teenagers hanging out

[novaparty12]

My DD is almost 15 and her most of her friends just seem to hang usually with a bottle of something alcoholic and vapes.. I know at 15 I used to do this but it feels so wrong... She only likes going out with a purpose (ie shopping, cinema etc!!) which obviously has been very difficult this past year. They all seem to meet in various different parks from about 2pm and get collected by a parent at about 10pm! She also only likes being out for a few hours - although I haven't actually completely stopped her going out she knows I am not happy with the drinking and vaping - she has made the decision not to as she gets bored but it now means she has sort of lost all her friends, Another few of her friends have boyfriends and have dumped her and the group for them. She seems quite happy at home doing her own thing but is worried now about going back to school and being relegated to the boring group. She just wants a couple of hours out the house with friends with maybe a costa/starbucks and then come home without feeling bad she is boring, but everytime she suggests something like this - it is met by an eye roll and comemnts that she is so boring!!

She needs to find a different group of friends! And perhaps she needs to open her mind a bit and realise that the "boring group" might be much more on her wavelength and not actually "boring" at all.

It sounds like she is quite insecure and maybe overly concerned about other people's perceptions of her. Is that something that you can help her to work on?

My dd was unceremoniously dumped by her friends at 12 for not wanting to drink alcohol.. Supported by one of their dm's I may add..
Dd did plod on without any real friends for a while after this. She was fine although a bit subdued as to be expected.. I made sure she was involved in family stuff. To reinforce she was still a dc tbh! No rush to grown up and she totally agreed aclohol should not be figuring in her life yet at all!! A few months passed and she did aquire some new friends along the way. Not in the highly regarded peeer groups of before but she isn't at all bothered... Keep talking to your dd op. Sounds like she and you are managing this just fine.

I know it's not that easy at the moment but is there anything she could take up as an interest to do in a group (eg. joining a drama group, choir, sport club, art club - whatever she is vaguely interested in)?

I have a teen DD and the friends she's made through an interest seem far more inclined to meet up for a specific purpose or just to hang out for a short time. I don't know if it's because they are too busy to spend all day hanging around or just, like your DD, just don't enjoy it. Perhaps this could be a way for your DD to meet some other people that are more on her wavelength. It might also help her to be less concerned what the other kids at school think about her if she has new friends.

She says all the "groups" at school have been formed and she can't change groups. My biggest regret was sending her to a high performing single sex school as the competition from anything to how much you drink to how many boys you have slept with is just ridiculous!! If I could I would move her to my sons co-ed school which is no way as high performing but it has a whole range of different characters and personalities and the ability to be yourself.

Unfortunately I think part of being a teenager is "feeling accepted" but to feel accepted from a teenage point of few you have to fit in.

When I was her age I was in with a really bad crowd. I decided one day I was going to find a new group of friends - after a friend and I approached 'the popular girls' they had a little meeting and kindly said they would give us a 'trial run' at hanging out with them - I told them to fuck off and spent a week mooching until I came across a lovely girl who was in one of my classes but never really spoke to. She invited me to join her and her friends for lunch and there I stayed- passed my exams and 2 of them are going to be my bridesmaids. I understand she may worry but these friends don't sound the best influence, if she can find some confidence to go and find some new friends at school that would probably be the best thing for her - easier said than done I know. It sounds bad, but the 'nerdy' types are much more likely to be inclusive and may be a good place to start, if she likes any of them of course!