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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Giving more freedom

8 replies

jabal · 10/04/2021 08:01

My son isn’t quite yet a teenager he is 11 but I feel the need to give him more freedom but it petrifies me. I’m confident that he is sensible and ready for this but when you hear stories of other kids doing things I just panic how he would handle being in a tricky situation. How do others handle this?

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 10/04/2021 11:32

I have gone with what they feel happy to do and built up slowly . Some happens anyway such as ,in our case ,public transport for senior school or going sledging on snow days. The thing is that most11 year olds have phones now so they can easily contact you if they miss the bus or get separated from their friends. Try to remember when you were young and what you were allowed to do at the same age. Admittedly the children I have known since being a parent are less savvy or independent than I or my peers were at that age but in general I think that if most of their friends are allowed to eg get the bus to the next town or to go swimming or whatever than I have let mine join in. We have made plans for time home , who they are with etc and generally they have been quite sensible.

lljkk · 10/04/2021 11:40

Small steps.
They can only learn how to make good decisions by having practice at making decisions -- that means they could make some bad decisions. It's part of being a good parent to give them the chance to make bad decisions. You just try to limit how much harm could arise from any bad decisions they might make.

Is he traveling to high school on his own from September 2021? He needs to get used to being out & about on his own, especially the route to & from, how his phone works. How to go into shops himself, how to assess street hazards, etc.

tarheelbaby · 10/04/2021 12:06

My DDs are a similar age. Bizarrely, lockdown has increased their confidence and independence. We have talked through what to do if things happen. For example, if you're walking in town and a person starts bothering you, go into the nearest shop and ask for help.

Maybe think about what he needs to know to be able to do some of these things and what he could do if things started to go wrong.

  • stay alone at home for a short time (1hr + ?) (does he know what to if the landline rings? if someone comes to the door? how to lock/unlock doors)
  • cook some simple food (pasta? pizza in oven? scrambled egg? does he know how to work the cooker)
  • can he cross a busy road alone? does he know how?
  • could he go to the corner store/local shop for milk or bread or whatever you might need? or to buy some sweets for himself? (my DD13 is still not keen to do this)
  • is there a local park where he could meet a friend? (both my DDs 13 and 11 do this; what to do if a stranger approaches or ask him to leave with them)
Christmasfairy2020 · 10/04/2021 20:09

Same age as my dd. Whom won't be left in the house alone Hmm.
I've let her play out on front with friends and have a sleep over. I'm trying to encourage her to walk home from school

ErleighBird · 10/04/2021 20:29

Welcome to the high school/teenage years!

I found it hard at times, had to bite my tongue and trust in them. I found lots of talking helped, thinking what you'd do in various scenarios. My kids made a few stupid mistakes but I tried my best to treat them as learning opportunities.

BackforGood · 11/04/2021 21:06

I agree with all pps.
You build it up.
You also let them make decisions and let them make mistakes.
You also get them used to being able to ask strangers for help..... go and ask for something themselves when you are out / in a shop / at the library / at a tourist attraction / the leisure centre etc (preferably get them to do this from when they can speak at about 3 yrs old - with guidance, obviously)

Then I used to talk to them about
"What you you do if....." scenarios - from "....I wasn't there to collect you when you came out of school at the end of the day" to something happening when they were home alone to "....if I didn't come home at the time you were expecting me"

Make sure they know the neighbours (or a friend or relations who lives close by) and would be confident asking for help.

Make sure they know it is a good thing to ask for help

Then, as they got into teens, I used to introduce scenarios that had happened to someone I knew (say, a fictional colleague's ds or dd), and say "I don't know what I'd have done in that scenarios - what about you?" and so forth. It got us in to chats about things like "What you'd do if offered alcohol at a party" "What to do if you felt trapped or isolated in the City Centre" "What to do if an adult - or peer - made you feel uncomfortable / pressurised you into doing something that didn't feel right" "What to do if offered drugs" type conversations hopefully before they happened, and they were able to have thought about it and have thought about things you could do / say. It meant that the situations weren't about 'them' - they had no need to feel defensive, but they had chance to think about it.

WeAllHaveWings · 12/04/2021 01:59

My son isn’t quite yet a teenager he is 11

Lots of great advice to take it slow. Be careful to treat him like an 11 year old and not prematurely a teenager which is still a couple of years away. The more you give the more they will push the boundaries earlier than usual and when they are not mature enough for the responsibility yet.

Did you notice there is also tweens section on MN, there might be tweens parents going through the same thing.

WeAllHaveWings · 12/04/2021 02:01

Sorry, it is preteens not tweens!

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