is a personal situation for me and my family

I'll set the background. I have a 15 yr old dd. We have had a difficult time with her since she started secondary school. Really vile to us a lot of the time. Very vocal about disliking me, home life, school, angry, rude, unkind, self centred, lazy, never listens to advice, uncaring, withdrawn in bedroom, constantl on phone....peppered with the occasional outburst of love and fun times. Typical teenage stuff....but mostly oozing dislike for me and demonstrating low mood a lot of the time
She had been in her first relationship since beginning of last year. He split with her about 6 weeks ago. She is having serious problems dealing with the spilt. For the last month she has been moody and down, started to school refuse almost a day or 2 a week. Extreme crying outbursts, angry, throwing stuff and alarmingly saying " I can't do this anymore " . Over Easter she had a half hearted attempt at tablets....she has been texting her ex bf exaggerating what she's done claiming she's properly OD'd and she is going to die. He's obvs been very alarmed and upset by this....she's trying to emotionally blackmail him into getting back with her
We tried arranging counselling but she won't engage and has spent most of the last 2 weeks holed up in her room. She cries a lot and won't let us in to help or cuddle her. We are at a loss. We have been onto MH services but it seems unless she voluntarily engages or makes a serious attempt to really harm herself we can't help. She's crying now How can I help her. I'm heartbroken

It’s hard when they won’t engage. If you contact Young Minds they offer advice for parents. They may have some suggestions.
youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/

The first thing to understand is that young people and teenagers don't generally behave this way for no reason. So what else has been going on in her/ your lives since she started secondary school that could be contributing? Is there stuff going on at home, has she been bullied perhaps?

I agree with PP's suggestion of Young Minds - they are a great organisation.

Unfortunately, there won't be a huge amount that any services can do directly with your daughter if she won't engage - they can't come into the house and force her out of her room.

You and any other immediate family in the house are the only ones having close contact with her, so you will have to do the brunt of the work to encourage her to engage.

Seek help with that - have a look at Young Minds and perhaps also consider contacting social services to see if there is anything available in your area. If she really isn't engaging at all then you need to seek the help as a parent first and foremost.

Another thought, do school know what is going on at home? I know she's refusing a day or two a week but presumably that means she's attending the rest of the time?

If that's the case, school should also be able to support with some kind of intervention. They might have a school counsellor who she could see? It's worth a conversation if you haven't already. It sounds like she is very vulnerable right now.

Thanks for the replies. Will look at Young Minds. I was in contact with school before Easter and they recommended the school counsellor...but again, she won't engage. It's so frustrating as I know help is there but she won't take it

Had a bit of this with ds’s previous girlfriend a couple of years ago. She’s fine now but for a year or more was really hard work for her mum and my ds, and wouldn’t engage.
She just seemed to find it really tough being that age, the hormones and emotions, expectations (hers, parents, school, mates) etc.

My only advice if you can’t get her to engage is to do everything you can to keep your relationship with her - find every opportunity to be nice (even through gritted teeth), gentle, complimentary, encouraging... gentle stroke as you walk past, seeming casual etc... she needs the contact, the love, to feel better about herself and will then be a bit happier in herself so she can start to heal, and that can start with you.

Thanks @Ifeelmuchlessfat. Sorry to hear you've been on the other end of this type of thing. Good advice...just letting her know we are there and will support her always. DH took her for a drive last night and they parked up and she really opened up for the first time. She is tormented in 2 ways. 1 because he literally went from being lovely to her to nasty very quickly and she doesn't know why. He's had some issues to deal with so I think he needed space....maybe she wasn't backing off. 2 she's so remorseful and guilty about the 'suicide ' texts but he's blanking her and won't accept her apology and it's absolutely wrecking her... she accepts they won't get back together. All she wants is for him to accept her apology and stay friends with her. We've advised her to back off completely to let the situation die down. I totally get that feeling of desperately wanting to put things right but not being given the chance....been there myself a few times but as an adult you can deal with it. They are so young at this age to process all this emotional stuff 😢

Its so hard OP. This is a long list I find quite good, some are cringy but some might resonate with you. Good luck.

www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/teenagers/tips-bond-close-teen

Thank you @MoiraNotRuby....some great ideas in that list.

@CanIbeRio ah that’s great that she’s talking to your DH - you’re halfway there then... soon someone else will be figuring on her horizons hopefully, and she will have benefited from the resilience earned this time round.