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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenage daughter

16 replies

Sammyk85 · 10/04/2021 22:33

Hello All,
I’ve done what no parent should ever do, and found my teenage daughter diary whilst she’s at her dads. In it she has in a nut shell said I am a toxic person, has broken promises since 2006 (her year of birth) and the recent comments that I’ve said when things got a bit heated with us both which of course I don’t mean. I want to be a better parent and show her that she can of course trust me, and I’ll always be there for her no matter what... but is it too late? She likes her own space and often when she’s home she’ll sit in her room on her own listening to music.. is this normal? Does anyone have any advice please? Tia.. xx

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 10/04/2021 23:20

In it she has in a nut shell said I am a toxic person, has broken promises

Well, she's not wrong, is she?

Sarcobaleno · 10/04/2021 23:23

@LonginesPrime

In it she has in a nut shell said I am a toxic person, has broken promises

Well, she's not wrong, is she?

That's not very kind. You've not really got any idea what things are like.
TheSandman · 10/04/2021 23:32

Finding your teenage daughter's diary is one thing, reading it is another. What were you thinking?! Sorry but that is not on.

Sammyk85 · 10/04/2021 23:34

@TheSandman

Finding your teenage daughter's diary is one thing, reading it is another. What were you thinking?! Sorry but that is not on.
How’s this a helpful comment? My first sentence is what no aren’t should do... you must be a perfect parent 🙄
OP posts:
LeaveMyDamnJam · 10/04/2021 23:35

You find her diary - so you snoop - read it and then start a thread on line. No not toxic at all.

Sammyk85 · 10/04/2021 23:35

@LonginesPrime

In it she has in a nut shell said I am a toxic person, has broken promises

Well, she's not wrong, is she?

Do you know me?! What a silly comment 👍
OP posts:
getyourfreakon · 10/04/2021 23:35

Reading her diary is not on. That's pretty violating. I have several teenage diaries and decades later I cringe reading them. You should not have read it.

Sammyk85 · 10/04/2021 23:37

@LeaveMyDamnJam

You find her diary - so you snoop - read it and then start a thread on line. No not toxic at all.
Toxic by asking how I can be better? Ok 👍
OP posts:
jessstan2 · 10/04/2021 23:37

Sammyk: "...is what no aren’t should do".

Please translate that :-).

Sitting in her room, listening to music, is quite normal.

It's also quite normal to think and write horrible things about parents, especially if you suspect they might read them.

LonginesPrime · 10/04/2021 23:40

Do you know me?!

No, I only know what your OP says - that you breached her trust by reading her diary and then posted what she said on MN, which doesn't exactly scream trustworthy behaviour and a healthy relationship.

Thefamilybusiness · 10/04/2021 23:42

Aw o ly beat yourself up a little bit, just enough not to do it again.
It's her safe way of venting feelings/frustrations, it's normal as is hibernating in their room listening to music.
Try and take it on the chin, give her a bit of space and don't read it again. X

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 10/04/2021 23:43

I’ve done what no parent should ever do,
Try not doing it then.

GreenTeaBlackCoffeeAndRedWine · 10/04/2021 23:44

Don't all teenagers write horrible things about their parents at least once?

If you'd not read it you would never of known. How would you feel if she read something personal of yours (your texts or Mumsnet posts, for example)

TheSmallAssassin · 10/04/2021 23:44

Yes, it is normal for teenagers to spend a lot of time in their rooms, doing their own stuff.

My advice would be to start off with not saying (nasty?) things you don't mean, no matter how heated things get, you are an adult! And try not to let things get heated in the first place. Don't make promises you're not sure you can keep, no matter how much you'd like to. There are some good books you can read about parenting teens, like "How to talk so teens listen" and "Get out of my life". Good luck!

outtill10pm · 10/04/2021 23:48

I don't get why people are being so mean.. you know you shouldn't have looked but you did and you want to make it better. I'd say now you know you can really build trust, no more snooping! All teens like to be on their own and listen to music tho! That is normal! Just make sure she knows you love her, write a little note for her to wake up to, give her a hug and just tell her you love her and you'll always be there for her. As long as you remind her and trying to understand and listen when she does tell you things. I personally think it's good that you want to be better

AlexaShutUp · 11/04/2021 01:42

OK, so you know already that you shouldn't have read the diary. That's a pretty big breach of trust and a massive invasion of her privacy, so you might want to spend a bit of time reflecting on why you did that. What were you hoping to get from it? How do you feel about doing it now? And what have you learned from this mistake?

You said that your dd wrote that you break promises. Is that true? If so, can you reflect on why that's happening? Are you just flakey about stuff and forget to follow through, or are you making promises that you have no intention of keeping? Or is it that circumstances change and you find that you are unable to deliver in the way that you said you would? You need to get to the bottom of this, because trust is central to any good relationship.

Then there is the issue of the stuff that you said to her when you were arguing. She wrote it down, so it sounds like it was hurtful for her. Did you apologise afterwards and tell her that you didn't mean it, or did you just assume that she would know? How can you handle any disagreements differently in future so that they don't spiral out of control? Ultimately, you're the adult, so even if she pushes all of your buttons, you need to try to manage your reactions.

It is normal for teenagers to spend time in their rooms. It can be a bit hurtful at first,, as it feels like they're rejecting you, but it's a normal developmental phase. Try to ensure that the time that you spend together is enjoyable for both of you and that the interactions between you are mostly positive. Communicate openly and honestly, and don't be defensive about stuff. Pick your battles wisely and don't nag her about every little thing. Take an interest in what matters to her, and listen actively when she talks. Respect her point of view, even when you don't agree with it. Don't always take it personally if she is snappy.

Teenagers are fabulous. They are full of fun and energy, and they can be a joy to be around, but they can also be hard work at times. It's an incredibly difficult time for them, and they desperately want to know that you're still on their side. Be loving, be patient, be there. She still needs you, but the relationship needs to evolve and change from how it was when she was a little kid. You need to make that happen.

What she wrote in the diary was a snapshot of how she felt at one particular time. It's hard to say whether that's actually how she feels about you. She doesn't really hate you though. She wants your love and approval now more than ever.

This is a wake-up call. You need to work on your relationship and reflect carefully on whether your own behaviour is what it should be. It's likely that there is fault on both sides, but you're the adult so you need to step up.

Don't tell her that you read the diary, and whatever you do, don't ever read it again.

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