Screen time battle!

[Felic23]

Hi all
During this half term my 12 year old son constantly wants to be playing computer when nothing else is going on. He will come for walks/activities and football training but unless one of those things are happening from the moment he gets up till bedtime he wants to be on a screen.
Its causing tension and arguments as it seems all his friends are allowed to play online pretty much all of the time. He also gets to play whenever he wants when he's at his dad house.
I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle.
What does everyone else allow for screen time or is it left up to your teens to regulate as long as other work/commitments are done? Any advice much appreciated. Thanks for reading! :)

So long as other commitments are met, our children can be on screens as much as they want. They are using them constructively (I consider Minecraft worlds to be creative and educational. I think it's good for them to pursue their interests by reading blogs and watching YouTube videos).

I do monitor to make sure they are not bullying or being bullied, or accessing harmful content. Neither child is interested in social media, and all of this helps. The younger child does watch a lot of tat about TV programs but I regard this as part of growing up similar to 14 year old me disappearing to her bedroom with a pile of take a break magazines.

Why don't you want him on the computer when nothing else is going on?? That's not a battle I'd choose.

It's infuriating but not necessarily an issue. Is he behind at school? Does he still come out if something g is planned?
DS was the same until he got a girl friend then it was all about her! And he still managed to get into Cambridge to do a degree in English. To this day he claims the story telling aspect of games helped him. Not sure about that but still....!

I have the same thing with my 11yo DD. Lockdown has made it much worse, as I didn't police her as she was on-line for school, then would talk to her friends online. Now she just seems to have become much more introverted, and also fully into puberty.
I'm just going to have to be creative during the summer, and hopefully get some meetups and friends coming over.
It's difficult!

What else do you envisage him doing with his time? He is active, attends a club, presumably (since you dont say otherwise) he is going to school/homework, does he do chores around the house?

If so, why shouldn't he Game during his downtime?

The key part of your post is "nothing else is going on". My teens have always self-regulated because other things are going on. During lockdown, there is basically nothing else to do. Not a battle I'd fight, as long as he's doing everything else expected (school, homework, jobs around house, being polite and respectful etc). Likely he will naturally reduce his usage as more things start up.

My ds is only 10 but would be the same. I don't let him on screen as much as he wants. As a parent we need to help them regulate. Just like you won't let them binge on chocolate and never eat vegetables. He gets 2 hours on a weekend I'd say less in the week. Can sometimes be more if he gets 90mins Saturday morning then 3 hours at night. Less in the week and he loses screen time for bad behaviour. I won't allow constant screen use. I think its bad for attention span. I like him to find other ways of entertaining himself. We have screen free days. I dont see this letting up as a teen. We have to do homework and music practice before going on screen.

Thing is a lot of people let their DC on screens much more. You don't have to follow suit.

Some friends of mine are not strict with screen use but do enforce 10am to 3pm screen free time on holidays and weekends and designate teen friendly activities: watching a family film, playing board games, painting d&d characters, cooking together, family zoom. It works for them.

So long as other commitments are met, our children can be on screens as much as they want

We also went down that route, as long as homework was done to a high standard and grades and effort reflected that on their school reports, came off when we asked, helped to make dinner, set the table etc, did their chores, came out with us when we said, watched TV shows and films with us and all done willingly they can game, game, game.

Your son comes on walks etc what more do you want from him? Both my sons research the game they are playing, they also watch YouTube to learn about anything from History and Science to how to play guitar. My eldest is 18, youngest is 15, both boys. They are excelling academically, socially and are both lovely people. They game with their friends, even play Uno together. They also both read before bed.

I never understand why it is okay to binge watch a tv show but somehow screen time spent gaming gets a bad rep. Minecraft I do consider to be educational, other games need strategy and planning. Both Dh and I gamed when we met.

What else do you want him to do? Is he happy gaming? Is that where his passion lies? Why is it a bad thing?

My ds is only 10 @ZenNudist to be fair this is the teenager board so things are very different in secondary school in terms of where you mates even live ie not necessarily anywhere near you, they can't even walk home in the same direction.

Your 10 year old probably goes to bed a lot earlier than my 18 year old. Therefore my son has more time to fill with stuff.

My 11 year old is the same, the games he plays are storyline based and challenging. He is doing fantastic at school and completes all his work straight away to a high standard. He WANTS to do well in assignments and tests and I've come to credit his gaming for his competitive streak. It's been noticed at school. So I'm ok with it; not much else he wants to do. I'd love him to read books but that's another battle 😂

Thank you all for your replies. I think the issue is I think he is addicted. He used to like playing out but now all he wants to do is be online with his friend. Yesterday it was midday ( he had played all morning) was a really sunny day and I told him to get off and do something else. This resulted in crying, telling me to shut up and 2 hours of sulking. This is what worries me as I think I've been fairly relaxed let him play more as its half term but when its time to come off there is always an argument. Yesterday was a one off but he is always quite annoyed when I tell him to get off no matter how long he's played. I just want him to have other interests but he is doing very well in a demanding school, he does do his chores ect.

@Felic23 just to say that I feel the same and could have written your post. I don't have a problem with gaming and like how it allows my DS's to socialise. What I'm struggling with is how it has taken over as the main thing they want to do at home. If not gaming, then watching videos of other people doing it. They'll come on walks, DS13 does plenty of sport but DS11 has definitely become addicted. It doesn't help that he moved schools and lots of clubs at his primary school don't exist at secondary so he has dropped most of his other interests. He also has friends who are on it literally all day except mealtimes, until 10pm ish. Had a proper meltdown when I refused to allow GTA5 (an 18) because others are apparently allowed whatever they want. I know that's part of parenting I feel like I am having to be the 'meanie' so much at the moment.

All I want is not to have to nag and for it not to take over his life. He doesn't enjoy school the same as he did pre-covid because he just wants to be at home doing that. Some autistic traits don't help either. He's doing well at school but doesn't have the motivation that DS13 has, everything is 'boring' and he'd rather not go. He's like that about other things outside school too. I'm fed up of it. Will watch this thread with interest.

No advice but following as my 12 y/o ds is the same as yours OP. My 15 y/o ds has interests outside of the screen, meets friends etc, but my 12 y/o just wants to game 24/7. At the moment I limit it to 4 hours a day (which I still think is loads!) but when not gaming he just watches YouTube. He tells me he'd happily do something else but what?? Nothing is open yet. I'm hoping the swimming pools opening next week will give him an alternative.

Thanks for your reply, I feel exactly the same and reassuring to know I'm not the only one! I have no problems with games/u tube and I get it completely as I like to sit and watch my TV shows but what is sad is its not down time any more he seems to want it all the time and when he's not playing its sometimes like he's just waiting until he can again! I do plan activities as much as possible with covid but I also think at 12 they don't need entertaining and he should find things to do that don't involve a screen. He doesn't though!

Yes hopefully when things open it will help! I hadn't thought of swimming, good idea :)

Ketchup I'm not talking about 18yo. I'm going to be leaving the dc to it once they are adults (even 15yo very different to a 12yo the OP asked about) . 10 or 12 they have similar needs to be given boundaries and help them have a healthy work ethic and relationship with tech. It applies to all screens not just gaming. But gaming is more addictive than say a tv show which ends.

OP I think if he is addicted then he needs some time off to reset. Then start again but setting limits.

I feel for you OP.
My ds, 14, plays FIFA. Not online but he watches YouTubers online. He gets plenty of time to play in the evening. However, my real issue is that fact that he's running YouTube tabs whilst he should be in a Google class. And he does it in school too. Teachers have complained to me about it. And I see he does it because I am home whilst he's online - he has Mondays with online school.

We've all told him we know he does it. We've asked him over the past couple of years to stop it. He won't.

I'm at my wit's end. Online learning has cemented his determination to watch online football ALL THE TIME.

I don't know what to do TBH. His school is computer reliant for so many subjects. We live abroad and all schools here are tech lovers.

I can't see the issue. Mind have played loads when not playing football or going for a run. What's the problem?

I have an 18 and 16 year old and neve found a way to overcome this problem. As long as they're doing well with their schoolwork (very well), kept up their football and scouts, sleep well and were generally nice people I let it go.
Nothing to be gained by forcing them to do painting or going for walks.
12 is a difficult age. Too old for many toys and peer interaction becomes more important.

I have the same problem with my 13yr old son.
Whenever any of his friends arrange to go out and do something else he is always happy to go..however it is far and few between as they all prefer to sit indoors and play xbox/watch youtube.
He says he tries to arrange things but usually is turned down!
It is frustrating for me to see but son seems happy and tbh it is all most kids this age do anymore so during covid.
I am learning to let it go as when he gets older and meets a girl/works/pubs etc I am sure he will be out and about and then I will have a whole different set of worries!

I'm starting to get more relaxed with it, as another person mentioned 12 is a funny age and with friendships only really being online I think maybe I need to let it go for a while. He does jobs and generally does as he's told so as long as it doesn't effect other areas of his life...for now :)