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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS being excluded by friends

23 replies

OnthePiste · 09/04/2021 18:40

Hi I am worried about my DS, 14. He is an only child, gaming mad, a little shy and not great at making new friends.

He had a best friend through primary and would often meet up outside school with him and other friends. He went to a different secondary school to all his primary classmates due to catchment areas and did not settle at this school. We moved him in year 8 to a small independent school (his choice) where he has settled and made friends although I wouldn't say close. He has not met up with them out of school or been invited anywhere. The school is 10 miles away and the children are all very spread out so none in our local area.

Until the beginning of the last lockdown, he would go out at weekends and in the holidays with his old primary friends. I got the impression he was just tagging along with them a bit but he was always included and had a great time either in town or at the park. However, he has now been told that he can't go out with them as they all go out in a big crowd from their school with some not so nice kids who apparently don't like DS because he goes to private school. I would have thought they would stick up for him but it doesn't sound like they are bothered so he now has nowhere to go and no one to meet up with. He's spending most of his time in his room,waiting for them to come on line. They still game with him and chat on discord but I am so cross that he has effectively been dumped IRL.

I have no idea what to do, he says he's happy staying in but it broke my heart when I was at the park today seeing all the groups of teens having fun, knowing he is stuck in his bedroom. He plays tennis once a week or was until lockdown but that is his only hobby aside from gaming. Any idea how he can develop his school friendships so it leads to meeting up out of school? He's too scared of rejection to suggest something as he has only known them a year and most of that time he has been having on line lessons.

OP posts:

StateOfTheUterus · 09/04/2021 18:46

Oh gosh, I feel for you, and him. There can be a real pack mentality where secondary school is concerned. Does he want to maintain the primary school friendships, or move on?

StateOfTheUterus · 09/04/2021 18:49

Also can his new school help at all with integrating him? At least everyone will be feeling “new” because of lockdown.

Yummymummy2020 · 09/04/2021 18:51

That’s so tough, on him and you. It’s hard with so much closed but would he be interested in more sports? I’m a lot older than him but I used to box and made some really great friends just at the club and doing the classes. It was also something you could train alone for too and didn’t need company to do most of the training. The class was mainly boys too with a few girls and it was like a family. From what I hear this is still the case in most clubs even today. It might not be his thing but I know it can be very inclusive and most clubs are very friendly and anti bullying ect, I was super shy and thought I would hate it but I adored it. You also don’t have to fight or spar if you don’t want to but I really enjoyed that part to my surprise aswell. Unfortunately at that age it can be hard to make new friends the way you can as a kid out playing, but the more he is involved in the more people he will get friendly with. How about a part time job when things settle and open up again? I’m still best friends with some of my work people from my jobs as a teen.

Original poster

OnthePiste · 09/04/2021 18:53

@StateOfTheUterus

Oh gosh, I feel for you, and him. There can be a real pack mentality where secondary school is concerned. Does he want to maintain the primary school friendships, or move on?

He still wants to be friends with them. He says he's asked them if he can go out with them when these other kids are not around and they have said they will let him know. His primary best friend has a GF so doesn't really hang out with this group any more plus it has become a much bigger group of boys, some of whom he gets on well with but these nasty pieces of work seem to have put a spanner in the works (or is it just an excuse for the others to exclude him).

I just can't bear the thought of him stuck in every weekend and as for the summer hols-they get 9 weeks off! I am trying not to get involved, he has to make his own social life but it is really upsetting me!

OP posts:

anxietyanonymous · 09/04/2021 18:54

I think its natural for the friendship with the other group to have fizzled out.

However it sucks that essentially online learning means he hasn't really had a chance to make good friends at the new school.

He is a victim of really crappy circumstance and he does at least still have an outlet and social connection online.

I think be patient and allow things to get back to normal and he will work it out for himself when back at school properly.

I would however get some advice from the pastoral care team at your school-as that kind of support is what you are paying for. They might get him involved in a club with like minded kids-coding or similar and it will take off.

Original poster

OnthePiste · 09/04/2021 19:08

@anxietyanonymous

I think its natural for the friendship with the other group to have fizzled out.

However it sucks that essentially online learning means he hasn't really had a chance to make good friends at the new school.

He is a victim of really crappy circumstance and he does at least still have an outlet and social connection online.

I think be patient and allow things to get back to normal and he will work it out for himself when back at school properly.

Thank you, I think you are right. I warned him last year that once the parties start, he most likely wouldn't be invited as like another poster has rightly said, there can be a pack mentality at secondary schools and outsiders are not welcome.

His new school is quite small and very caring about pupil welfare. He did a trial 2 days and he couldn't believe how friendly and welcoming the kids were. This is the main reason he wanted to switch. I've suggested after school clubs but he doesn't finish school until later than his last school so likes to get the bus home, do his homework and then get on line! I will take a look at the club timetable-there might be some at lunchtime he could do (although he says he likes to hang out with his group of friends then so don't want to discourage that!)

OP posts:

Original poster

OnthePiste · 09/04/2021 19:15

@Yummymummy2020

Aside from a paper round, he is too young for a job. As soon as he is 16, I will be pushing that!

Thanks for the suggestion re the fight club. I can't see it being his thing, he hated a karate group I enrolled him in when he was 7! However, I will consider anything if things have not resolved themselves by the summer holidays. I think it would do his confidence a lot of good. He is very skinny so anything to improve his strength would be good!

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MissyB1 · 09/04/2021 19:16

This is one of the reasons I have pushed my ds to join the after school clubs at his new independent school. He joined in September not knowing a soul there. He’s gradually making friends and the clubs have definitely played a part in that. It’s been tricky though as all the other year 7s went to the same prep school and had known each other for years.
I feel for your ds and can imagine how worried you feel. Definitely talk to the pastoral lead.

UserTwice · 09/04/2021 19:16

I also think it's natural that his primary school friendships have fizzled out. My DC managed to maintain friendships for a couple of years into secondary school, but after that they do start being more focused on school friends simply because they spend more time with them and they have much more in common.

You say he has friends at his new school - has he proactively tried to organise any meet-ups with them? I think if you go to a school where everyone is more spread out geographically you do have to put more effort into meeting people rather than meet-ups happening more organically. do you know any of their parents? I know it's more usual for 14 year olds to organise their own things, but perhaps it might be worth a parental push?

If he's a gamer, does he play with any of his new school friends? My DS has made many friendships that started over the PS4...

HotPenguin · 09/04/2021 19:23

This sounds really difficult, but I would encourage your DS to make friends at his new school. It seems inevitable to me that the primary school friendships will fade. Real friendships take time so I don't think you or he shod stress if it's just friendly acquaintances at his new school.

Felic23 · 09/04/2021 19:23

Hi I could have almost written that post. My Son started secondary school last September. All of his friends from primary school went to same local school. The local school was in special measures so I applied for an assisted place at a private school. He got in and we were all so happy. The scho has been great and kids lovely but a year in with all the lockdowns he hasn't made any friends he feels comfortable asking to meet out of school yet.
He was the same as your son and would always be down the park weekends etc. Now he's online waiting for friends to come on. I really feel your pain, when its a sunny day and you know they should be out and about but there is on one to go with! I feel like sometimes maybe he would have been happier if I'd sent him to local rubbish school. Sorry I'm not much help just wanted to sympathise. Hopefully next year without all the lockdowns they can make more friends :)

StateOfTheUterus · 09/04/2021 19:26

Just thinking about the primary school best friend - would the best friend play tennis, especially if he extended the invite to the girlfriend and a friend of hers along as well?

Original poster

OnthePiste · 09/04/2021 19:35

@Felic23

Hi I could have almost written that post. My Son started secondary school last September. All of his friends from primary school went to same local school. The local school was in special measures so I applied for an assisted place at a private school. He got in and we were all so happy. The scho has been great and kids lovely but a year in with all the lockdowns he hasn't made any friends he feels comfortable asking to meet out of school yet. He was the same as your son and would always be down the park weekends etc. Now he's online waiting for friends to come on. I really feel your pain, when its a sunny day and you know they should be out and about but there is on one to go with! I feel like sometimes maybe he would have been happier if I'd sent him to local rubbish school. Sorry I'm not much help just wanted to sympathise. Hopefully next year without all the lockdowns they can make more friends :)

Thank you so much, I am glad I am not alone although sorry you are going through it too! My son could probably have gone to the crappy comp that his primary friends go to but we looked round and he did not like it at all.

Although he likes these boys at his new school, they mostlyl know each other from the junior school so he still feels a bit of an outsider and certainly not comfortable to suggest meeting up-he would be scared of the rejection. He does game with a few of them so I will encourage him to play with them more than the old friends, perhaps the chat will lead to something being arranged? I can but hope!! Good luck with your DS too.

OP posts:

Todaywillbegood · 09/04/2021 19:44

So sad to read this. My DS is in a similar situation but caused by a bully from primary school who turned his friends against him. He now plays online and not even with people he knows most of the time. He has one friend he talks about now but doesn't want to meet up outside school. He says he's happy. I hope he is but I worry a lot. Joining groups sounds like a very good idea. Covid hasn't been so good for that lately but hopefully more activities will open up soon.

slopes2021 · 09/04/2021 20:44

i would encourage him to get some new friends locally. summer clubs will be up and running again - could he not join those? i was in a similar situation as a kid - travelled to school and all my friends were scattered all over london. but my parents pushed me to get involved in stuff locally and that really really helped. it made my weekends fun and something to look forward to

GoWalkabout · 09/04/2021 20:55

He will probably have a bit of a quiet time and then it will pick up - you can't necessarily sort it, but he will learn how to build meaningful friendships - this will be an important part of the learning curve. Don't make a drama out of a crisis.

MrsWooster · 09/04/2021 21:09

Maybe to break up the long summer he could do a few club /course things-like a learn-to-sail summer camp for a week, and/or a tennis camp or similar. He may meet some nice kids and, at worst, he gets a skill...

Waterlemon · 09/04/2021 21:26

What about Joining some uniformed groups - scouts, police cadets, sea cadets/scouts if he is not so interested in Sports?

I’ve been so impressed with The police cadets, It’s given my children some great opportunities and widened their friendship groups.

Original poster

OnthePiste · 10/04/2021 10:25

Thank you all for the suggestion and advice-it really has helped me take a step back and see that it is something that will hopefully sort itself out with a bit of effort from him.

Our local gym is restarting their teen gym sessions next week so he has agreed to do a couple of those. Although he probably won't get to chat to any local kids there as they have to work out at a distance from each other, at least he will be out of the house and keeping fit!

I do know a couple of parents of boys in his year so I will contact them just to see if many of them do meet up out of school. Whilst I can't arrange his social life, it would be handy to know what, if anything, goes on.

OP posts:

MrsRusselBrand · 10/04/2021 11:33

This is very similar to my DD14 . She attends an independent school and as a result the children are quite far apart . She has a bit of a friendship breakdown last year , likely during lockdown and due to her spending so much time online rather than speaking to her actual friends . The result of which is that she now only really has online friends . She was also sh and suffering from anxiety at school ( spending lunchtime and breaks locked in a toilet cubicle ) . We decided to limit her online time , get her to delete all her online friends from snapchat etc ( with the exception of one friend she wanted to keep ) . I have definitely seen a change for the positive , she checked back in with friends in rl rather than relying on online friends . She is still anxious and a bit isolated but I do think this is a work in progress , at least she is reaching out and trying to integrate. The online option is the easy one for them I think , it's easy , they can start again and be who they want t be and it's always there , 24/7 . But like I told her , it's not real , it's fun but it's not real .
Wish you luck OP and just want you to know you're not alone . Hopefully lockdown easing and with less reliance on online will help

MrsRusselBrand · 10/04/2021 11:34

meant to say , she is an only child too

EwwSprouts · 10/04/2021 14:28

You could see if his tennis club runs this programme which is great for his age. DS did it a couple of years ago and now helps with the primary age players for a few days most school holidays. Great for a side order of building confidence. www.lta.org.uk/workforce-venues/coach-teach/programme-development/becoming-a-tennis-leader/

BackforGood · 11/04/2021 21:19

Another who thinks it inevitable that the Primary school friendships would wane.
It is never good to have all friendship 'eggs in one basket'.

I also know from experience that 13 / 14/ 15 yr olds - boys more so (IME) don't tend to 'go out with their friends' much . They are past the age where parents organise things but not yet got the skills to actually organise much themselves. Throw in the fear of being rejected if you suggest something and it really is quite common for this age group to not 'go places' together.

Which is why some sort of hobby he belongs to takes on even more importance. Be that a sport or Scouts or drama or whatever he is in to. Bit harder to join some things at 14, but things like Cadets only starts at 14, so everyone would be new.

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