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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Out of my depth

25 replies

malificent7 · 10/04/2021 20:51

Dd 12, has slways been mature for her age. Started menstruating year 7, has loads of friends and will only go out with them never with us anymore.
Caught her taking a bottle of my booze out ..40% amaretto We had words but i showed my upset and disappontmentvrather than anger. To be fair she hardly drank any. My dad has early stage cancer and she is very atrached to him so blamed this on her upset.
She can be lovely but she can also be very rude. No punishments work and tbh i want to nurture our relationship. For example she is very open with me and admitted she'd tried smoking but was very ashamed of herself and upset. I reminded her i had been working with heart patients that week who were ex smokers
. She was also honest with me when her 'boyfriend' of the same age chucked her as things ' weren't moving fast enough.' In other words they were just hanging out. I told her she did the right thing and not to feel pressured etc.
How do i guide her without alienating her? She just seems to be growing up so fast and i feel powerless.
My dad wants to convince her to do D of E...hahaha! Dd is not the type to go traipsing across Dartmoor with a tent!!

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Original poster

malificent7 · 10/04/2021 20:53

I mean this is all normal teen behaviour but 12 seems so young...she's a summer baby so the youngest in her year.

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Original poster

malificent7 · 10/04/2021 20:54

Well i did get angry with the booze but was devastated and didnt ground her.

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Horehound · 10/04/2021 20:56

Well you better start getting tough rather than being a pushover which is what it sounds like right now.

Haggisfish · 10/04/2021 20:56

I teach secondary and have a daughter aged ten but she will be very similar to your dd I think. I go horse riding with dd once a week-I’m hoping she will continue to do this as she gets older -it allows us space to talk. I would really try to find a common interest - dd and I like similar comedies like black books, bad education, Friday night dinner etc and we watch those together and will talk/she will allow me a hug! I would emphasis how good it is she could recognise her feelings about smoking. Long term warnings of the type you said to her will make zero difference to her behaviour and choices IMO. But acknowledging her (good feelings) afterwards might. Encourage her to think about how she might feel after sex in a similar way. How can she best prepare for that eventuality? Make sure you are with someone you can trust, have contraception etc etc.

Haggisfish · 10/04/2021 20:58

I don’t think you sound like a pushover. I do think you need to set clear boundaries (which she will inevitably walk all over)-think about suitable punishments in advance and make them small but enforceable. She sounds like me-I need very clear boundaries and to know someone is policing them.

Original poster

malificent7 · 10/04/2021 23:38

Ok cool..she knew she overstepped the. mark with the booze and i curtailed the internet and took her phone etc. This was because i caught her out with the booze and lied.

I didn't punish her for trying smoking as she confided in me and i want her to continue to do so. I did get very disappointed though and she responds to that.

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Original poster

malificent7 · 10/04/2021 23:39

Sorry...she lied to me about the booze.

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Anordinarymum · 10/04/2021 23:45

As a mother who has been through the teenage stage with both sexes I can sympathise and only advise that you get your daughter involved in activities which remove her from the peer group she presently is involved with.

She needs to be guided in such a way that she learns to respect herself and her body and the only way to do this is to change her social life and replace the influence they have with other interests which involve people who do not want to drink or smoke or anything else for that matter

Good luck

bearfood · 11/04/2021 00:02

I had one like this. I knew from Year 7 she had potential to go very, very wrong. I became her best friend. My husband was horrified, my older dds (who were perfect teens!) were jealous and didn't understand...but it worked. She trusted me, she told me everything and she came out the other side. Don't let people call you a pushover...you know your child and if you know she doesn't give a shiny shit about punishment then do what you need to.

Original poster

malificent7 · 11/04/2021 08:35

I can't tell her who to ve friends with..they arecfriends from orimary svhool and that would be very controlling. .imo they are great kids but just normal teens.

I had very few friends in secondary and it scared me. The kids dd hangs out with have been friends since primary and in her class. Dd is the kind if headstrong girl who knows who she likes, who she dosnt like and will not be forced to be friends with anyone .
Besides i think dd IS one of the main influences.. a queen bee type.

She used to have tons of hobbies....singing, theatre etc but lockdown squashed that.

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Original poster

malificent7 · 11/04/2021 08:35

Typos etc!

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Original poster

malificent7 · 11/04/2021 08:36

I can't tell her who to be friends with...they are friends from primary school*

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Original poster

malificent7 · 11/04/2021 08:37

Scarred*

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Original poster

malificent7 · 11/04/2021 08:40

She does like hockey so that might help. At school my best friend was into amphetamins and used to take them in our very posh private school toilets.
I never did...dds friend lost her mum so went off the rails with the cigarettes but im glad dd confided in me.

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Babdoc · 11/04/2021 08:52

Getting her into the hockey, and sports/fitness in general, will make her less likely to be tempted by unhealthy things like cigarettes. Exercise is also very good for dealing with moodiness etc and making her too tired for arguments!
Lockdown is coming to an end, so lots of activities will soon be available, and you can encourage her to try various wholesome hobbies. I’m sure boredom is a big driver for teenage bad behaviour.
Keep a good relationship with her, but as a mother, not a best pal. She doesn’t need you to be a friend, that’s what her peer group are for.
She needs you as an older, wiser, but loving mentor, who can be trusted to give good advice, and who will gradually allow her more independence once she shows she can be trusted with it.
The teen years are always a worry and a bit of a rollercoaster, but the vast majority come out the other side as civilised, well adjusted adults that we are proud of!

BunnyRuddington · 11/04/2021 09:08

I know the Hockey Season is almost over, would she be willing to try Cricket? Most clubs have a training night and you can often borrow equipment from the club.

Climbing is another good activity as they chat to the others in the group when they are waiting for their turn and she might like to do the C25K with you?

When my DD was 12 my DSIL fave me a copy of Untangled and it's helped massively

Original poster

malificent7 · 11/04/2021 13:39

She is interested in football so will encourage that. She spends a lot of time watching the boys play and sometimes joins in. At the start of lockdown she stsrted asking about having a go at the local private school but covid put pay to that.

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lljkk · 11/04/2021 15:22

Risk taking is normal desire for teens. She needs to find healthier outlets for the risk-taking drive.

Teens make better decisions when bad decisions would spoil their plans and aspirations. You're on the right track to try to get her to develop healthy interests and friends who don't want to make self-destructive choices because they, too, have plans they don't want to ruin.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/04/2021 15:54

I am a great believer with teens that "the devil makes work for idle hands", you need to channel her towards things that are much more appropriate for a 12 year old child. She isn't even a teen yet!

Lockdown has made it harder to access activities handed to us on a plate so we need to get more inventive. Has she ever tried traipsing across Dartmoor in a tent?

Christmasfairy2020 · 11/04/2021 17:54

I've heard the book called untangled is a good read

Original poster

malificent7 · 11/04/2021 23:39

She hates camping and i cant drag her out for many walks!

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gingganggooleywotsit · 12/04/2021 21:11

@bearfood

Really good post, I agree. Unless people have had a dd like this they can’t understand.

namesnamesnamesnames · 12/04/2021 21:51

You keep saying you know it's normal behaviour for a teen but she's still just 12! This isn't how most 12 year old's act. You are right in recognising that you need to stop this behaviour now.

The DoE scheme is amazing but if she's not going to do it then she's not going to do it! You can't force it.

There needs to be a separation I am afraid, between friends that also behave like this and your daughter.

Hopefully going through all of this early on will mean she'll be through it sooner too.

Original poster

malificent7 · 13/04/2021 05:30

I think dd is the friend who behaves like this! She wont hang around with the kids who are into what she sees as babyish things but sport may help.

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JustDanceAddict · 13/04/2021 13:56

DofE isn’t just for nerds!! My DS (17) loved the expeditions and loads of different types of kids do it, most of the year do Bronze as it’s not much commitment. He’d have done Gold if it wasn’t for Covid, but no expedition so I said not yet.
DS is def not a nerd, he hangs out etc but he is 17, not 12 - a big difference!!!

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