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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter nosying at my personal things

14 replies

Ladyof · 05/04/2021 21:11

My daughter is 13 and I've discovered she is looking in my wardrobes and drawers when I am out. I went in her wardrobe for a cream she had and found a condom in there which I know was taken from our box which I'd hidden. I also had some personal items and DVDs hidden which I've know she had been looking at. I know because they were hidden behind something and when I went in it was all messy and box open etc so she has been having a right good rummage.

What do I do now? I dont know what she is doing in my personal space, or why. Do I confront her or leave it?

OP posts:

Smokeahontas · 05/04/2021 23:19

I think this might be better in chat / families

UrsulaBee · 05/04/2021 23:20

What did she have to say about it?

Mosaic123 · 05/04/2021 23:49

She didn't have the sense to put the things back properly.
I would say a little something about you knowing she's been looking. Hopefully she will know not to do it again.

alexdgr8 · 05/04/2021 23:51

maybe just get a lockable trunk.

AgathaX · 05/04/2021 23:53

Ask her to respect your personal space, talk to her about boundaries. Anything really personal needs hiding properly. Apart from that, I'm not sure what you can really do.

Mumof1andacat · 06/04/2021 00:02

Why were you going through her things? Same thing really

RachelRavenRoth · 06/04/2021 00:08

It made me laugh that you said you discovered your daughter had been through your wardrobe when you were going through her wardrobe.

Maybe lead by example?
And of course actually ask her why and explain that it isnt appropriate.

Overdueanamechange · 06/04/2021 00:15

I don't have a personal space attitude to be honest. My young teens know where I keep the condoms (you never know when they will need them - not yet though please god!) My stuff is theirs to rummage in, as long as they are careful. Depending on what is on your DVDs, perhaps get a safe?

SD1978 · 06/04/2021 00:17

Maybe she reckons since you go through her things, it's ok to go through yours? Maybe you both need to have a designated personal space- or juts have the chat that neither of you rummages through the others belongings without asking first?

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 06/04/2021 00:21

What’s your budget?

Have you thought about Sutton?

Houseworkavoider · 06/04/2021 00:25

Really? What cream were you looking for?

Regularsizedrudy · 06/04/2021 00:37

Err this is what teenagers do

memberofthewedding · 06/04/2021 00:53

When I was a young woman living at home (1960s) my mother used to root through my drawers and wardrobe and then give me the third degree. When did you buy this? How much did this cost? She did it because she had no idea how much I earned and I would not tell her. When I began a job which required payment by bank transfer she even opened the envelope which the bank sent with my cheque book etc. When I tasked her with this she said "I can open any letter which comes to this house." Similarly "I can open any drawer and cupboard." So I decided that if that was her attitude there would be nothing there for her to find.

My view was that if you expect for me to pay for my board then I have the same right of privacy as a lodger"

The result was that I took out an accommodation address so that my correspondence remained private. I kept my "new" clothes in my locker at work or at my grandmothers - where I also kept any cash I drew out of the bank. In other words I went to great lengths to preserve my privacy and enjoyed manipulating and thwarting my nosy mother.

I cant recall ever once being curious enough to poke through her drawers or wardrobe.

I have to add that in those days many (not all) working class parents treated their children like cash machines. Press a button on payday and out pops money. They wanted them to leave school as soon as possible and get a job, any job, to contribute to the family budget. This was regardless of what the young person wanted or any ambition they might have to better themselves.

If you want an honest and open relationship with your daughter then you will have to have a talk and put some boundaries in place. Otherwise it will drive a wedge between you.

VenusTiger · 06/04/2021 00:58

Why do pps think it's wrong to go through their 13yr olds stuff when it's a condom she's hiding?!! Erm!

OP, aren't you more curious why she's nicked a condom? is she seeing someone? I think you're missing the obvious here.

I've already told my 7yo son that his room is his safe space, and when doors are shut, you must knock first - obviously, he doesn't shut his door now, but in the future I will respect his privacy, as he will ours.
If he was taking stuff from my drawer or his dad's drawer, I'd want to know why he wanted that thing?

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